Finding Myself Through Words

111 and Counting.

2010-02-28T20:19:00.001-08:00

Ok, so I have been deathly ill, and while I have been taking a break from exerting myself physically in any activity [excluding work] I have neglected my blog, yet again.

While neglecting this, I also have forsaken that darn wedding To-Do list, but on a happy note, thanks to my previous post I have gotten some GREAT messages via Facebook email.

Updates tomorrow, I promise.

123 Days.

2010-02-16T20:27:00.000-08:00

Ok, so today was the first day of the new job.

Me vs. 11 two-year-olds.

Jesus will be the only one who will give me the strength to build my stamina up for this job. Gym first thing in the morning, work 8:30-5:30, not too sure about dinner, Idol, then bed.

On a happy [wedding] note, the fiance and I got the paperwork drawn up to use a local venue that is owned by the city now. It's an old movie theatre-turned live theatre that local productions use. It is gorgeous and MUCH less expensive than the alternative.

We will be doing it early in the afternoon, thus eliminating the cost of having to feed everyone a meal. We will be having a "sweets table", i.e. cake, cupcakes, treats, candies, etc. And a bar with the option of a cocktail we choose and a beer he will pick out. I steer clear of that department.

A friend of ours is starting up his DJ business and he will be taking care of our musical needs at a VERY reasonable price.

I emailed the photographer that we planned on using last time, a friend of my step-mom's, and she is 99% sure she has the date available.

My wedding dress[es] still fit. I have two by semi-accident. We bought one last time, then I found a more beachy one so I exchanged the first one for the flowy one. Then I found a dress, one left, on clearance [my FAVE!!], ivory, my size, and it fits perfectly. So, now I have the more formal, fitted one AND the flowy one. I was thinking I can wear the formal one for the ceremony and the traditional stuff for the reception, then change for all the fun party dancing stuff.

TO DO:
-find a cake/cupcake person
-get a police officer contracted to work the event [city requirement]
-talk to the caterer about ONLY providing a bar
-put deposits down
-get my two other bridesmaid's dresses ordered
-order mother's, father's, wedding party's gifts
-place rental order for linens
-decide and purchase things for centerpieces and bouquets [gotta love DIY]
-pick a honeymoon destination [job given to fiance]
-get his ring, size my ring
-request marriage license
-attend marriage class at church
-talk to Pastor Matt
-write vows
-order save the dates, invitations
-finish the TO DO list

Engagement, Round Two.

2010-02-15T21:07:00.000-08:00

So, it happened.

It's late, and I can't go into too much detail tonight, but he proposed, I said yes, and it's round two of wedding plans, deposits, photographers, caterers, DJs, venues, lighting crews, decorators, linens, rentals, flowers, bridesmaids, groomsmen, boutonnieres, arrangements, etc.

What have I gotten myself into?

V-Day Drama.

2010-02-12T13:15:00.000-08:00

Today is the last day of the work week pre-V-day. The area of my desk where flowers are supposed to go is bare.

And, since I am technically single until that beautiful, eclectic ring lands on just the right finger, today is the day I was a bit thrown.

Everyone in the office was getting flowers. Even the ladies we thought were single. Well apparently we thought wrong.

It was down to me and two other ladies, and as the clock creeped past 2 p.m., we started penis bashing. I mean really hard core, dropping words only the saltiest of sailors use, and cursing the men who were supposed to be chivalrous but were not. They were just men.

Distraught, I leave on a quest to abandone the one goal I set for myself in the foodie area. NO FAST FOOD. Well, it's amazing how quickly one can forget those once, ever-so-important rules to live by. Good bye healthy, hello yummy.

I got deep fried, breaded chicken nuggets, steamy, delicious waffle fries and an ice cold lemonade. Mmm mm good.

I pull back into my office parking lot, totally satisfied with my choice for lunch, because in my eyes depression TOTALLY justifies eating unhealthily every once in a while. I waltz back to my desk, with a smile on my face, only to find a bouquet of a dozen dark pink long stem roses, wrapped in tissue paper.

I love wrapped in tissue paper. You could hand me long stemmed anything as long as it's wrapped in some form of paper. Brown paper is my favorite, but any paper will do.

Anyway, they are gorgeous, and smell fabulous.

Happy Valentine's Day to me!

Losing Control.

2010-02-10T07:23:00.000-08:00

I have realized when I just let go and stop trying to control every little situtation, things actually work themselves out.

Well, not things because they can't work. God works. He does everything in His time, even if we wish he could just hurry up sometimes. God teaches us patience, and that is the one virtue I couldn't figure out how to master all by myself.

It wasn't meant to be learned alone, that's why it took me so long. I was impatient to learn patience. It's ironic, really.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
James 1:2-4

As hard as it is to understand, that's really true. It's only through pain and suffering do we learn to truly appreciate anything.

The relationship, yes relationship to all of you shocked handful of viewers out there, that I'm in now came totally unplanned, but it happened all the same.

Now I am where I should have been all along. I am happy with myself, learning patience hand in hand with someone I could see spending the rest of my life with, and knowing that every day is a choice.

It's not all about "the spark" that comes with newfound love, it's about choices.

It's not about what you may or may not miss out on, but the adventure you can embark on together.

Life is all about what you make of it. When you know something is right, try not to fight it. Allow yourself to just go with the flow, knowing that everything will work out.

Everything happens for a reason. God doesn't give you anything you can't handle, even if you wish He didn't trust you as much as He did.

Breathing.

2010-02-08T11:28:00.000-08:00

So it's been a week. An incredibly LONG, trying past seven days.

I feel the same about this week, and it's only Monday.

I feel bad that I haven't posted anything lately, but to tell the truth, I have written some things. Though after reading them I realized they were me just venting and being spiteful, so those things will not make it to the public eye. They will stay in my special folder on my desktop where I keep all of my written tantrums.

Trust me, you don't want to go in that folder.

I am torn right now. I am torn between school, what's right and what's easier/cheaper/better for me in the long run. My heart is torn between doing what I know I'm supposed to do by taking things slow and just running full force like I always do. And my body is torn between working out, and my work opportunities, and just everything and everywhere I need to be at once.

I'm just torn.

And I don't like to be torn. But if I'm going to stay true to myself, then I know then I know what I have to do.

I have to stick with school the way I should.

I have to follow my heart, even if that means jumping in with both feet. If I didn't make hasty, yet whole hearted decisions, then I wouldn't be me.

And I have to pace my stress level. There is no way to eliminate my stress completely, it's a neccessary evil. As much as I hate it, it motivates me. It keeps me moving and going like I need to, even if I don't really want to, but I have noticed that I can't bombard my subconscious by worrying constantly if I am getting every little thing crossed off my checklist. I have to slow down or that damn checklist will be the death of me.

I think the goal for this week should be breathing.

Just remembering to breathe and realizing it's okay if it's not all done right now.
After all, even Rome wasn't built in a day.

Faith, Love and Happiness.

2010-02-01T20:05:00.000-08:00

Where do I even begin?

I have been trying so hard to find something that inspires me. Something that tugs at my core. Then it happened. I had to make a concious effort to stop thinking on my car ride home. I had no tape recorder, no pad and paper, and even if there were the last two things, I was on the highway.

Would my epiphany grant me to be so bold as to say I think I have figured it out?

By it I do mean everything. The very purpose to life, happiness, everything that is worth having, giving or doing.

I figured it out.

It's not money.
It's not power.
It's not fame or fortune or "luck" as some may call it.

It's faith, love and happiness.

I don't want to sound too green-peace, earth-child, tree hugging lunatic who smoked one too many bundles of grass, but think about it.

1. You can't be happy with ANYTHING until you find happiness in yourself first.
[Trust me, I've been there.]

Now, even though it may seem as such, key word being seem, you can't pick something and make yourself happy with it.

---> Example: My whole life I wanted to find a guy to make me happy like in fairytale books. I thought if I just picked a guy, everything else would fall into place. Well, I picked, then I picked some more. I realized that just because I picked, doesn't mean I was right by any means.

Adulthood kicks in, way too early I might add, and BAM! you realize fairy tales really don't exist. Thus beginning a lifetime of settling because you think since fairy tales don't exist, the happiness you felt when the glass slipper fit perfectly couldn't possibly exist either.
WRONG. It is our fault for allowing ourselves to settle and believe that true, honest-to-goodness, head over heels, giddy all the time, rosy cheeks and click of the heels happiness went away with our beloved fairy tales.

I have always wondered, until now, why I was fascinated with the story of Cinderella. Sure, I may be partial to it, believing that it is the greatest love story ever told, ever. But it's more than that. It's the feeling I got that gave me chills up my arms when the Duke realized that the two ugly step sisters feet weren't the right size.

Somewhere over time I lost my faith in faith. I forgot that it's not all about what actually is happening, but what could be happening, or has the potential to happen.

At the end of the story Cinderella and the Prince live happily ever after, and while I am not so naive to think that everyone gets a happily ever after because obviously that's not the case, everything is what you make it.

"One shoe can change your life." -Cinderella
Just think about it, there's a hidden meaning in there.

2. Once you find that happiness in yourself, embrace it.

Don't be afraid of the natural high loving life brings. Take ahold of it like a two year old grabs onto his mother's hair. Grasp it and go.

It can be intimidating and downright frustrating when you see what you have been missing out on your whole life, and never even realized it. Knowing that all it took was time. Patience. Just a little while to allow yourself to look inside. [Again, not creepily...] But to dig deep.

You are supposed to know yourself better than anyone else.
Well, besides Jesus because He and His dad created you and have known you from the womb.

I used to think that if I blindly believed in an almighty power, that made me ignorant. To just assume because someone wrote it down in a book thousands of years ago, that it is ultimately correct. The way, the truth and the life. I thought that believing in something without being able to grasp it made me naive.

It doesn't, it makes me child-like.

NEVER make the mistake of confusing a maintained child-like innocence with ignorance.

Jesus smiled on those who could believe like children. Those who had that fairytale belief system still implanted in their hearts.

Maybe now I realize, that with a sincere love and happiness with myself, I can have that Father-daughter relationship that I have been missing for so long.

It's not about not having sex, or not cursing, or going to church every Sunday, or reading the Bible religiously, or even religion itself. It's about a relationship. [While those are all good rules to live by, again, when followed properly.] But it's how you find and make your own path to happiness, how to maintain that happiness through Him, and realizing that no matter how hard it gets, you really NEVER have to be alone.

It's like the old saying goes:
Those who can believe without seeing have the greatest gift of all.

And I finally understand.

Blind faith should not be frowned upon. Innocence is a blessing for those who embrace it correctly.

Love can be shared in many ways, but before you can give real love, you must first have it to give.

Happiness comes from within. Some find it sooner than others, and sadly, some never find it.

Anything is possible when you're patient.

Another List.

2010-02-01T10:46:00.000-08:00

I feel like I have been neglecting this.

I have had so many other things going on in my life, I have put my blog on the backburner. Not anymore. I will do better and write everyday. This is teaching me discipline and getting me ready for when I commit to the idea of my book.

Things going on this week:
-Making yummy treats to send to my winner of the Bake Sale!
-Planning, oh so much planning, for the beautiful baby girl coming in April.
-Studying for the damn test I have been trying to pass for months.
-Getting ahead of the school work, for once.

And as much as it pains me to see my "important" To-Do list rapidly growing, I quote important because I have many To-Do lists, I breathe a sigh of relief every time I get to transfer something from my To-Do to my Completed list.

Ahhhhhhhh...

Things I completed that are weights off my shoulders:
-Taxes: filed.
-FAFSA: done.
-Invitations: chosen.
-Baby Shower meeting: arranged and taking place today.
-Bullshit: cleared up.

I have learned that I must transfer things to that coveted Completed list or I will go crazy.

My Ultimate All.

2010-01-28T07:41:00.000-08:00

First and foremost, a thank you extends to all of the lovely bidders and bakers of yesterday's Online Bake Sale for Haiti!

Bonnie is the proud winner of my yummy fruity granola bars. Her winning bid of $15 brings us that much closer to improving the lives of others.

Check out this awesome librarian's storytelling blog at:
[ http//bonnierankin@blogspot.com/ ]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok, I swore up and down that the only thing on my Facebook, Twitter, and Blogger accounts yesterday would be the promotion of the Bake Sale, and it worked! We raised a ton of awareness and a nice chunk of change thanks to:
Diana at http://thechiclife.com who put this all together,
&& Heather at http://thenheathersaid.com who "online introduced" us.

It was a great success.

All of that food blogging made me think, should that be what I'm doing? Should I food blog and gear more of my things to what readers obviously want? [Heather and Diana are both supremely popular bloggers and when I grow up I want to be just like them.]

But I thought, no. I'm not a foodie. Readers rely on food blogs to be healthy and yummy all at the same time. Someone with a food purpose and great recipes to accompany an even greater success story.

For some reason I don't think I'm that girl, but I do love good food. Usually my favorite foods are healthy, but I am human and do enjoy that occasional indulgence of greasy pizza or a hefty scoop of ice cream!

And I do work out now. Actually, it's reading all of these success stories of multiple blogging sites that made me want to get up and go. Until I started this blog, I always hated running. I thought of it as my arch nemeses, and it's evil powers included, but weren't limited to: Taking my breath away (and not in a romantic sense). Shooting lightening rays into my knee caps and hips which would ultimately cause me to crumble. And possibly the worst one of all, self doubt.

But I think running and I have this love/hate relationship.

