Monday, November 30, 2009

2010 And All It Entails.

2010: The Year of Jessica.

I have decided to put the wheels in motion and move toward a change.

I talked heavily about moving to New York a month or two ago, and now my dream is becoming a reality.

Thanks to one of my near and dear friends, this dream is moving closer and closer to reality. Heather is her name and she is beyond great. You should read of her adventures and check out what she will say next at:

Everything is crazy right now, but I love this beautiful mess. I am bouncing around topics because I tend to get more ADD when I stress. My stomach is just in knots because I want to know that I am taking this leap for the right reasons.

Five questions only I can answer:
1. Am I doing this just to get out of this town?
2. Can I really do this? (Which was coincidentally answered in the previous blog)
3. Physically, am I up for this?
4. Will I be able to handle all of this change without falling flat on my face?

5. Am I fulfilling my dreams, making myself happy, and doing what I ALONE want to do, without any outside influences?

While I am not 100% sure of the answers to the first four questions, I know for certain that the last question rings in a riveting answer of HELL YEAH!!

In case you were curious...
Answer Key:
1. Maybe.
2. Yes.
3. Probably.
4. I won't know unless I try.

Something that I haven't even shared with some of my closest friends and family is the seriousness of my wanting to move to The Big Apple. [See ____ you were wrong, I can too keep a secret.] I hope all of my close loved ones just read this, some without even letting me know, just so that this breaks the ice. I want this to be as easy and pain free as possible. I know not everyone will support me, but I'm not doing this for everyone.

I am doing this for me.

This is real and I am me. I am exactly who and where I am supposed to be for now. My destiny is mine to decide, and mine alone. I don't need your approval or your condonence. You know who you are, if you even read this. I have my own approval and that is all that matters to me now.

I LOVE this new sensational feeling of confidence mixed with a little cockiness and sprinkled with a touch of sass. It's definitely something worth writing home about. :)

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Snowball Effect.

I'm sitting here, in my bed. I am awake and it's 12:18 AM.
I have to be at work in less than 8 hours.
I am tired, but not sleepy. I cannot stop thinking.

My mind is like a small snowball at the top of a mountain.
Everything starts off small, but as the thought starts to tumble through other thoughts, down the hill and around the corner, it ends up being this great big jumble of thoughts that I am thinking. Never ending thoughts. I just want a little peace.

So for those of you who read this blog, I might as well fill you in.

I did go on my trip.
I went for a two hour car ride, to hop onto a combined six hour plane ride, to hop back into another car and go for another two hours just to face my worst fear thus far in my life. I have never been able to love with my whole heart. I gave a piece of it, no matter how small or large the piece was, to someone when I was young and stupid. And I was ready to either give the rest of it or get that piece back.

(I somehow fell really in love with a boy who over the last three years has morphed into a man. A wonderful man who is the exact same deep down, just a little rougher. Thank you U.S. Army and life experiences. We were friends first, even though from the first time I saw him in high school I had the biggest crush on him. He was a year older, a football player, and dated one of the prettiest girls in school...but back to the point. My senior year he and I started dating, but only a month before he left for the Army. I was manipulated into thinking I could not handle that kind of pressure, so I sent him a letter full of lies, explaining that I did not love him like I thought I did. He came home eventually and I so badly wanted him, but again, stupid me just thought I was doing him a favor by not giving him any strings that would tie him back to his God awful hometown. We stayed friends through each others relationships, break ups, and drunken nights. The whole time, then and now, I still get butterflies each time he calls or texts. I guess I held on this long because I never got closure. I really don't have a reason to have held on. He had moved on. I seemed like I had. We were growing up, apart.)

Back to my trip...After this day long transportation, I got to spend the evening with someone I would have walked all of those miles for. My heart goes out to him and he had no idea.


See, after traveling, and rekindling over small talk on the ride back to base from the airport, we had a wonderful night. It was probably the most fun I have ever had. I think it was because of all the built up anticipation. Anyway, I believed, in my narrow mind, that if he could just see me again. If we could have that night that maybe, somewhere deep down, he would rediscover what he used to feel, and feel it again.

I was wrong.

Not only does he not feel the same way about me, he hasn't for quite some time. He has gotten past it. He doesn't have the feelings. He doesn't care the way I would like him to. However, he does care in the greatest friend-way possible. After our first long day of packing then driving, we stop to get some sleep and after some good company, bad TV and yummy pizza, somehow he knew that I felt for him the way I did. I don't know, but it seemed obvious enough to him that you would have thought I had it written on my forehead. He asked, and I coyly denied it for a little while, but then when I realized I frustrated him, I gave in. I spilled my guts. I let it ALL out. Stupid, stupid girl.

He welcomed my explanation, combatted my reasonings for us being together, and then convinced me why it would be such an atrocious idea. He said we are friends, close friends. He cares about me. He shows he cares by not letting me get close to him. He said that if I got close, I would only get hurt and he doesn't want to hurt me. I know he is right, but I can't help but cry.

Even though it's dark, he again just knows. We know each other all too well.

I cry, and even though it hurts to admit it, that conversation brought me the most unsettling kind of closure. But still I cry. I feel that it was my fault we never made it where we should have. I wish I could go back and just see how it might be now if things were different then. If I hadn't ruined everything. This is possibly the hardest thing I have ever come to terms with in my life. It's even harder than someone close to me dying, because in a way part of me has.

I will never get that back. Ever. No questions asked. I screwed it up years ago, and he built a wall that not even he can or wants to find a way through to get back to me.

He said if it's one thing he has learned in his relationship experience, it's never to give second chances. I hate that bitch for teaching him that. Just because she doesn't deserve one doesn't mean I should be grouped in with her.

That is just the young, bitter side of me voicing opinions.

If it's one thing that I have learned from him and all of this, I can really do anything. I need to take care of myself because no one else will. I need to make sure my wall stays up until someone who really pushes hard enough may break it down. I know now that getting over someone is a necessary evil. And even though it's hard as hell, I can do it. I have pretty much done the majority of it already. It was just that final closure part.

And that was the smart, mature side.

I love that he is my friend, and a very good friend at that. And even though we are just friends, I wouldn't trade or change anything that has happened up until now. It was a learning experience. One that is still teaching me and will continue to teach me until I have mastered the art of the games we, as adults and members of a functioning society, play.

I guess this is just the wheel of the world, the way the snow rolls on down the hill.
I'm just going to have to "Put my boots on and get over it."

Monday, November 23, 2009

Fictional Characters And Showtunes.

"I'm leaving, on a jet plane.
I don't know when I'll be back again."

I feel like my soul has been overtaken by show tunes. I can't help but quote this song, and many other ridiculously recognizable songs from yesteryear.

I spent last night watching Friends. I am ever so dedicated to that show. It rocks my world in ways that no man on this earth will ever be able to. My family asks me how I can watch the same season or episode repeatedly, and I honestly don't know how to explain it. There are things that Joey, Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Monica do that just bring me to a place of temporary solace. Happiness that has never been brought on by anyone but fictional characters.

I guess life is supposed to be complicated enough to keep us interested long enough to live our lives.

I just wish mine could be a little less hectic.
I used to love with my whole heart, but it's hard to do that now since it's in pieces.

I'm leaving to go see someone tomorrow. Someone who I always thought I should be with but the timing was never right. It hurts because I know the timing is off, yet again, but I can't help it. I am putting myself out there, one more time. He is the one person I can't tell no. The one person who is my weakness.

I hate having weaknesses.
It shows my mortal side.
I hate having a mortal side.


I have a headache from the stress
I won't get any rest unless I get away
I need a break from this place
A temporary asylum with padded walls

Taking things day by day really isn't my style
Being patient usually isn't worth the while
Insomnia approaches me, takes me under
And I cant sleep

Friday, November 20, 2009

My Second Song. [Fall]

The leaves are turning brown
It's getting to be fall now
This time of year always reminds me
Of how you aren't here

The holidays are here again
All the gatherings of family and friends
No one knows why I am off in my corner
Mad that you aren't here
Because I'm good at hiding my feelings
I pride myself in not letting anyone in
The walls that I put up
I thought wouldn't ever come down
But you showed me how to fall hard
Yeah, you showed me how to break
It never fails to amaze me
You're selfishness astounds me
You don't even know that it kills me
To be around everyone now

Because everything is a mess
And I won't be fine unless
We go back to last year
Back when you were with me, here
'Cause I'm great at hiding my feelings
I pride myself in not letting anyone in
The walls that I put up
I thought wouldn't ever come down
But you showed me how to fall hard
Yeah, you showed me how to break
Everything's changing
It's cold now and raining
All I want is you next to me
Here, right now
Yeah, Because I'm good at hiding my feelings
I pride myself in not letting anyone in
The walls I put up
I thought would never come down
But now everything's a mess
And I would expect nothing less
Than you showing me how to break
How to be broken
I fell so hard somehow
I'm so broken now