It is a much more productive bond than it used to be. I have been to my limits and back. I know what I can, and more importantly, cannot do. I have had success in learning the ins and outs of what helps me to de-stress while running.

[[**Story-time**]]
One of my best friends and I enrolled in the same class this semester, and it just so happens that after our mutual last class of the day, we have the perfect opportunity to work out at the Recreational Center on campus. We figured, we pay for it in our tuition, so why not get some use out of it?

She sticks to the track and I like my precor machine. We both do the elliptical, and try very hard not to look too unfeminine on the weights. It's good, quality bonding time.

And since I am partially known for my list-making abilities, I will show-off right about now.

Running helps me in these ways:
-It helps me realize that I'm only human, and I can't do everything.
-It pushes me until I break.
-It gets me into shape (which was the reason I started in the first place.)
-It gives me something constructive to do when I get emotional.
-It allows me to look forward to something even when the rest of the day is sour.
-It frustrates me, kills me, hurts me, makes me ache, pisses me off, and at the end of the day I can't wait to do it again.

[ Sadly, this kind of sounds like the majority of my relationships. No wonder I subject myself to misery over and over and over again. I like it. I really like it. I must have a sick, twisted mind. I like things that torment me and that cause me pain. Things that challenge me to do better, be better. I just might have an unhealthy love for adversity. ]

To me, running is much more complex than just putting on some shorts and a t-shirt, lacing up shoes, and jamming out to angry girl music. While that is fun, running is so much more. It's a relationship I have attained with myself. It has help me figure myself out. It's opened my mind and freed my spirit, because when I'm doing it, the only thing I'm concerned with is how much longer until I have reached my goal.

On a side note: I reached my first stepping stone!
I ran 3 miles in 38 minutes earlier this week!
[[ Less than 45 was my first timed goal for 3 miles! ]]
My ultimate goal? To run 5 miles in an hour. I can do it.
Nike's helping.

Haiti Bake Sale!

2010-01-27T06:20:00.000-08:00

Today's the day!!

The Online Bake Sale for Haiti!!

http://thechiclife.com/2010/01/online-bake-sale-for-haiti-bid-here.html

Step one: Go.

Step two: Bid.

Step three: Get yummy treats!!

[Bidding starts at $10.]

ALL THE PROCEEDS GO TO THE AMERICAN RED CROSS!

[and be sure to check out my delicious fruity granola bars,

recipe courtesy of Food Network, Barefoot Contessa.]

New Things To Come.

2010-01-25T11:08:00.000-08:00

I am excited about so many things right now!

I am becoming an adult, and while I'm experiencing many growing pains along the way, I am enjoying myself probably more than I should.

- I have started seeing an improvement on the bills that I am slowly but surely paying off.
- I am joining a book club! [ thenheathersaid.com ]
- I am baking something for the greater good at the Haiti Online Bake Sale! [ see widget ]
- I got a semi-promotion.
- I am learning patience.
- I have made a decision to be healthier, and stuck with it.
- I have made a point to be around my family more, and followed through.
- My book's plot is starting to take shape.
- I am investing in the best decisions for my adult life, not just for what I want right now.
[ SEE Patience ]

Everything is starting to look up. I find myself MANY times a day realizing that I am happier now than I have been since childhood.

I can't remember a time in my life where I was actually afraid of sadness. I lived in it for so long, I didn't even realize I was there. Now I do. I realize where I was and how far I've come. I still have a long way to go, but I'm on track.

To most I will probably still seem like a bubbly cheerleader. Those people have only known me for 5-7 years, if that. [ Excluding my family, I tend not to have very long term relationships. ] In that short period of time, I am the same person these people have always known on the outside. Most don't know the gloom of the inside and that is my fault. I don't like for people to know the inner workings of stressful torment I bring on myself.

But the inside matches the outside now.

As much as I have always resented the people who wear their feelings on their sleeves, I realize now that being emotionally fragile is much healthier than building up a wall not even a 3 year relationship can break down.

There is something liberating in introducing your true self to people you have known for years.

Just walking up to your best friend for 5+ years and saying:
"Hey there, remember how we went to high school? How we have been friends for so long and we shared so many things, well I kinda lied. Deep down I'm not the girl you've always known, I'm better. I have the ability to prioritize correctly. I know what I want out of life. And even though it's a bit deceiving, seeing as how I even thought you knew me all these years, I never even knew myself. I'm sorry I haven't been fair to you, but I am being 100% up front now. My name is Jessica and I'm brand new."

Of course, I wouldn't really say that, but my two best friends read this and they will know what I mean.

I can't express how much I love this feeling.

And yes, I'm temperamental at times, I seldom am able to choose a restaurant, I hate being around a bunch of people I don't know, crowded areas make me nervous, I thrive in places when I feel confident, and usually that confidence is derived from an outfit of cotton shorts and a high school t shirt, this is the real me now.

I can be very hard to handle or hold onto, but I like to think I'm worth it in the long run.

Just ask my BFF's.

Just a side note: I know I refer to "the real me" often, but that's only because I just found me, and it's new, and I love it! I named this blog on impulse and never imagine it would be this fitting.

Epiphany.

2010-01-22T06:25:00.000-08:00

I finally dug deep.

I started drawing things from within. I decided I didn't want to wait on depression to strike, I wanted to be able to find motivation from myself while I was happy. That was the challenge I put my writing up to this week.

It wasn't until late last night that I was stressing about SO many things, when I had a savior send me a great comment. I mean like the chill bumps all over, "Oh my God, she's right?!" sort of feeling.

My Facebook status last night: Jessica Yates has so much on her mind that sleep right now is no where near an option.

I was commented by one of my oldest friend's moms. Who is actually one of my mom's oldest friends. She said: Meditate on happy thoughts...cant do anything about anything till tomorrow so you might as well have sweet dreams.

I realized she was so right. It was as simple as that. I make my life WAY more complicated than it needs to be. Had I not taken this new initiative, accompanied by a new outlook on life, I would have blown past this cliche' comment. But I couldn't. It really made me think that if I hadn't started my year the way I did 2010 would already be 100 times different.

[ How? Well, I would have said yes on New Year's Eve. I would have caved to peer pressure the weekend following my favorite holiday. I wouldn't have texted him that message and embarked on what may be considered my first real spontaneous adventure. I wouldn't have the patience I have. I wouldn't trust like I do. I wouldn't have the pride in myself I am told I should have had my whole life. I wouldn't be me. ]

This year is refreshing on so many levels because I'm not afraid to be who I want to be anymore. When I say I'm not walking on eggshells, I'm not. Just ask my friends and family. I love this feeling and even though it kick started back in November [a thank you goes out to one of my best guy friends who is self described as an "asshole"], I have really embraced it with the new year.

So after listening to her last night, I figured why not. Why shouldn't I meditate on the things that make me happy instead of dwelling on the things I cannot change right then?

Her baby shower can't be planned when most of the world is sleeping. Class can't be paid for at midnight. Money can't be made while I'm laying in my bed. My clients wouldn't answer their phones if I called them. Studying was an option, but after taking a test nine times, I was not studying at that hour. Other people's marital problems can NEVER be solved by me. Even Sweden got to sleep.

Just breathe.

I started thinking about nice things, happy things. [Like getting to help TWO friends work on things for TWO different newspapers, both of which will publish some of my edits :) ] Things I couldn't wait to do. [Like traveling :) ] Things I am ready to do and will do because of the before mentioned "How?".

After meditating on pleasant and forgetting sad and depressing situations that would usually overtake me and keep me awake at 11:30 p.m., I realized the plot for my book.

It dawned on me like this crazy ray of sunshine through my pitch black window. I jotted it all down, even though I contemplated not moving because I was just so darn comfortable. I knew if I didn't put it on paper, I would NEVER remember it in the morning.

But I did. It's there. And I can't wait to start working on it.

ADD and Impatience.

2010-01-19T09:24:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure why, but lately I have been very happy. The only downside to my enjoyment of life is that when I am happy, it makes for a rough writing experience.

I can never seem to draw out my raw passion for words when I am content, yes content, with the way my life is going.

Let's see, I'm supposed to be "Finding Myself Through Words" so what would I consider myself right now? Hmm.

-Can't really focus on anything for too long, and generally, that isn't out of the ordinary for me. The only difference now is where my extra attention span is going.

-My impatience is overtaking my sanity. It's just that I know there are great things to come and I can't stand waiting. Not even a little bit. Not even at all. (A little 10 Things I Hate About You quote thrown in the mix there.)

So I guess that about sums it up. I'm ADD and impatient, which were two things I already knew. Therefore, today's short post really didn't assist me in finding myself at all.

Oh well, the last few months overshadow my slight writer's block by a country mile.

Distance.

2010-01-17T21:42:00.001-08:00

Phone conversations will be the death of me, and being apart like this is not easy. I never realized what people meant when they said long distance anything (i.e. friendships, relationships, families, etc.) were that hard. I always thought It's just distance, that's what phones are for... Wrong.

I have a new respect for anyone that cares for anybody that is not within driving distance of them. I have never in my whole life lived terribly far from anyone with whom I am close. I am fortunate in that aspect of my life and I never realized it until now. Any time I want to see someone, I could just hop into my car and drive roughly 30 minutes, if that, to see whoever I wanted, when ever I wanted. But now, it seems that distance is the demon seed that is teaching me patience. That taboo virtue that I never quite mastered.

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, I will be one very fond girl in a few weeks.

Helping Haiti.

2010-01-16T18:04:00.000-08:00

Many of you out there have heard about the disaster in Haiti, and although I try to steer clear of the depressing stories and photos, I want to help. As much as the world would like to wish the catastrophic event didn't occur, it did. It has reshaped the lives of many, and all for the worse.

All too often things like this happen, and all too often we [as middle class members of society] have our hands tied and are unable to help, even though some of us would love nothing more than to pitch in and make their lives as good as new. If this sounds like you, your helpfulness may be put too good use.

There is a way to help Haiti now!

No sending money to third party collectors who may or may not follow through with the donation. No having to gather money together to fly to Haiti to physically be the one cleaning up debris or rebuilding churches, homes, and schools. Most of us don't have the funding or the vacation time saved up, but there is a way you can do your part.

HELP WITH THE ONLINE
BAKE SALE FOR HAITI.

And all you have to do is make the decision:
bid or bake.

If you choose to bake:
1. Visit Diana's blog: http://thechiclife.typepad.com
2. Leave her a comment stating what you would like to bake, if it's vegan, vegetarian, or neither, and if you are willing to ship in the U.S., Canada, or both.

If you choose to bid:
1. On Wednesday, January 27, 2010, visit http://thechiclife.typepad.com
2. Bidding will be open from 12:01 a.m. until 11:59 p.m.

Please help out the less fortunate. This is your way to contribute to the greater good without having to leave your laptop.

Thank you in advance.

Both Feet.

2010-01-13T09:36:00.000-08:00

It never ceases to amaze me how fast everything changes in my life. Now sure, I'm the one in "control", if that is even the right thing to call it, but it always seems as if things are way beyond my grasp.

Everything changes. Things never stay the same. Whether they are progressive or backpeddling, things in life never really stay in one place.

I am choosing to quote the ever famous Phoebe Buffay. Her boyfriend says to her, "We have to move forward, because if we aren't moving forward then we are just moving backward." And her reply, "Well no that's not true. If we aren't moving forward we are just staying still, and staying still is ok. See watch." She sits extremely still, but deep down she is worried that he is right.

What if it's not ok to stay in the same place? What if we are supposed to move forward and not stay put? Is that why it's referred to as a "slump" or "rut"? [ or a rump or slut :) ]

All I know it that even though I know it is frustrating for the people close to me to see my life change constantly, and that those who don't keep in touch with me on a bi-weekly basis usually find themselves behind in my life. It has to be exhausting trying to keep up with me. My ADD overflows from my brain to my everyday life, and it wears me out. I could only imagine how others feel. Maybe it's just such a tiresome thing to be close to me that no one really wants to get too close anymore.

Or, the more likely reason is that my life changes so frequently, and for whatever reason I don't keep everyone up to date, I get embarrassed when I have to admit that I have failed. I hate not being able to follow through on my dreams, even though they are subject to change as the wind blows. I am a constant person on the important things, it's just what I want out of life that I am undecided. And while I'm not 100% sure about myself, or my dreams, I do know that I want to do something. I want to leave a legacy. Touch someone. BE someone.

To quote Chandler Bing, "The only way people would know if I were gone today would be by the ass print in this chair!"

I don't just want to leave an ass print. But I guess if I don't stick to things I don't earn the right to leave anything more than that. I need to incorporate time for the people I love into my life and honestly include them. I am tired of leaving people in the dark and having to play catch-up everytime I run into someone I haven't seen in weeks.

I just want to keep feeling like this. Feeling alive and spontaneous. I feel amazing and free and exciting. So what if I wait a little longer to go to school? So what if I want to leave in the middle of the night to go on an unplanned adventure? So what if I jump into everything with BOTH feet?

THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT ME:
-When I jump, I jump far.
-When I fall, I fall hard.
-When I go after something, I use my whole heart.
-And when I break, I crumble.

I have figured out that with me it's all or nothing.
"Balls to the wall" as my guy friends/cousins may say.

But it's those passions that keep me motivated to live each day. To the outside world I may not be living to the fullest, but the littlest decisions, which may seem stupid or rushed to some, are the most important to me, even if I haven't spent my whole life planning them. Sometimes the greatest things in life are unplanned.

Maybe it's okay not to have a map for every little thing.
I'm enjoying this crazy, unprepared, bumpy as hell, wonderful ride.

New Found Spontaneity.

2010-01-11T07:41:00.000-08:00

This past weekend was full of adventure, excitement, and just plain fun.

That sentence [minus "This past weekend"] sounded a bit like the preface to a Disney movie, but whatever. I had a great weekend.

My weekend started off with a much needed girly date with one of my best friends and ended just how it should.

Me and my seasonal friend from a few months back had dinner. We gossiped a bit, because that's what girls do, and we enjoyed every minute of it.

After dinner we saw a movie, Leap Year. Absolutely, hands down, one of the best cutesy love stories I have seen in quite some time. Leap Year takes the Irish accent from P.S. I Love You and adds to it the edge-gripping, awe-feeling that The Notebook expresses through literature and the big screen. This could be why Leap Year will probably never surpass these two brilliant romances, but if those movies tie for first place, Leap Year is a very close second.

After the movie, we went to grab some hot chocolate at Starbucks. We could not have coffee since the little momma already maxed out her caffeine intake for the day. It was delicious, and hair free!

I dropped her off, and headed home. But by the time I got home, I had already decided to embark on a "grrrrand" adventure. [I'm quoting the Irishman in Leap Year, it's one of those "had to be there" things.] And while I am not comfortable disclosing all of the intimate details of the spontaneity that overtook who I usually am, I can tell you it was fun.

I went hiking for the first time in forever, even though I would be more inclined to call it trailing. Then, after having to leave to get back to my responsibilities of the adult world, I babysat twin boys. They are four year old handfuls. Beautiful boys and sneaky as ever. They gave me a run for my money, but once they fell asleep for the night, all of the running around was so so worth it.

I got home to a houseful of people excited that the Cowboys pulled out another win somehow. We are wanting them to go all the way to the Superbowl, but will it happen? Nobody knows.

Lazy Sunday came and went too fast if my opinion means anything, and since this is my blog I guess it means everything. So yes, it was way too fast.

However, no matter how much I plead for the weekend not to end, it's back to work for Monday. Long, hectic, crazy Monday. And while I work, I can't help but be distracted by so many other things that entertain my vivid imagination. For example, I am contemplating more tattoos. Tasteful as always. Most of you will think I am crazy for wanting more, seeing as I already have four, but hey...it's my body. And as long as I am happy about it, no one else's opinions really matter.

I don't assume any other examples are required at this time. Tattoos should be enough to hold my focus for a few days, hopefully.
Damn ADD.

I just love doing what I want to do, with nothing holding me back. No restrictions. Thinking and doing what I want, when I want to do it. Having the freedom to change my mind just because I feel like it. Taking off at the drop of a hat just to go somewhere. I guess my ADD is a blessing in disguise, if it even is ADD. I'm self diagnosed, so maybe I just use it as my excuse. Either way, what ever is making me tick and feel this alive, I don't want it to go away.

Living for me in 2010. It's a great feeling.

This Rhyme.

2010-01-08T13:38:00.000-08:00

I'm not speeding up,
But I'm not slowing down.
I'm through building bridges
In this flat-landed town.

I wish to mentally stay here
Enjoying this moment in time.
Where all of my joys
Come from writing this rhyme.

The One with the Outline.

2010-01-08T07:04:00.001-08:00

So much has happened in the last few days, my fingers can barely keep up. Today's post will consist of numerous bullets and numbers that break down things and make them more appealing to the eye.

I. School.

A. School has been a roller coaster for me for a few reasons.

--1. I have had a hard time deciding to go with my gut and just go after the major I have a passion for, regardless of what others say.
--2. Paying for school is not the easiest when you have no money, no credit, and no co signers.
--3. As if (1) and (2) weren't enough, I find it hard to get motivated to pursue things when the end result seems forever away. [My impatientence and ADD come into play a little here.]
--4. I am considering transferring, but I have yet to decide on where.

II. Being Healthy.

A. I can't just call it running anymore, because it has surpassed that point. Now, I do many things to keep in shape.

--1. I am eating better. Usually I have granola and yogurt for breakfast, a small healthy meal for lunch, and then post run I enjoy something full of yummy goodness.
--2. I am running. Not necessarily every day because the cold temperatures have reached lows that this part of Texas has not seen in my lifetime.
--3. My brother is my "personal trainer." He pushes me to work out with him. He does it every night anyway so I figured why not bond over something he enjoys? Plus, I will get to benefit in the end. It's a win-win situation.

III. Personal Life.

A. Things are actually beginning to pick up quite nicely in this department, and while I am not sure where it's going, or really what to say (because I know he reads this) I don't want to mess it up. So, for now, let's just say I am happy and I like being happy.

IV. UT v. Bama.

A. Yes, this gets it's own special Roman numeral because it is that big of a deal at my house. UT is huge deal to my sister and step-dad, and when you throw in an incredible SCC team like Alabama into the mix, well let's just say last night es no bueno en mi casa.

[These will be short]
--1. McCoy was hurt.
--2. They put in a true freshman, Gilbert, who was terrified and rightfully so.
--3. Ingram is a beast.
--4. The loss was devastating, but I am just happy McCoy will recover. Even if my sister doesn't.

And that is all, but I wish to depart on this one special note.

"It's 8 a.m. in the morning, and I'm walking towards the door.
Whether or not I've seen you here, I really can't be sure."

See What I See.

2010-01-06T07:04:00.000-08:00

I don't do picture posts very often, but yesterday I had a semi-brilliant idea. I have made friends from all over, and most of them haven't been to my little nook of Texas. Or they haven't been back in a while. So, before I went for my run, I grabbed my camera and decided to do a makeshift documentary!

For those of you who wish to have a little more in depth view of my life, here is the first aspect I wish to share in detail for 2010: RUNNING.

It has become my passion, and even though it has been a love/hate relationship, running has become a huge part of my life. And sure, I am not that fast. I have to stop about every half or quarter mile, depending on the weather. I roll my ankles often because I run on the side of my road [which you will see in just a second]. But this year I am interested in doing things that liberate me. Things that throw me out of my cookie cutter five day workweek.

Be it running, thinking for myself, traveling, speaking what's on my mind, or just being spontaneous, I want to love my life. To me, loving something is just having the gumption to get out there and go for it. So I am going for it. I am running again.

Here are some things I see when I walk out of my house for my after work run:

[P.S.-Don't let me fool you, I only say "after work" because that is the time of day I run. I don't run in the mornings and don't intend to.]

The road [that was] less traveled.

Me getting ready to run with Mr. Buble' in the 28 degree weather.

Dedication? I think so.

My runner's legs covered in tights.

They need a little work.

I see the cemetery, which may be a little creepy, but it's so peaceful.

I thought this picture was beautiful,

because even in death there is life.

I wanted to get a picture to show that I have will power.

The smaller sign says "Bruno & George Winery."

The sun setting over the water tower and baseball park.

Though you can't see the ballpark, take my word that it's gorgeous at night.

Another sunset.

And me, ALL DONE!

In case you were wondering...

the run from my drive way to the very end of the street and back is roughly 1.9 miles.

A is for Apple.

2010-01-05T06:49:00.000-08:00

My first customer of the day:

Customer: I need to change a car on my policy.

Me: Ok, sounds good, just give me one second to look it up.

[I look it up]

Me: Ok, found it. Which car will you be replacing?

Customer: The '99 suburban.

Me: Great. Do you have the year, make, model, and VIN for the new vehicle?

Customer: Yep.

Me: Ok, what's the year, make, and model?

Customer: An '08 PT Cruiser.

Me: [trying not to giggle at the ugly vehicle] Ok, what about the VIN?

Customer: Yep, right here.

[And since I can't tell you their VIN, here are just some examples of their letter/word usages]

Customer:
-N as in No [And as badly as I wanted to criticize them and ask which homonym they were referring to, I just let it go.]
-G as in Go [I began to thought she only knew two letter words.]
-S as in See [Over the phone, it sounds like "C"]
-V...[Just V, or at least I hope it was V. It could have been B, or D, or C, or P.]

Then she goes on rambling about her "brand new" car. I am usually empathetic, but goodness. If you could have only been on the phone with her, you would understand.

ADD Part 2.

2010-01-04T07:01:00.000-08:00

So, I was supposed to begin writing constructively [i.e. for my book] at the start of the year. The problem is, I can't seem to find direction. I have all of these ideas that could go so many ways, and I have not a clue as to how to harness them into one AMAZING, movie worthy piece of literature.

Ok, maybe I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. Regardless, I still would love to take action and move forward with my book. I just can't pick one idea and move, because about an hour or more into writing, I change my mind.

Imagine that. Me, being indecisive?
This will shock people.

I usually find inspiration from events taking place in my life. And right now, my life is somewhat steady. And while it is much less stressful this way, it does not bode well for inspirations. My dramatic highs and lows tend to saddle me into a rodeo of bucking disagreements, and then I'm thrown into happiness, but not before I smack the ground face first, get stomped on, and have to be forcefully escorted out by makeup-faced clowns.

Speaking metaphorically of course.
Maybe I went a tad too far.

It's things like that I want to put in my book. Crazy phrases that keep people interested. Things that confuse and baffle people. I have been told my writing style is unique, and while I don't believe that's entirely true, I do like to think that I do have a certain pizazz in the way I situate my words. A sort of swagger, if you will. Not so much in a gangster way...but this is me getting off topic again.

How will I ever be able to write a book if I'm too ADD to type a blog entry?
In due time I guess, in due time.

First Post of the New Year.

2010-01-03T16:54:00.000-08:00

A new year brings with it a new frame of mind.

This new frame of mind is accompanied by a new point of view.

My new point of view is showing me how to live.

I love it.

I never thought that I could be happy alone.
I always assumed that happiness wasn't within myself and that I was supposed to find someone to "complete me".

Thank you romantic movies of the 90's. You were my example of how love is supposed to be.

My being young, naive, what-have-you, caused me to think that completeness is brought on by someone else. Meaning that I was incomplete as long as I was just me. I didn't believe I was capable of happiness and recently I have found this is certainly not the case.

I have had a blast just being me. Granted, I was "single" from September until now, I just never felt free. I always felt like I had something tying be back to my ex fiance, or that I needed closure from an ex beau, or that I couldn't be friends with a guy without getting a little friendly. Well I had that last opportunity on New Year's day, and I turned it down. It felt amazing to say no proudly, and keep my head held high and my dignity in tact.

I love being around friends, especially some newly discovered old friends. There is no pressure of having to look a certain way or act a certain way. No stress about my personality, or appearance. Just peace. I love peace.

My two new anthems for 2010 are:
-Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble`
-Live Your Life by T.I. ft. Rihanna

And this is why:

M.B.--"Wherever you are, when ever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life. And I know that we could be so amazing, and baby your love is going to save me. And though I've been through every single possibility I know some day it will all turn out. You'll make me work, and I will work to work it out. And I promise you kid that I'll give so much more than I get...I just haven't met you yet. " ♥

T.I.--"Live your life."
[[Plain and simple.]]

<3.

2009-12-31T12:57:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's supposed to hurt.
Maybe it's supposed to be terribly painful...
That way we wouldn't do it again.
But we do.
We can't help it.
Love should be a form of self mutilation.

New Year's Eve.

2009-12-31T07:56:00.000-08:00

It has been four weekdays since my last post. That is the longest I have gone [except for when I had the flu] that I have not written anything.

Yesterday, I had it suggested to me that I should just make something up, because it would be interesting and it didn't matter anyway. I should just draw inspiration from surroundings and make-believe situations. So what if they aren't real?

Well I am sorry, and I think I just found a trigger for my next topic.
I will get to my New Year's resolutions shortly, but I would like to say something first.

I am a romantic.

I like to think I will be sought after one day. I want to dream that even though he and I aren't close, that he thinks about me. He may not even know it's me...just that he wants someone with my qualities, and when he finds me he will know he's found love.

Like most women, even though I don't show it, I think my prince is out there. He hasn't swept me off my feet just yet, but he will. And when he does, I will be the happiest girl in the world and we will live happily ever after.

Quite a change from my Love Cynic post, but hey a girl's views can change right?

I have high expectations for whomever is brave enough to attempt falling for me. I admit I am a bit of a handful. "But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure don't deserve me at my best." --One of the quotes I live by.

Back to the head over heels, imaginary love thing. A few posts back I was left a comment by an anonymous person. And when going over comments I always imagine who the anonymous ones are. If it's about love, I imagine they are somewhere, earnestly reading my blogs, loving my writing style, and anticipating meeting me in real life.

I know that he doesn't dream about me. He is probably someone I already know that was just too lazy to set up a Google account. But the fact that I create this far-fetched idea almost makes me think I am crazy.

I just want that kind of love. The love that drives you mad and crazy. The love that makes your heart beat faster when you think about each other. Rachel said, "I believe that when I stop looking for true love it will find me. That's why I have stopped looking for Russel Crowe."--This is why I love Friends.

It is very true. Stop looking for something and you will find it. Unexpected surprises are the best apparently, I just can never be surprised because I am too busy trying to figure everything out.

Come to find out, my anonymous commenter was a guy, which only spurs on my fantasy. If you are reading this, I'm really not crazy. I am just using you as an example of how wide-spread my imagination wanders.

This is really sad. I know it is.

I have way way way too high of expectations of my love life. I rarely show them to anyone. I would rather not make them known, that way I am not let down. But today is special. Today it's okay to talk abou things you want that are unseen. Today is the last day of the past, and tonight will start a fresh new year. Today is my favorite day. I love it more than my birthday, or Christmas, or any other spectacular holiday.