Thursday, November 19, 2009

My First Song. [Just Who I Thought You Were]

I eat ice cream when it's cold out
I don't know why, but I'm always loud
Sleeping doesn't come easily
And nothing ever makes sense to me

I over-analyze everything
And speak critically of anything
I have some self esteem
I don't know why
Because I give the very best up
I long for nothing but love
I want the things in life
That everyone wants

I need understanding
Just appreciative caring
And if this blows your mind, then
You are just who I thought you were
Every time I try to
Learn to be better, I fall so
Hard I don't know why
Your approval means so much

You are just another person
A plain human being
Living, breathing
Heart beating just like me
But I give the very best up
I long for nothing but love
I want the things in life
That everyone wants

I need understanding
Some appreciative caring
And if it blows your mind, then
You are just who I thought you were
There's no need for fighting
No use in arguing
Just leave me here waiting
Again and again
Just wait, because one day
I won't be here

Once you're ready, I'll be
Giving the very best up
Having nothing but love
Wanting for nothing in life

I found some who is understanding
Gives appreciative caring
And if it blows your mind, then
You are just who I thought you were
The same person I thought you were
The simple human I knew you were

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

"The Dogs" Dream.

I had the craziest two dreams last night.

The latter of the two is not nearly as interesting, so I will start with it.

My Dad and Step-Mom (who are married and have two children together) got married.
It was a small ceremony. Only him, her, her sister, my younger brothers and sister, me, and two of their friends (who are also married). The wedding took place in our driveway, under our basketball goal. After he pronounced them husband and wife everyone got out of their folding chairs and threw petals through the hoop. Then we all went into our backyard, which in my dream was the beach, and had a bar-b-que.

The first one was way fascinating.
It involved me as the main character, unlike the other dream, and I was in school. However, my beauty school class was in my old high school. We had some kind of fire drill which forced everyone to leave in a hurry, and I hauled ass for the parking lot. I was leaving school, cutting class...pretty much being a daredevil.

Well while I was rushing off I saw some cops going after the other students attempting to cut class, so I steered off into an abandoned building. Apparently, the walk from the school to the parking lot was forever long. Well, while I was off in this building, hiding from the cops and the crazed people who were leaving the non-buring semi-high school, I hear above me (yes above me) on a concrete slab some guys.

I walk up there, and they get mad. "The Dogs" are self proclaimed ruffians, who consequently had pulled the fire alarm to get the afternoon off. They were definitely not in beauty school, so I guess there were other sorts of classes there. The leader of them took me and beat the crap out of me. Then embarrassed me, though I don't remember how.

He felt bad, so then he liked me. He left his friends for me. He appreciated me, and as time lapsed in my dream, I fell in love with this familiar fictional man. Then he betrayed me.

He lured me into the same room as the beginning of the dream, where he told me to close my eyes, so I did. And I am not sure how I hurt this group of people, but somehow I did and they hated me for it. I was hanging out in their spot, with their leader. And just as I started to peek, I saw him change back into exactly who he was in the beginning of the dream.

I ran to the top of the building, he came after me. I defended myself by pushing him. He fell, and died.

Needless to say his followers were not too happy with this, considering they walked in just as it happened and saw the end of the whole ordeal. So they came after me since him liking me and giving up his friends was some form of cruel joke.

And they are walking towards me, in a hoard...And I wake up.

What does this mean?!!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Therapeutic Tuesday.

I want to know why I get frustrated, with everyone but you.
I want to know what makes your eyes so blue.
I want to know how I find another love this true.
I wish I could know if you are feeling this too.

Just trying out a little of therapeutic poetry.
If I get good responses I will continue.
(You can respond on my facebook as well.)

Monday, November 16, 2009

Laugh More, Stress Less.

It has been ten days since my last post. Ten days! I feel like I have not only neglected the blogging world, but I have cheated on myself. (Even though I am at work usually when I post, I really view this as my "alone time".)

So much has happened in the last week and a half. So much has been realized.

This path to self-discovery I embarked on a few months ago has taught me a few things:

1. The heart wants what it wants, there is no changing that.
2. It is OKAY to not be a size 4.
3. I truly believe the #2 statement.
4. Making my number one priority putting myself first has made my life so much better.
5. Money does not grow on trees, and if you need help, asking for it doesn't make you weak.
6. Family should be a very close second to the most important thing in your life, yourself.
7. If I don't like myself/can't make myself happy/don't think I am pretty, how in the world should I expect anyone else to?