Today is the start of fresh things.

[[Now, on the topic of that resolution:]]

I don't have the perfect body.
I don't have the perfect smile.
I don't have the perfect personality.
I don't have the perfect outlook on life.
Sometimes I am mean, or spiteful, and more often than not I am wrong.

So, with that being said, my New Year's resolution is this:

In the mist of all these things, it is my many imperfections that make me who I am today.
I have decided to embrace who and what I am for exactly what that is. This year I want to be me. Crazy, stubborn, impatient, loving, scattered me.

That is my New Year's resolution.

Stronger Than Before.

2009-12-27T16:58:00.000-08:00

I'm stronger than I used to be
I've let go of the old parts of me
I decided it's way past time to get on with my life

I want to get back to the basics
And get rid of all the extra things
I need to drain myself of any un-necessity

Youthfulness may have it's perks
But I only know it's quirks
Here lately recapping the past has consumed me

Because, at the time, everything seemed a mess
And I thought I wouldn't be happy unless
I could just make it to the future

But now the past's future is the present
And I am still living for something different
Seeking a different time or a different place

And everything that once was
And everything happened because
I couldn't and wouldn't wait patiently

But everything has made me better, stronger
It has made me persevere longer
Than I ever thought I could

Thank you.

Fate.

2009-12-27T15:02:00.000-08:00

Everything happens for a reason.

I can not emphasize this enough. And as much as I would like to give credit where credit is due, I am not exactly sure who the original quote belongs to. Whoever he/she is/was, it could not be more true.

Sometimes we may not like it. Sometimes we may hate it. We may loathe it, despise it, scoff about it, cry over it, be pissed about it, act like it doesn't matter, try to forget it, push it back in our minds, make ourselves believe we are over it, pretend like it didn't happen, but at the end of the day it did. No matter how sad/resentful/angry/whatever we are, it did.

There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to change the past. It doesn't matter how badly you want to. The forces that hold the past in the past don't give a damn. They don't care if you are sorry or want to go back and change things. They don't care if you have regrets you won't admit out loud. They don't even care if you find a temporary happiness in something or someone that won't last.

You can't fool the past. Speaking, of course, as if it is an actual living, breathing object. It is just easier that way.

"Forgive and forget, relive and regret."

Again, this goes without a credited author, but is still one of my favorite quotes of all time.

I have done things in my life that I am not very proud of. I have also done some things in my life that I wouldn't change for anything. And while I shouldn't want to change those bad things, because they molded the person I am (and who I want to be) today, I still can't help but to wonder what if I had reacted differently to the things I handled badly?

Would I be a better or worse person today for it?
Would he still be here?
Would I live somewhere else?
Would I be going to school and working at the same places?
Does fate mean that no matter what I have done, I would end up the same in the outcome of it all?

The fact that I will NEVER be able to answer those questions pecks at my sanity. That is, if I'm even sane...Who knows?

I am trying some home remedies to see if they help.
Hello dear Friends, let me introduce you to Malibu.

Santa and the Holiday Armadillo.

2009-12-24T11:28:00.001-08:00

There is nothing like working on Christmas Eve to put one in the festive spirit.

Of course, that was sarcastic.

However, since I am the only one in the office, I have opted to spend the day catching up on Glee, and now that I have completed that, I will spend from now [1:35] until 3 pm watching re runs of Christmas episodes of Friends.

Something finally put a holly jolly smile on my face. I'm watching "The One With Christmas In Tulsa".

Chandler has been transferred from NYC to Tulsa, and thus far has been going back and forth every weekend to see Monica. It hasn't been so bad yet, but now it's Christmas and he has to be there. (Sounds a little familiar, but on a much smaller scale for me.)

This is one of those Friends episodes that has A LOT of flashbacks, most of them in the last few seasons get this way. It just flashed back to when Ross was trying to get his son, Ben, interested in Hanukkah. So, instead of dressing up like Santa and telling Ben how much better the traditional Jewish holiday is better than the impossible holiday we call Christmas, he can only find a Armadillo costume on December 23rd. He is the "Holiday Armadillo, Santa's helper from Texas" and just as he starts to go on about The Festival of Lights, Santa [Chandler, who borrowed the costume from a co-worker] walked in.

The following conversation takes place, which jump starts me right back into the Christmas-ee spirit.

Ross: (to Chandler) Dude you have to leave, I was just getting Ben interested in Hanukkah.

Chandler: Awe, man. I didn't even get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.

Monica: (who pulls Chandler off to the side as Ross goes back to Ben) So, do you think you can keep that suit for another night? (winking and getting all worked up..)

Chandler: Santa? Really?!...Did your dad ever dress up like Santa?

Monica: No...

Chandler: Ha ha well alright then.

Merry Christmas everyone!!

Sweet Sixteen.

2009-12-21T11:45:00.000-08:00

There are LOTS of things in this world that irk my nerves.
People asking stupid questions that don't matter is definitely very high on that list.

So, I frequently am cornered with one of these unneccessary questions. Which one you may ask? Well I will tell you, since that is the point of this whole blogging business anyway.

"HOW OLD ARE YOU?"
(And the "are" is italicized due to the drawn out oomph people give it.)

Scenario A:
When working at Silver, Etc., my job prior to Allstate, I was often asked to help choose gifts for different lady loved ones of customers. This did not bother me at all. I loved it. That was actually the high point of my job there. Well, that and the yummy shrimp fried rice lunches from down the street, but that's beside the point. I had many customers that would ask for my help to pick something out for their daughter, neice, girlfriend, etc. I had a lady ask me one time if I went to school. I replied with a yes, and further explained that I was a sophomore. I didn't think about including the part about it being a sophomore in college, but it was about 10 or so in the morning, and I didn't think this lady was that ignorant. Wow she proved me wrong. She got closer and whispered to me that it was wrong to skip school and that the owner of the company could get into trouble if anyone were to find out. It took me a second, but I realized what she meant, quickly pointed out that I was 19 and she stared in awe. She literally stepped back and said, "No...really?" like I was lying or something. Well when I went on to tell her that I was being truthful, she "swears I look like I'm about 14." Thank you laziness for not putting on any eye makeup.

Scenario B:
This time I was dressed up for work. Slacks, a black blouse, boots, and a leopard pashmina. I have to say I look pretty cute, minus eye makeup. I went into Target to visit my favorite barrista at Starbucks. She always makes the BEST tall iced white chocolate mocha, non fat, no whip. I mean she should recieve a medal. Again, beside the point. I stood at the counter, ordered my favorite drink, all the while pleased to see that she is working. I swipe my card for $3.73, high I know, but it is so so worth it. I smile, feeling pleased with spoiling myself a little. Just when I am near sweet coffee bliss, she asks how old I am. I tell her that I am 20. She looks embarrassed because apparently she thought I was 15, actually 16 because she saw my car keys. Come to find out she is newly 18. I didn't realize you could get carded for coffee.

I would tell more stories but I don't want to bore you. Needless to say I look a lot younger than I thought. That will continue to teach me a valuable lesson in always putting on my makeup.

Good to know.

MONICA'S RING.

2009-12-18T09:46:00.000-08:00

Oh d-d-d-dear!!

(in the words of Winnie the Pooh bear and my sister who quotes him frequently)

I nearly had an "myo-cardial infarction" this morning...that's a fancy Friends quote for heart attack. You see, Joey goes into a hospital room to see if this guy is legit, because Phoebe met him on the elevator and just wants to make sure he is a "stand up guy". Meanwhile Chandler is trying to knock Monica up and Rachel and Ross are trying to "light a fire up there and smoke [Emma] out."

I know all Friends episodes all too well. Thank you Miss Heather Shugarman. My love has turned into a mild obsession, one which most everyone closest to me knows about. I LOVE Friends, and I cannot stress that enough.

Now, with that said, here's a little background:

--Chandler was shopping for Monica's ring in an antique pawn shop. When he found a "1920's 1.5 carat round diamond center stone with .5 carat sapphire trillions on either side" he nearly started crying. He even had the British salesman "propose" to him with it. When he almost told the jewelry shop employee "YES!!" he realized he

had to have that ring.

Well there was a big stink about how Phoebe was trying on a musket and tiara, got distracted, so the ring was sold to another man. So, Chandler bought a "cheap gumball machine looking ring", contemplated giving it to Monica, but instead tracked the man down to Le Spas where he would be proposing, and had Phoebe pretend like she was his dying fiance...ALL just to get this ring back.

THAT IS HOW AMAZING THIS RING IS!!

Ok, so you wanna know the heart-attack worthy news??

I FOUND IT!!!!!!!!

The ex, errr not so much ex right now as an unoffical-official boyfriend/fiance/love o' mine...anyway, him and I talked for the past few days about one day possibly getting to that point where we were. The part about planning to walk down the aisle and what not. Well, he said that since he sold my ring back we would have to find another ring, but it would be a while because we would have to save up for it and the wedding stuff (since now we know how expensive it gets).

I found this GORGEOUS ring this morning, by accident, online and I couldn't be more thrilled. I was looking for some man-made diamond earrings, clicked on celebrity inspired jewelry and voila!

Soooo instead of a regular "Good Morning :)" text, he definitely got "I'm sorry, I knew I said I wouldn't talk about ring stuff, but I FOUND MONICAS RING!!" [and of course the picture was attatched].

Thank goodness he is so patient with me. Lord knows if this does work out, because we are taking it day by day, that he will have his poor hands full.

This is proof that everything happens in due time, and for a reason. Not just the ring, but the feeling it brought with it. Don't get me wrong, I want this ring, but I love the fact that I feel this way again...it just took a minor shared obsession to get this way.

Bah-Humbug.

2009-12-17T09:22:00.000-08:00

As I sit here, enjoying my own individual sized cranberry sweet-bread loaf, I can't help but not want to be be sitting here.

I love the yummy goodness of a homeade bread, and a well-deserved thank you goes out to my boss' wife and all, but just because there is a delicious baked good wrapped in cellophane on my desk does not make me want to be here any more than usual. Even if it is supposed to encourage us to "work ten times harder for the end of the year numbers." Umm no, so go roast your chestnuts on that.

It's Christmas time. Actually, it's one week and one day away from being Christmas day. And while I am still slightly depressed that I am unofficially single this holiday season, my whole "Bah-humbug" complex is starting to wear off.

Someone very dear to me made me aware yesterday that above all else, following your heart should be a rule to live by. And while it is good to make your self happy, that's only step one. The steps that must follow are taking what you've learned about not letting other people's opinions influence you so much, and enhance that by following your heart.

When you can do what you want to do, for yourself, making yourself happy and simultaneously making your heart happy, you have reached the peak of emotional maturity in the field of happiness. There are many other areas that I have yet to master, but I do believe happiness is a key one.

This holiday season I am doing things that are bringing a smile to my face. I am not thinking about anything sad.

I am letting the past be the past and the future be exactly what it is...unwritten.

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas.

2009-12-16T08:38:00.000-08:00

My co-worker is depressed. And I know, everyone has their own special remedies to make themselves feel better, but her's is tap dancing on my last nerve.

She is about 40, newly single, and (you will see why this matters in a minute) a very very strong willed black woman. Her way of coping with the pain her asshole of an ex caused her is replaying her favorite love song, "My Heart" by Anthony Hamilton.

Now, I am not exaggerating, I know she played that song at least 16 times yesterday. Those were just the times I heard the beginning start, so I counted it. I officially know that song. People my age should not know this song. To be fair, it is a sweet song. And now that I know it, I am pretty sure if I am ever depressed about my love life, or anyone elses for that matter, this song will appear in my head and begin playing.

It's amazing how some people's remedies start out as other people's annoyances, and then become shared memories.

I am officially beginning to feel like it's Christmas. I'm not sure if it's The Tempations' Christmas music, thank you to that same co-worker, or the nasty egg nog I tried for the first time yesterday. It could be the fact that when I go make my daily browse of Target I have to park in the back of the parking lot due to all of the spaces taken by holiday shoppers.

I'm not sure if it's the weather getting colder, and yes the fact that it is getting colder in southeast Texas when it's supposed to is a Christmas miracle, or what it is...but it is starting to feel like the holiday season to me.

I have LOTS to be thankful for. Great friends, two in particular I love dearly, an amazing family, a job that still allows me to work 40 hour weeks, my car is alive and well, my love life is picking up in the best of ways...Life is good and it's about DAMN time.

Merry Christmas! Only 9 more days.

New Recipe Wednesday.

2009-12-16T06:33:00.000-08:00

So, it's that time again. And this week I didn't forget!

Two days ago I was trying to think of a warm, yummy dinner that wasn't too difficult that I could sip on while wrapping gifts and watching Christmas movies. I didn't have the hours to make a good gumbo, I wasn't really in a stew kinda mood, and chili just would not have hit the spot.

I stumbled across this recipe, and it was a hit! It is delicious, super super easy to make, and did I mention it was delicious? Just make this quick and easy bisque, boil some rice, possibly have some good bread handy, and you've got yourself a great cold-day meal!

Creole Lobster and Shrimp Bisque

Ingredients
2 steamed fresh lobster tails**
4 tablespoons butter
1 small white onion, finely chopped
2 stalks celery, finely chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/3 cup all-purpose flour
3 cups chicken broth
1/2 pound steamed medium size fresh shrimp, peeled, deveined, and chopped
2 cups half-and-half
2 teaspoons Creole seasoning

Directions

Remove lobster meat from shell; coarsely chop and set aside.
In a large saucepan, melt butter over medium heat. Add onion, celery, and garlic; cook for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Stir in flour, and cook for 2 minutes. Stir in chicken broth; cook for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally, until thickened.

Add lobster meat and shrimp. Stir in half-and-half and Creole seasoning; cook for 10 minutes, or until heated through, stirring occasionally. Serve immediately.

**I replaced lobster tails with a bag of frozen scallops. They are easier, cheaper, and it was phenomenal.

(courtesy of Food Network and Paula Deen)

12/12.

2009-12-15T06:53:00.001-08:00

So, over the last few days I have tried to decide how to exactly put what I went through this weekend into words. It is VERY uncharacteristic of me to not know what to say, or at least make up something to say just to suffice the silence. But this weekend was different. I was, for once in my life, speechless.

This weekend was the weekend.
If you pay attention, then you know what that means.
If not, then let me clue you in..

This weekend, had I not screwed things up, I would have stopped being a Miss, and became a Mrs.

Reality checks are hard enough when you have to experience them, but this particular spawn of evil just made me cry uncontrollably. No words, not even sounds. Just tears and sobbing. Realizing, at 5:51 in my Jeep, driving home from work, that in nine minutes I would not be meeting with my girls at the church.

I would not be stressing out about whether or not it would look right, or if someone would be late. I would not be going over and over and over again in my head "right foot, left foot, right foot..." so that I would not trip in my gorgeous dress. I would not even get the opportunity to put my dress on. I would not be a Mrs. I would not get to go to the fabulous party after with all of my friends taking pictures and watching us have our first dance as "the bride and groom".

No honeymoon suite, no honeymoon.

To everyone else, this was just another Saturday before Christmas. And while they were wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, I was crushed. This is why it doesn't feel like the holidays to me. And while this is all my fault, and I get that, I just wish I hadn't called it off. Assuming that the statement "Everything happens for a reason." is true, than this was for the best. I hope that it's true, for my sanity's sake.

This is a difficult topic for me to discuss. Not the above topic, as hard as it is to talk about, I have come to terms with it. The following topic is even harder.

I never in my life have had regrets. Some say I act too hastily, but it's only because once I know what I want, I go after it. And I do so whole-heartedly. There were people that did not think the wedding should happen 7 months after the engagement, but to those people I would now like to say, I believe that was too long. When given the chance, I get scared. I let stupid, ignorant people and their stupid, ignorant opinions get the better of me. I let what they think matter more to me that what I think. But not anymore.

If there is one thing I have learned from this mess is that I need to make myself happy, and not care what other people think about it. It is hard though, especially when the people that are frowning upon what you are doing think they are doing what's best for you, and they think they conceal it well. But they don't. The people closest to me, with the exception of my dad, are terrible liars. I mean absolutely atrocious at lying. Err, I'm sorry, concealing their emotions to "protect me".

I wish that I had never called it off. I wish that I could go back in time, realize what I have realized now, and just slapped myself...or something. I wish I could undo what I have done, and I wish I hadn't spent my whole life trying to make other people happy.

But I can't now. There are no time machines in life, but luckily there are second chances if you find someone gracious enough.

Only time will tell.

Healthier Me.

2009-12-14T11:11:00.000-08:00

Starting today, I have decided to go back on my healthy kick. Not only because it's good for me, but also because it makes my life just a little cheaper.

Breakfast: Yogurt

Lunch: Healthy Choice or Smart Ones meal and fruit

Snack: Yogurt or Skinny Cow Ice Cream

Dinner: Smaller portions of regular food

PLUS: Acai Vitamins and only one soda/tea per day

When I document things, it makes me really feel like I have to stick to it. Hence, the short post.

10 Things.

2009-12-10T19:42:00.000-08:00

10 Things I bet you didn't know:

1. I love to make lists, but I'm very scatterbrained.

2. My favorite spot in the whole world [that I've visited] is the Santa Monica Pier.

3. My favorite spot in the whole world [that I've yet to visit] is the Vatican.

4. I secretly want to try out for American Idol, but only to be on the bloopers.

5. I want to get married on New Years.

6. My favorite drink is a good, spicy Bloody Mary.

7. I stole mascara once when I was younger.

8. I am weirdly addicted to checking the time on my phone.

9. I am deathly paranoid of being a victim of burglary/assault.
(I check every room if I am home alone. I pretend to talk on my cell phone when I walk by myself in parking lots. The first thing I am doing on my 21st birthday is getting a concealed handgun license. Yeah...told you.)

10. When I was younger I wanted to be a massage therapist, and I have never quite given up on that dream.

Goals and Praises.

2009-12-10T14:05:00.000-08:00

I have hit my goal that I set out to accomplish for the blogging world.

1. 50+ posts,

2. 100+ views, and

3. 5+ followers [that created an account]

I am so proud :)

In other news, there is nothing like a kind word from a friend, or friends, to brighten your day.

Someone I didn't even think knew I had a blog, has been following it via Facebook. [Gosh I love Facebook, hence the addiciton.] She shared a few words about how I was a great writer, and that she hopes everything works out for me. That in itself proves there are still nice, sweet people in this world. She has been a friend since high school, older, and always kinda been there for me even though we aren't as close as we'd like to be.

I envy her already being done with school, as well as her ability to maintain her togetherness even if sometimes it's actually the exact opposite. She's a great friend. :)

This post just picked up my mood about 100,000%.

There is nothing like a couple kind words that can bring a smile to your face. After all, writing is the best medicine...or something like that.

Chandler & Monica.

2009-12-10T06:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday marked my 50th post...
and I didn't even realize it until this morning.
Another thing I realized was that I didn't post a recipe yesterday.

I really need another planner. I am so so ADD that as soon as I think of something I have to do or buy or attend, if I don't write it down it never happens. SOMEONE make a suggestion please!!

I am so excited. I feel like I am really breaking through into the writing world this way, even if only a couple of people follow it.

I had an interesting weekend. A loving weekend. A reminescent weekend. One that I didn't quite know how to approach until the night I had last night.

[[STORYTIME]]

This past Saturday I went out with some friends for a 21st birthday party at a local club. And because I live in a smaller town, the ex was there with a group of his friends as well. Since we have maintained our friendship over the last couple months, I walked over to say hi. We talked, and then I went back to my birthday friends. And all night I went back and forth from my 20-something friends, to the group of my married friends + the ex, and it made me think. I had crazy kinds of fun with the younger friends, but I didn't really fit in. Even though I was the youngest of the whole group, I still felt like the mom.

I have spent my whole life being older than everyone in my family, and acting older than the majority of my friends. (I was born in August, so when I started school I was younger than all of my friends. In a graduating class of 555, I was one of about 20 who were still 17.) But past that, past the age, the maturity, the life experience, past everything...I have always felt older than I am. The fact that my last birthday didn't have a set of candles that started with something other than a "one" was baffling enough, but to think that I am only 20. It sounds so young, but I feel so old.

I thought I was ready for a marraige, but with a best friend who thought I believed her fake support from the get-go, and another best friend that was drifting away, all I had was him. That scared me to death. I pulled away from my family, because I knew that half of them really didn't support my decision either, and the other half lived far enough away that I made an excuse not to visit as often as I should. I let myself drowned alone, just becoming overwhelmed by all the bullshit.

But this weekend was so much fun. There was no bullshit, no drama. It was just how it was supposed to be. How we were when we got back together. Before the proposal, before the planning, before the dresses and appointments and in-laws and cakes and shows and deposits.

Before it all, we had each other. The "stuff", for lack of a better word, pushed us apart.

I let my friends influence my opinion of my life. I let a wall build in between the one guy I know deep down that I am meant to be with. I let the money and the stress come between us, all the while he was willing to do whatever I needed him to do to make me happy.

I let it all happen.

That's why I'm not getting married this weekend. That's why I'm not engaged. That's why my bridesmaids aren't bridesmaids anymore, they are just friends again. That's why I'm not a bride...just a girl.

This weekend made me see that I want to be that bride again, if we get there. It's extremely hard because of my personality and general quickness to rush into things, but we are taking it one day at a time. We are just friends for now, maybe more later. But for now, JUST FRIENDS.

We had a couple long talks this past weekend over a couple different meals, and we have come to the realization that I rush things and I am impatient. Two characteristics that aren't so bad alone, and aren't too terrible when put together. But when a bride-to-be has these characteristics, the combination can be life-threatening. We joked that if we ever got engaged again, that I would have to be the one to propose.

I've always thought we were like Ross and Rachel, with the whole back and forth.

But who knows...maybe we could be like Chandler and Monica.

Love Cynic.

2009-12-09T06:55:00.000-08:00

I am absolutely loving my life right now.

Everything that I have ever wanted, I have.

I wanted love. [check]
I wanted passion. [check]
I wanted adventure. [check]
I wanted financial stability. [almost check]
I wanted freedom from a tied down life. [check check!]

I know I keep talking about things I have realized over the last few months, but they are all so incredible. I always thought that if I moved to a new place I could find adventure, when in actuality if I move it would be fun at first, but if I wasn't happy with myself I would be in the same stressful state as before.

My long for a freedom from a tied down life overcame me.
I viewed marriage, scratch that, relationships as a way to be constricted for a period of time, because deep down I'm a cynic and believe that nothing can truly stand the test of time. Thinking two people can be in love with the same person for all eternity kinda seems too good to be true to me. I'm not as naive as I used to be and I'm sorry if you believe in deep whole-hearted love, but like I said, I am a cynic.

A love cynic.

However, if you can persuade your heart and mind to comprehend that forever love, be my guest.

All I know is that loving someone else doesn't bring happiness, you must first love yourself. Loving yourself brings an unbelievable amount of joy, which eventually is accompanied by passion, adventure, and all kinds of stability. And if you are truly happy in your relationship with the one you love, then marriage won't seem like a death sentence. It will not seem like an ending to something.

A great spider-like man once quoted his father figure. He said:
"With great power comes great responsibility."

I don't believe that only applies for superheroes.

Love is the greatest power on Earth. If you can find it, harness it, and work your damnedest at making sure the person you have that love for is happy, you will never be sorry that you tried to make it last "forever".

Forever isn't conceivable, but love can be...if you let it.

Oh yeah, and Happy Thanksgiving.

Playing Holiday Catch-Up.

2009-12-08T07:29:00.000-08:00

It's definitely a Tuesday.

It is not quite Monday, the fresh start to the week we all enjoy.
It's not Wednesday, the hump day that marks the mid week glee.
It isn't quite Thursday, the marking of how the week is ALMOST over.
And it's certainly not Friday...this post is too sober.

My weekend was full of ups and downs.
Many realizations. Many feelings I didn't realize I had/have.

I decided months ago that I would start a new year in a new place.

I am pretty sure that, while the idea had good basis, it was unrealistic.
I think that it doesn't matter if the place I start the year off in is physical, or emotional. As long as I am happy, I think the place I live doesn't matter as much as my center of happiness...my very being.

I realized over the last few months that blogging makes me very happy, so does running, and my family, friends, and making an effort to make myself happy.

I will start officially writing my book January 1, 2010.

I don't need to be in a far off setting to be an author, I can find my raw materials right here. I love being able to wake up and watch Food Network with my mom. I love being able to go to a club downtown and know half the people there. (Secretly it makes me feel important.) I love school, as much as I hate paying for it. And I love the serenity of knowing that no matter what happens, at the end of the day I have a home to go to...or actually two homes. I am extremely lucky and very blessed to have as many people love me that I do.

Sure, we have problems, but what family doesn't?
I will tell you...boring ones. And we are FAR from boring.

I guess what I am trying to say is that the journey to happiness is not a road that is paved, or one that lacks it's potholes. But it's an adventure you are supposed to take because you are the ONLY one who gets to live your life. No one else. Your life was given to you for a reason: You are the sole person fit to live it to the fullest.

I told you my body was running behind on the whole "getting into the holiday mood". I just admitted what I am thankful for, so that means my body is in Thanksgiving mode. By the time New Years rolls around I should be singing Christmas carols, and hopefully by Valentine's Day I will be all ready for this new year.

(2010: The Year of Jessica, a couple posts back)

Scratch That.

2009-12-04T13:26:00.001-08:00

WE ARE OFF AT FOUR!!
Usually off at five, so only one hour.
But hey...I'm not complaining :)

It is snowing. I am heading home in 30 minutes to take pictures of the legendary snow flurries of Southeast Texas.

Update later!!

Unforseeable Forcast.

2009-12-04T10:50:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty much fed up with selfish people.

It is snowing for the first time this year. The ONLY time this year.

It snowed once last year, and before that it had been 19 YEARS since snow has stuck to the ground in good ol' Blowmont, TX.

Does my boss care that my whole family has either left work/school to go home and enjoy this miracle?
NO.

Does he care that it will probably happen once more in my lifetime?
NO.

Is he here, on a Friday, boxed up in this stuffy office?
HELL NO.

But I am here, wanting him to jump with both feet into the Christmas spirit.
Not being a grinch, NOT BEING SELFISH!!

Even if I was off, I would still only go curl up in bed, but hey...that's my perrogative.

TABASCO.

2009-12-03T10:43:00.000-08:00

So I guess it's official. I am moving.
I am sick of talking about it, so I am just going to do it.

However, I would appreciate someone's insight on how to break this to my dad and step-mom. They are going to be the hardest ones to convince that I am not being stupid.

The day is set. Thursday, January 28th is when I will be "shipping out" and driving cross country. That will put me in NY probably in the late afternoon of Friday, January 30th.