As selfish as the above statements may sound, I really don't care. I know that sounds bad , and I may sound like a lesser person for it, but I have spent so much of my life trying to be a "people-pleaser" that I wasn't a "me-pleaser".

I am the most vital person in my life because without me, my life wouldn't exsist.

Things in my life aren't going according to "a plan" anymore. My whole semi-adult life I have bounced around this plan, stressed when it didn't work out, and then stressed some more when I had to revamp "the plan". No more. I am a self-establishing "go-with-the-flow" person.

No more "people-pleasing".
No more stressing unneccessarily.
No more trying to force the heart to want what it just can't.
No more telling my damn heart "No" really just makes it want what it wants even more.
No more living for anyone but myself.

I know it's a little premature, but one of my New Year's resolutions:

Ok...and go, it's time.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Week Recap.

This has been a pretty refreshing week. Usually I do a weekend recap on Monday morning, and I probably still will, but this is a week recap. I'm just trying something new out for today.

-Found out I had the flu
-Stayed home

-Stayed home because of the flu

-Went back to work, even though I still felt terrible
-Got to go shopping for a movie that didn't exsist
-Had an ice cream date
-Watched Friends with a friend until I fell asleep

-Work and felt much better
-Got ready at my house with my sister and cousins for a concert
-Went to eat for a long overdue girls dinner at one of my FAVORITE places
-Met up with another group of great girls and attended a Texas country concert
-Bar hopped, hung out, went home and to bed

-Work and feel 100% better
-Road tripping to another town to meet up with my Aunt
-Having a girls night date

-Waking up early (9 am)
-Running/Walking the American Heart Association 5k!! (My first 5k!!)
-Then who knows....

The point is, even though my week seemed like it sucked up until about after work Wednesday, it really didn't. I was sick, yes. And I did feel like death. But I am starting to look at the bright side of everything. I had the opportunity, on my sick days, to catch up on some much needed sleep.

Everything has it's silver lining. And even though I may not be singing that tune come Saturday afternoon when my legs want to run away from my body, I know it will be worth it.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

A Very Short Blog.

I am suffering from writer's block.

The type that won't let you hone in on any specific topic and just write, instead it makes your fingers run around the keyboard like headless chickens. And I have got to say, this is growing very old.

I suppose I could just write about things I know. That would be a very short blog seeing as how many things I thought I knew, have proven false.

Before now, I knew that when you say "I love you." it would be something worth fighting for.

Before now, I knew that if I ever fell out of an impossible love, I would be devastated.

Before today, I knew that my whims were nothing more than just me being fickle.

But I was sick of fighting, so scratch the first one.
And I am not so much devastated as I am ironically happy, so mark off the second.
And as far as my fickle abilities, speaking of them as some super human power of course, I am growing a little tiresome of my whims being whims.

I want the things I grow fond of to stick around. I hate that I push things away. I hate that I overthink EVERYTHING. I hate that I dream big and then settle for less.

But I guess I don't know anything anymore.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Guilty Pleasures.

(written earlier this afternoon via Blackberry)

There is something so liberating about an afternoon bath.

After being sick, warmth always feels as though it has never felt so good. Just laying here, soaking in nature.

This is not supposed to be sexual in any context, so please don't take it as such. But it just feels amazing to be free, just basking in the wonderful water God created, and enjoying it with the body he created especially for you to enjoy.

My mother's bathroom is set up to where the window is high enough no one can see in, but wide enough to let enough light fill the room so that you don't have to use a manmade light.

You can just enjoy the simple pleasures we take for granted each day. For example: the laughter of children playing across the street, the pitter patter of squirrels running up trees... It astounds me that I never got this much joy out of this place until this house.

Maybe it's a compilation of things. Or maybe it is simply the simplicity of water, nakedness, a breeze, and pleasure.

Just the guilty pleasures of staying home with the flu.

--And for a sidenote..
Things right now in my life seem to be going according to plan. As weird as it sounds, they really are.

The weirdest part is, I don't really have a "plan" per say, I am winging it. But my "plan" is to do exactly what I want to do.

"Do you want some great life advice? Be selfish. Because the minute you start asking yourself 'What about me?' Everything changes for the better."- Bette Midler