My resolution to start a new year in a new place is only postponed by one month...and I am very very pleased with myself. I can't believe I am actually doing this. Although, this would NEVER be possible without the TREMENDOUS help from an INCREDIBLE FRIEND!!

LOVE Heather!!
http://thenheathersaid.blogspot.com

I am extremely lucky/blessed/surprised.
Sad endings really do bring happy beginnings.

I thought that when I broke off my wedding I would break down.
-It just made me stronger.

I thought when I let someone that I love/loved in again I would fall apart if he rejected me.
-It happened. It hurt, bad. But it made me wiser.

I thought if I was ever offered this kind of opportunity, I would be too afraid to JUMP!
-Boy, was I wrong.

[Yes, that is one for the history books. I admitted I was wrong.]

I am literally living life to the fullest. Before today, I really never knew what it meant to just open my wings and fly. I know it sounds corny, but I feel just like a bird about to take off.

The world is my oyster and I have a BIG bottle of Tabasco**.

(**DISCLAIMER: For those of you not from the south, Tabasco is delicious concoction of spiciness.)

Air & You.

2009-12-03T10:36:00.000-08:00

High tide is coming in,
The walls are beginning to crumble.
Fighting to get to the surface
Is an unlikely sort of struggle.

It shouldn't be this hard
To pursue something so right.
All I want is air, and you.
Please lift me up tonight.

It is hard to comprehend
That everything is falling down.
Somehow, I am still here
Helplessly screaming-
But you don't hear a sound.

It's getting darker now.
The crashing waves are devouring my being
But I keep swimming, paddling
Striving to fight my way to the surface.

All I need is air, and you
That is all I need.
You would make this life
Feel so much more complete.

But for now I am sitting here
Surrounded by this storm,
Destined to fend for myself
Riding out this hell...alone.

New Recipe Wednesday.

2009-12-02T07:53:00.000-08:00

So, if you keep up, you know there are lots of things going on in my life. However you only know what I tell you...so I am here to fill you in a bit on what I have neglected to tell you thus far.

-You know, hopefully that I live in Texas.

-I also, if everything goes according to plan, will be moving to NY in January.

-I have a job, where I Facebook and Blogger all day and somehow still meet my quota...so that's awesome.

-Here is something you may not have known though:

I LOVE TO COOK/BAKE/BROIL/GRILL and D ALL THE ABOVE!!

I am not so much in the Christmas spirit due to all of the heartbroken-ness I have experienced since the month of August (two heartbreaks in 3 1/2 months will pretty much kill any jolliness).

But in order to force myself to enjoy the holidays, I ventured out into something I have never done before. I have decided to find the best Christmas cookie.

[[ Background ]]

It's a bit of tradition that my mother and I have cooked up that on Saturday mornings when I wake up, I get my cup of coffee (that has been Christmasy lately, mmm peppermint mocha) and I crawl into bed with her. We sit and watch Food Network and our favorite Saturday morning chef line-up. Down Home With The Neely's has gotten to be my FAV!! But anyway, we started collectively putting together a list of our favorite cookie and holiday treat recipes, and then we look them up online, visit the grocery store, and come home to make them.

From now on Wednesday is going to be New Recipe Wednesday.

This month it will be cookies and Christmas things most likely.

Today it will be my GINGERBREAD COOKIES!!

Ingredients

Gingerbread cookies:

1 package sugar cookie mix
1 egg
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 cup melted butter
2 tablespoons pumpkin pie spice
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 cup dark molasses
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Royal Icing

2 large egg whites or 5 tablespoons meringue powder
2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice or 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3 cups confectioners' sugar, sifted
Food coloring, if desired
For Gingerbread Cookies:

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
In a large mixing bowl, blend all ingredients together and chill for up to 1 hour. Roll dough out on floured board about 1/8-inch thick. Cut desired shapes with cookie cutters and place onto sheet pan. Bake for 8 minutes in preheated oven.

For Royal Icing:

With a hand mixer, beat the egg whites with the lemon juice or extract until frothy. Add the sifted powdered sugar and beat on low speed until combined, smooth, and shiny. Turn to high and beat approximately 5 minutes till stiff and glossy. Add food coloring, if desired, and transfer to a pasty bag to pipe onto cookies.

A thank you goes out to Sandra Lee from Semi-Homeade Cooking.

To My Bloggie Secret Santa.

2009-12-01T07:47:00.000-08:00

So, I received my email today for my Bloggie Secret Santa. And let me just say, I am so pumped!!

The girl I got is so wonderful. I have been catching up on her blog and it has just been so fascinating. I was hoping and wishing that whoever I got would be from a totally different area and be someone who is not like me at all.

Wishes do come true.

When Bloggie Secret Santa's are allowed to be revealed I am going to do a feature on her I think, if she will let me.

Anyway, after reviewing her latest post, I saw that she gave some ideas for her BSS gift, and I think I should drop some hints for my girl/guy just in case they are drawing a blank like me.

About me:

I LOVE to write, in case you couldn't tell.
I love poetry and things of that nature.
To me, keepsakes are just the bee's knees. :)
I am not crazy about organics. I like to eat healthy but I do enjoy the occasional fast food.
I live in a small town and hope to move to the big city one day soon.
My family and close friends are my life.
I am twenty years old. A fact that I have never revealed to the blogging world.
Anything else? Just shoot me an email. I won't tell.
<3

2010 And All It Entails.

2009-11-30T08:50:00.000-08:00

2010: The Year of Jessica.

I have decided to put the wheels in motion and move toward a change.

I talked heavily about moving to New York a month or two ago, and now my dream is becoming a reality.

Thanks to one of my near and dear friends, this dream is moving closer and closer to reality. Heather is her name and she is beyond great. You should read of her adventures and check out what she will say next at:
http://thenheathersaid.blogspot.com

Everything is crazy right now, but I love this beautiful mess. I am bouncing around topics because I tend to get more ADD when I stress. My stomach is just in knots because I want to know that I am taking this leap for the right reasons.

Five questions only I can answer:
1. Am I doing this just to get out of this town?
2. Can I really do this? (Which was coincidentally answered in the previous blog)
3. Physically, am I up for this?
4. Will I be able to handle all of this change without falling flat on my face?

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION OF ALL:
5. Am I fulfilling my dreams, making myself happy, and doing what I ALONE want to do, without any outside influences?

While I am not 100% sure of the answers to the first four questions, I know for certain that the last question rings in a riveting answer of HELL YEAH!!

In case you were curious...
Answer Key:
1. Maybe.
2. Yes.
3. Probably.
4. I won't know unless I try.

Something that I haven't even shared with some of my closest friends and family is the seriousness of my wanting to move to The Big Apple. [See ____ you were wrong, I can too keep a secret.] I hope all of my close loved ones just read this, some without even letting me know, just so that this breaks the ice. I want this to be as easy and pain free as possible. I know not everyone will support me, but I'm not doing this for everyone.

I am doing this for me.

This is real and I am me. I am exactly who and where I am supposed to be for now. My destiny is mine to decide, and mine alone. I don't need your approval or your condonence. You know who you are, if you even read this. I have my own approval and that is all that matters to me now.

I LOVE this new sensational feeling of confidence mixed with a little cockiness and sprinkled with a touch of sass. It's definitely something worth writing home about. :)

Snowball Effect.

2009-11-29T22:18:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here, in my bed. I am awake and it's 12:18 AM.
I have to be at work in less than 8 hours.
I am tired, but not sleepy. I cannot stop thinking.

My mind is like a small snowball at the top of a mountain.
Everything starts off small, but as the thought starts to tumble through other thoughts, down the hill and around the corner, it ends up being this great big jumble of thoughts that I am thinking. Never ending thoughts. I just want a little peace.

So for those of you who read this blog, I might as well fill you in.

I did go on my trip.
I went for a two hour car ride, to hop onto a combined six hour plane ride, to hop back into another car and go for another two hours just to face my worst fear thus far in my life. I have never been able to love with my whole heart. I gave a piece of it, no matter how small or large the piece was, to someone when I was young and stupid. And I was ready to either give the rest of it or get that piece back.

(I somehow fell really in love with a boy who over the last three years has morphed into a man. A wonderful man who is the exact same deep down, just a little rougher. Thank you U.S. Army and life experiences. We were friends first, even though from the first time I saw him in high school I had the biggest crush on him. He was a year older, a football player, and dated one of the prettiest girls in school...but back to the point. My senior year he and I started dating, but only a month before he left for the Army. I was manipulated into thinking I could not handle that kind of pressure, so I sent him a letter full of lies, explaining that I did not love him like I thought I did. He came home eventually and I so badly wanted him, but again, stupid me just thought I was doing him a favor by not giving him any strings that would tie him back to his God awful hometown. We stayed friends through each others relationships, break ups, and drunken nights. The whole time, then and now, I still get butterflies each time he calls or texts. I guess I held on this long because I never got closure. I really don't have a reason to have held on. He had moved on. I seemed like I had. We were growing up, apart.)

Back to my trip...After this day long transportation, I got to spend the evening with someone I would have walked all of those miles for. My heart goes out to him and he had no idea.

KEYWORD: HAD

See, after traveling, and rekindling over small talk on the ride back to base from the airport, we had a wonderful night. It was probably the most fun I have ever had. I think it was because of all the built up anticipation. Anyway, I believed, in my narrow mind, that if he could just see me again. If we could have that night that maybe, somewhere deep down, he would rediscover what he used to feel, and feel it again.

I was wrong.

Not only does he not feel the same way about me, he hasn't for quite some time. He has gotten past it. He doesn't have the feelings. He doesn't care the way I would like him to. However, he does care in the greatest friend-way possible. After our first long day of packing then driving, we stop to get some sleep and after some good company, bad TV and yummy pizza, somehow he knew that I felt for him the way I did. I don't know, but it seemed obvious enough to him that you would have thought I had it written on my forehead. He asked, and I coyly denied it for a little while, but then when I realized I frustrated him, I gave in. I spilled my guts. I let it ALL out. Stupid, stupid girl.

He welcomed my explanation, combatted my reasonings for us being together, and then convinced me why it would be such an atrocious idea. He said we are friends, close friends. He cares about me. He shows he cares by not letting me get close to him. He said that if I got close, I would only get hurt and he doesn't want to hurt me. I know he is right, but I can't help but cry.

Even though it's dark, he again just knows. We know each other all too well.

I cry, and even though it hurts to admit it, that conversation brought me the most unsettling kind of closure. But still I cry. I feel that it was my fault we never made it where we should have. I wish I could go back and just see how it might be now if things were different then. If I hadn't ruined everything. This is possibly the hardest thing I have ever come to terms with in my life. It's even harder than someone close to me dying, because in a way part of me has.

I will never get that back. Ever. No questions asked. I screwed it up years ago, and he built a wall that not even he can or wants to find a way through to get back to me.

He said if it's one thing he has learned in his relationship experience, it's never to give second chances. I hate that bitch for teaching him that. Just because she doesn't deserve one doesn't mean I should be grouped in with her.

That is just the young, bitter side of me voicing opinions.

If it's one thing that I have learned from him and all of this, I can really do anything. I need to take care of myself because no one else will. I need to make sure my wall stays up until someone who really pushes hard enough may break it down. I know now that getting over someone is a necessary evil. And even though it's hard as hell, I can do it. I have pretty much done the majority of it already. It was just that final closure part.

And that was the smart, mature side.

I love that he is my friend, and a very good friend at that. And even though we are just friends, I wouldn't trade or change anything that has happened up until now. It was a learning experience. One that is still teaching me and will continue to teach me until I have mastered the art of the games we, as adults and members of a functioning society, play.

I guess this is just the wheel of the world, the way the snow rolls on down the hill.
I'm just going to have to "Put my boots on and get over it."

Fictional Characters And Showtunes.

2009-11-23T07:36:00.000-08:00

"I'm leaving, on a jet plane.
I don't know when I'll be back again."

I feel like my soul has been overtaken by show tunes. I can't help but quote this song, and many other ridiculously recognizable songs from yesteryear.

I spent last night watching Friends. I am ever so dedicated to that show. It rocks my world in ways that no man on this earth will ever be able to. My family asks me how I can watch the same season or episode repeatedly, and I honestly don't know how to explain it. There are things that Joey, Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Monica do that just bring me to a place of temporary solace. Happiness that has never been brought on by anyone but fictional characters.

I guess life is supposed to be complicated enough to keep us interested long enough to live our lives.

I just wish mine could be a little less hectic.
I used to love with my whole heart, but it's hard to do that now since it's in pieces.

I'm leaving to go see someone tomorrow. Someone who I always thought I should be with but the timing was never right. It hurts because I know the timing is off, yet again, but I can't help it. I am putting myself out there, one more time. He is the one person I can't tell no. The one person who is my weakness.

I hate having weaknesses.
It shows my mortal side.
I hate having a mortal side.

Asylum.

2009-11-23T07:32:00.000-08:00

I have a headache from the stress
I won't get any rest unless I get away
I need a break from this place
A temporary asylum with padded walls

Taking things day by day really isn't my style
Being patient usually isn't worth the while
Insomnia approaches me, takes me under
And I cant sleep

My Second Song. [Fall]

2009-11-20T08:18:00.000-08:00

The leaves are turning brown
It's getting to be fall now
This time of year always reminds me
Of how you aren't here

The holidays are here again
All the gatherings of family and friends
No one knows why I am off in my corner
Mad that you aren't here
------------------------------------------
Chorus:
Because I'm good at hiding my feelings
I pride myself in not letting anyone in
The walls that I put up
I thought wouldn't ever come down
But you showed me how to fall hard
Yeah, you showed me how to break
------------------------------------------
It never fails to amaze me
You're selfishness astounds me
You don't even know that it kills me
To be around everyone now

Because everything is a mess
And I won't be fine unless
We go back to last year
Back when you were with me, here
-----------------------------------------
Chorus:
'Cause I'm great at hiding my feelings
I pride myself in not letting anyone in
The walls that I put up
I thought wouldn't ever come down
But you showed me how to fall hard
Yeah, you showed me how to break
-----------------------------------------
Everything's changing
It's cold now and raining
All I want is you next to me
Here, right now
-----------------------------------------
Chorus:
Yeah, Because I'm good at hiding my feelings
I pride myself in not letting anyone in
The walls I put up
I thought would never come down
But now everything's a mess
And I would expect nothing less
Than you showing me how to break
-----------------------------------------
How to be broken
I fell so hard somehow
I'm so broken now

My First Song. [Just Who I Thought You Were]

2009-11-19T12:09:00.001-08:00

I eat ice cream when it's cold out
I don't know why, but I'm always loud
Sleeping doesn't come easily
And nothing ever makes sense to me

I over-analyze everything
And speak critically of anything
I have some self esteem
I don't know why
-------------------------------------
Chorus:
Because I give the very best up
I long for nothing but love
I want the things in life
That everyone wants

I need understanding
Just appreciative caring
And if this blows your mind, then
You are just who I thought you were
-------------------------------------
Every time I try to
Learn to be better, I fall so
Hard I don't know why
Your approval means so much

You are just another person
A plain human being
Living, breathing
Heart beating just like me
-------------------------------------
Chorus:
But I give the very best up
I long for nothing but love
I want the things in life
That everyone wants

I need understanding
Some appreciative caring
And if it blows your mind, then
You are just who I thought you were
-------------------------------------
There's no need for fighting
No use in arguing
Just leave me here waiting
Again and again
Just wait, because one day
I won't be here

Once you're ready, I'll be
-------------------------------------
Chorus:
Giving the very best up
Having nothing but love
Wanting for nothing in life

I found some who is understanding
Gives appreciative caring
And if it blows your mind, then
You are just who I thought you were
-------------------------------------
The same person I thought you were
The simple human I knew you were

"The Dogs" Dream.

2009-11-18T07:18:00.000-08:00

I had the craziest two dreams last night.

The latter of the two is not nearly as interesting, so I will start with it.

My Dad and Step-Mom (who are married and have two children together) got married.
It was a small ceremony. Only him, her, her sister, my younger brothers and sister, me, and two of their friends (who are also married). The wedding took place in our driveway, under our basketball goal. After he pronounced them husband and wife everyone got out of their folding chairs and threw petals through the hoop. Then we all went into our backyard, which in my dream was the beach, and had a bar-b-que.

The first one was way fascinating.
It involved me as the main character, unlike the other dream, and I was in school...beauty school. However, my beauty school class was in my old high school. We had some kind of fire drill which forced everyone to leave in a hurry, and I hauled ass for the parking lot. I was leaving school, cutting class...pretty much being a daredevil.

Well while I was rushing off I saw some cops going after the other students attempting to cut class, so I steered off into an abandoned building. Apparently, the walk from the school to the parking lot was forever long. Well, while I was off in this building, hiding from the cops and the crazed people who were leaving the non-buring semi-high school, I hear above me (yes above me) on a concrete slab some guys.

I walk up there, and they get mad. "The Dogs" are self proclaimed ruffians, who consequently had pulled the fire alarm to get the afternoon off. They were definitely not in beauty school, so I guess there were other sorts of classes there. The leader of them took me and beat the crap out of me. Then embarrassed me, though I don't remember how.

He felt bad, so then he liked me. He left his friends for me. He appreciated me, and as time lapsed in my dream, I fell in love with this familiar fictional man. Then he betrayed me.

He lured me into the same room as the beginning of the dream, where he told me to close my eyes, so I did. And I am not sure how I hurt this group of people, but somehow I did and they hated me for it. I was hanging out in their spot, with their leader. And just as I started to peek, I saw him change back into exactly who he was in the beginning of the dream.

I ran to the top of the building, he came after me. I defended myself by pushing him. He fell, and died.

Needless to say his followers were not too happy with this, considering they walked in just as it happened and saw the end of the whole ordeal. So they came after me since him liking me and giving up his friends was some form of cruel joke.

And they are walking towards me, in a hoard...And I wake up.

What does this mean?!!

Therapeutic Tuesday.

2009-11-17T10:14:00.000-08:00

I want to know why I get frustrated, with everyone but you.
I want to know what makes your eyes so blue.
I want to know how I find another love this true.
I wish I could know if you are feeling this too.

Just trying out a little of therapeutic poetry.
If I get good responses I will continue.
(You can respond on my facebook as well.)

Laugh More, Stress Less.

2009-11-16T06:43:00.000-08:00

It has been ten days since my last post. Ten days! I feel like I have not only neglected the blogging world, but I have cheated on myself. (Even though I am at work usually when I post, I really view this as my "alone time".)

So much has happened in the last week and a half. So much has been realized.

This path to self-discovery I embarked on a few months ago has taught me a few things:

1. The heart wants what it wants, there is no changing that.
2. It is OKAY to not be a size 4.
3. I truly believe the #2 statement.
4. Making my number one priority putting myself first has made my life so much better.
5. Money does not grow on trees, and if you need help, asking for it doesn't make you weak.
6. Family should be a very close second to the most important thing in your life, yourself.
7. If I don't like myself/can't make myself happy/don't think I am pretty, how in the world should I expect anyone else to?

As selfish as the above statements may sound, I really don't care. I know that sounds bad , and I may sound like a lesser person for it, but I have spent so much of my life trying to be a "people-pleaser" that I wasn't a "me-pleaser".

I am the most vital person in my life because without me, my life wouldn't exsist.

Things in my life aren't going according to "a plan" anymore. My whole semi-adult life I have bounced around this plan, stressed when it didn't work out, and then stressed some more when I had to revamp "the plan". No more. I am a self-establishing "go-with-the-flow" person.

No more "people-pleasing".
No more stressing unneccessarily.
No more trying to force the heart to want what it just can't.
No more telling my damn heart "No"...it really just makes it want what it wants even more.
No more living for anyone but myself.

I know it's a little premature, but one of my New Year's resolutions:
LAUGH MORE, STRESS LESS.

Ok...and go, it's time.

Week Recap.

2009-11-06T06:40:00.000-08:00

This has been a pretty refreshing week. Usually I do a weekend recap on Monday morning, and I probably still will, but this is a week recap. I'm just trying something new out for today.

Monday
-Work
-Found out I had the flu
-Stayed home

Tuesday
-Stayed home because of the flu

Wednesday
-Went back to work, even though I still felt terrible
-Got to go shopping for a movie that didn't exsist
-Had an ice cream date
-Watched Friends with a friend until I fell asleep

Thursday
-Work and felt much better
-Got ready at my house with my sister and cousins for a concert
-Went to eat for a long overdue girls dinner at one of my FAVORITE places
-Met up with another group of great girls and attended a Texas country concert
-Bar hopped, hung out, went home and to bed

Friday
-Work and feel 100% better
-Road tripping to another town to meet up with my Aunt
-Having a girls night date

Saturday
-Waking up early (9 am)
-Running/Walking the American Heart Association 5k!! (My first 5k!!)
-Then who knows....

The point is, even though my week seemed like it sucked up until about after work Wednesday, it really didn't. I was sick, yes. And I did feel like death. But I am starting to look at the bright side of everything. I had the opportunity, on my sick days, to catch up on some much needed sleep.

Everything has it's silver lining. And even though I may not be singing that tune come Saturday afternoon when my legs want to run away from my body, I know it will be worth it.

A Very Short Blog.

2009-11-05T06:54:00.000-08:00

I am suffering from writer's block.

The type that won't let you hone in on any specific topic and just write, instead it makes your fingers run around the keyboard like headless chickens. And I have got to say, this is growing very old.

I suppose I could just write about things I know. That would be a very short blog seeing as how many things I thought I knew, have proven false.

Before now, I knew that when you say "I love you." it would be something worth fighting for.

Before now, I knew that if I ever fell out of an impossible love, I would be devastated.

Before today, I knew that my whims were nothing more than just me being fickle.

But I was sick of fighting, so scratch the first one.
And I am not so much devastated as I am ironically happy, so mark off the second.
And as far as my fickle abilities, speaking of them as some super human power of course, I am growing a little tiresome of my whims being whims.

I want the things I grow fond of to stick around. I hate that I push things away. I hate that I overthink EVERYTHING. I hate that I dream big and then settle for less.

But I guess I don't know anything anymore.

Guilty Pleasures.

2009-11-03T15:57:00.000-08:00

(written earlier this afternoon via Blackberry)

There is something so liberating about an afternoon bath.

After being sick, warmth always feels as though it has never felt so good. Just laying here, soaking in nature.

This is not supposed to be sexual in any context, so please don't take it as such. But it just feels amazing to be free, just basking in the wonderful water God created, and enjoying it with the body he created especially for you to enjoy.

My mother's bathroom is set up to where the window is high enough no one can see in, but wide enough to let enough light fill the room so that you don't have to use a manmade light.

You can just enjoy the simple pleasures we take for granted each day. For example: the laughter of children playing across the street, the pitter patter of squirrels running up trees... It astounds me that I never got this much joy out of this place until this house.

Maybe it's a compilation of things. Or maybe it is simply the simplicity of water, nakedness, a breeze, and pleasure.

Just the guilty pleasures of staying home with the flu.

--And for a sidenote..
Things right now in my life seem to be going according to plan. As weird as it sounds, they really are.

The weirdest part is, I don't really have a "plan" per say, I am winging it. But my "plan" is to do exactly what I want to do.

"Do you want some great life advice? Be selfish. Because the minute you start asking yourself 'What about me?' Everything changes for the better."- Bette Midler

A Night To Feel Alive.

2009-10-30T06:55:00.000-07:00

I am having the time of my life just living!

Going out every night was getting exhausting, then I was reminded of a very important point:
"You will get all the sleep you need when you're dead."
-Thank you to my dear friend, Mr. A&M.

I was exhausted, and getting sick, but I pushed through it. After an hour and a half power nap post-8 hour work day, I was rejuvenated! I, energetically, got up, got ready, and had fun last night.

I went to a local bar. Even though it is pretty pointless to, being that I'm 20, but still. Some friends and I got together prior to going out. They made dinner and we just sat and talked for hours. Those girls will never know how much I needed that.

After everyone got ready, we drove in the pouring rain to our destination.
It was a blast.

Everyone was drunk by the time we got there. And that makes for GREAT entertainment.

I think I am starting to love this town after all. As small as it is, it is really starting to take a liking to me, and I am having fun returning the favor.

I saw everyone I wanted to, and some I didn't. Overall it was super fun.
Not to mention I got walked to my car at the end of the night under my small umbrella.

Nothing beats a first kiss in the rain. <3

He is great. I can't help but smile every time I think about last night. I love this feeling.

(And as much as I love seeing people out that don't approve of my situation, I am learning to live my life according to my standards and do what makes me happy. It's a really great change.)

Now, to wrap up a bit, the moral of this story is that college kids can run on Ramen noodles and 3 hours of sleep a night. We are the future, and you should be very afraid.

Oh, and P.S.- Tomorrow is Halloween and I am dressing up for the first time in my life! I am going to be a Regal Queen. The Queen of Halloween. It combines all of my favorites: the color purple, animal print, and authority. Bring on my royal subjects.

So Happy It's Sick.

2009-10-29T12:58:00.000-07:00

I've decided I need a tape recorder to keep in my purse.

Last night on the way home, and then again this morning I had the best mini paragraphs, word for word, planned out in my head. And as soon as something took my attention away from it, my thoughts remain permanently lost. That is why I think I should write short stories instead of a novel.

Too many ADD thoughts running through this brain.

I have also recently realized that if you don't pay attention to signals your body sends you, you will pay the consequences. I have been feeling yuck for about 3-4 days now. I have so many things I have to do and participate in. My body is saying slow down, but my mind is telling it to just wait until after Halloween.

Last night, on the way home I saw four deer during my long drive down the infamous dark HWY 105. Four of them. Scattered over a few miles, but they all looked so peaceful.

I ended up driving home, my long 40 minute drive, without even having any music playing at all.
I was just enjoying where I was, emotionally, physically, everything.
Happiness is a really great thing.

-My friends and I are closer than I have ever been to them.
-I am enjoying EVERY aspect of my life right now. (Even the sick part, believe it or not.)
-I LOVE my job, even though it stresses me out.
-My family is all healthy and happy for the most part.
-And there's this boy... <3

I couldn't see how this could get better.

Dear Jesus,
I want it to stay this way, pretty please.
Thanks,
Jessica

P.S.-Updates about the boy to come.

Sickly.

2009-10-28T06:49:00.000-07:00

So I have been a little down about writing lately.
I think I am getting the flu or something.
I feel awful.

Life must go on though, right? Ugh..

No posts for the next couple days probably.

A Proclamation Among Blogs.

2009-10-26T07:00:00.001-07:00

"Oh, the weather outside is frightful." The dreary atmosphere of my small town cannot help but remind me of the inner workings of a Poe short story. The ghastly clouds and roaring winds are just perfect for the setting of today's topic.

Forward:
This is not a written pity party. I actually feel this way. I believe every word. I am not fishing for sympathy or empathy. I am simply stating facts.

I used to be obsessed with love, being in a relationship, and what not. Since I was 16, and allowed to date, I have not been single for longer than a month. My step dad used to tell me if a guy liked me, I would give him a chance. Secretly hinting at the fact that I had low self esteem and in turn must be desperate for love, affection, acceptance, etc.

I have realized in the last few days that that isn't good for me or anyone that I cross paths with that may or may not take an interest in me. I can't resist attention. I like it. Everyone likes it. It's human nature. But I don't want to hurt anyone else that may house potential feelings for me.

Therefore I am making this proclamation. I will not again, (any time soon, because I never say never) tell ANYONE that I love them, unless I already have in the past. I can't fall in love again. Not only for my sake, but for the sake of my potential victim.

I seem to do nothing constructive in relationships. I hurt people, and that's all I seem to be good for.

My friend imparted some valuable wisdom upon me this morning:
"If you always hurt the people close to you, you will never be happy."

My reply:
"Obviously."

But even though I may not be happy, I do feel a little better knowing I won't make anyone elses life miserable. I am an optimist turned cynic.

I really want someone to brave this, a strong knight in shining armor to ride up and prove me wrong. I dare him.

Crossing Off Four.

2009-10-23T07:19:00.000-07:00

So, I figured today I would use my blog to catch up on my 25 in 365 list.
I am able to cross off four items.

8. Buy a one-way ticket somewhere
So this was accomplished by me going to see my Army man-friend. I will be flying there and then driving back with him so he does not have to drive it alone. We are making a road trip out of it, which leads me to my next item to cross off.

11. Take a road trip
I have already taken a road trip once this month, so that I may cross it off my list. A good guy friend of mine and I went down to Corpus Christi, and drove back but not before detouring to San Antonio. It was great fun. This upcoming road trip, however, will be much longer and spanning over about six states and three days. I CAN NOT WAIT!!

15. Go in Target, and spend nothing
I figured that this, by far, would be the hardest thing for me to accomplish on my list. Well, aside from the infamous #25 (Keep myself from falling too hard for anyone). But it really wasn't. I didn't plan on not spending money. I went in to look. Found a few shirts I liked. But when I went to check out, I put them back. That is some strong will power, let me just tell you.

21. Go camping
And this one, well I half way did it. I realized that this was stupid to put on my list because I will never actually sleep outside. I did go to a campsite with some friends. We made hot dogs with zig zaggy mustard, s'mores, and took lots of pictures. But when it got to be about 2 a.m. I was exhausted and cranky. I did not want to sleep in a damp tent/truck bed. But this is as close as I am going to get to completing this so, I am crossing it off of my list.

On a way more excited note, I can't wait for this weekend. Get ready for a lengthy recap on Monday morning!!

New Job & Much Much More.

2009-10-22T13:10:00.000-07:00

So, I am working at Allstate because, back when I was job hunting, I was in search of a career that would carry me through my married life.

Well there is no more married life, and definitely no need for a serious career right now...especially when there are so many wonderful things I want to do.

I put in my application at this new chic, up and coming bar/grill/steakhouse and had an interview today. I got the job!

I was nervous about giving my two weeks notice, especially since Mary just left two weeks ago and he has still yet to fill her position. Her's was more tidious, but it's whatever. That's neither here nor there. Lola and I had lunch a few days ago, and I swung by just to pick up and application. Well, that turned into turning in the application, which led to an interview, that turned into a job!

I am so excited because it is much more laid back than this high stress situation I have found myself in. The only downside was breaking the news to my great boss. He, coincidentally, called me into his office for a raise. He knew I was leaving though, he could tell on my face. That, and because I had been talking about it off and on since the ex and I split.

I told him:
"I want to travel. If I stay here I will only stay here and that's not what I want. I need to figure out my life. And when I go back to school in the spring I need a less high profile job. School needs to come first."

(I knew that last sentence would bag and tag my double-bachelor degree earning boss.)

He said:
"I understand. You are a great employee. If you decide in 6 months or whatever that you haven't accomplished what you wanted to, come see me. I would rehire you on the spot. You are one of the best employees I have ever had. You are driven and obsessive compulsive and can multi-task. And that is very important to me."

Today could not have taken a turn for the better in any greater possible way.

So now I am:
-NC -Thanksgiving week
-TN -Christmas time/ish (hopefully)
-NY -whenever NJ has a 5k suitable for me and Heather :)

Yay for following through with my life.

School in the spring.
Trips planned galore.
My life is getting on track.
Need I ask for more?

Yes, I know that rhymed.

Pitter Patter Goes The Rain.

2009-10-22T06:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it is raining cats and dogs on top of my questionable office building. Everytime the water pours harder it seems to make this establishment shift a tad to the left, or right. Like I said, which ever way the water feels like pouring.

Today I am a little frustrated. Yesterday, while sitting in line at the bank I thought of the most amazing topic to cover that would probably retrieve close to one hundred comments, in turn would catch the eye of some big writer executive somewhere, and thus forth would launch my career. But thank you ADD brain for allowing me to be distracted, and now I am back to square one.

No awesome blog.
No future writing career set in stone.
Not even the satisfaction of "Hey, I remembered that!"

Oh well, the pitter patter of the rain just keeps egging me on to push myself in the direction of a great story. Now I just have to sit in one place, and focus on one thing long enough so that maybe, just maybe, I can be great one day. I want greatness. I want everything. Everything and greatness. Is that too much to ask?

"I seem to want everything too much." -Rachel, from Glee's episode last night

By the way, I love Glee. It's kind of dorky, and that's ok for me. It makes me feel better about my life. I do believe that if I went to high school there I could have gotten a slushie facial pretty much daily. But that's beside the point.

My best friend (one of two, next to my seasonal friend from a few posts back) wrote something today on her Facebook, and I think it is definitely mention-worthy. We will just call her Lola, because that used to be her nickname anyway.

"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."
Now, I am not sure if she wrote this, but it sure made me think.

I don't want to admit that I have no courage, but I like the shore. I think that the shore is awesome, and that if it got me this far, it should stay in my sights. But I want to cross the ocean.

I am torn.

Ocean crossing possibilities? Yes.
Shore sight losing? Hmmm, maybe.
Courage? Not so much.

I don't even have the courage to act on what I know I want, and have wanted, for the last 3-4 years of my life. Everything has revolved around this, and the funny thing is, not even my closest, best friends know.

Reverting back to yesterday. The heart wants what it wants. The mind is what makes it confusing. Gosh I hate my mind right now.

Too bad the one person I want to read this the most, won't.

And the rain. Damn that pitter patter.

My Sister Is A Genius.

2009-10-21T06:57:00.000-07:00

My sister is a genius.

This sister has not been a sister of mine for my whole life. Well, technically she has I just didn't find her until I needed her. She is an amazing girl, fellow writer, and one of the most well-rounded people I know.

Her quote on her Facebook status this morning said:
"The heart is always right-- if there's a question of choosing between the mind and the heart-- because mind is a creation of the society. It has been educated. You have been given it by the society, not by existence. The heart is unpolluted."-Osho

I replied:
"I have a question though...My heart always wants what it can't seem to get. Why is that? :( "

So, she says:
"nope, that's your mind thinking you can't get it.. your heart says you can :) "

Lately, it has been a struggle to see exactly what I want.

After my unengagement, my life's goals became much more clear. Here lately, I seem to allow things and people cloud the air in my mind's atmosphere.

My goals post-non wedding:

-Start running

-Take better care of myself

-Get all of my financial things in order

-Figure out what I want to do with my life.

That last one has been my heavy struggle. I can't seem to figure out what I want out of life. I know that I am destined for greatness in one way or another, but which way?

Just food for thought. Yummy food!

Focus, Or Lack Thereof.

2009-10-20T07:10:00.000-07:00

I am dedicated today.

Today, I am working. I am doing my best to refrain from all that is not considered work.
Obviously I am lacking the most important ingredient of refrain, will power.

Oh well, besides this, twittering, facebooking, and streaming audio from my favorite artists on my desktop, I am totally and completely...100% focused.

--Oh look a squirrel.
They should not have put me next to the huge window at work today. It is just way too beautiful outside. How will I ever get ANYTHING done?

I just realized that I am pretty much obsessed with my new routine.
I LOVE love LOVE organization.

7:20- Wake up
7:30- Leave for work (yes, I only take 10 minutes to get ready)
8:00-12:00 Work
12:00-1:00- Lunch break
1:00-5:00- Work
5:30-6:30- Run/walk
6:30-6:45- Shower, figure out dinner
6:45-? - Eat, and then whatever
10:30ish- Bedtime!

Yesterday I ran/walked, but mostly ran for the better part of TWO miles! And for all you athletic divas out there eating your healthy food, running marathons, and being awesome...well I'm not there yet, but I plan to be by next summer. I decided it's pointless to try and diet, but the more and more I thought about it, I do need a stress relief.

Facts:
I want a stress relief.
I love my iPod.
I immensely enjoy time alone.
I want to get healthier.
I live on a nearly secluded street.
LIGHT BULB!

Hey, maybe I should run!! So I started last week. I ran every other day last week, a total of twice because I ran on Tuesday (and again on Thursday). This week I am pushing for every day. I am so excited. And the weather is just perfectly perfect for it. Crisp, cool, football season with miniature child teams practicing in the open field on my run way.

Hey run way...runway. It's like I'm a model. Haha, anywho..I should probably get focused.

Ok, back to work.

Ooooh. And speaking of an inability to focus, I am so very excited about my trip to good ol' NC coming up in November. I am thinking of planning a trip to TN sometime in late December.

Yay for fun trips. I just love to travel, especially when there is a promise of a good friend at the end of the road.

Weekend Recap.

2009-10-19T06:53:00.000-07:00

So this weekend, while it was eventful, wasn't necessarily the weekend I had planned out.

Friday night - I got my nights mixed up, so instead of attending a friend of mine's 21st birthday party, I went out with another group of friends to a bar to celebrate my friend's husband's 23rd birthday.

--We still had a blast but I am pretty sad I missed that animal print drinking bash.

Saturday day- I cleaned all the live long day. I went through box after box. Unpacking and hanging up things. I actually got to the point where I wanted to hang something on the wall so badly, but found myself without a hammer, I used the end of a hairbrush! That's good girl innovation if there ever was any.

Saturday night - I went to eat sushi with a close friend and his brother and sister. We ate quite a bit...well one of us did. After, his brother thought it would be a good idea to go walk around the mall. And it was. We went from store to store looking at all kinds of things. I even tried something at this Asian drink shop, "Cha Cha Teahouse", called Watermelon Juice. And generally, I do not go anywhere near anything with Watermelon in the flavoring title, or Grape, but this was amazing. It was made with actual watermelons and it was fabulous. I tried his sister's Watermelon Juice, but I was stubborn, prior to tasting it, and stuck with my Mocha Slushie with Tapioca..which was also quite delicioso.

Later Saturday night - We dropped the siblings off at his house and went to enjoy the great outdoors. We loaded the car, met at a haunted gas station, and left to embark on a huge piece of slightly cleared land. We roasted hot dogs, used zig-zagging mustard, made s'mores, and told stories. It was just a blast. Way too much fun for 7 people and a German Shepard to have in the middle of nowhere.

Sunday (Funday) - I woke up, had a little dose of morning cartoons with the little brother, and then we went across the street to the local elementary school to play on the swing set. And if any of you out there think that they are not meant for the 20+ crowd, you are wrong. After, I cleaned up and a few of us went to eat at a Mexican restaurant in town. Upon returning to my house, that good friend from Friday's dance party night, and Saturday's sushi night and camp out, brought bicycles over and we trekked down to the hike and bike trail where we rode for 8 miles. It was amazing.

Later Sunday - We ate potato salad, gumbo, and cookie dough truffles. Then sat out by a bonfire where we sipped hot chocolate and again, roasted marshmallows.

Needless to say this was an eventful weekend.
Come on Friday.

First Glimpse Of Fall.

2009-10-16T07:44:00.000-07:00

Pictures via Blackberry

Today is such a beautiful day. The beginning of a cold front came in last night, and will be finishing tonight. Tomorrow is going to be in the 50's! And for those of you who don't know, Texas does not have but two seasons...really hot and kinda cold. They are interchangeable at times.

Last year we had a cold front one night, the next day it snowed, and by the end of our first snow day in 30 years it was in the upper 70's.

I started out my morning by being exhausted and not wanting to wake up, but then I realized IT'S FRIDAY!!...and then everything got better. So far my morning chores have consisted of, but are not limited to: running to the bank, going to the post office, waiting in line a the post office (gosh I loathe that place), working, cleaning up the work kitchen, putting away work groceries, and spending another 7 hours here...in a cleverly decorated corporate jail surrounded by customers who don't know their head from their ass.

But one good thing, well a few, but the main good thing coming up the fastest...

My grandmother is taking me to lunch at our favorite (recently re-opened) local Chinese food place!

The other, well I don't know if I should talk about it. Haha, I may discuss it Monday, depending on how tonight goes...we will just have to see. But you should definitely be curious.

Some New Math.

2009-10-15T15:05:00.000-07:00

So, sitting here, thinking about my measley paycheck, I started playing with some numbers.

There are 8,760 hours in one year.
If you work a 40 hour week, you work roughly 2,080 hours in one year.
That means only 6,680 hours per year are for things other than work.

Conclusion. We work about 25% of our lives.

Goodbye Mary Ann.

2009-10-15T07:30:00.000-07:00

My heart broke a little this morning.

When I got to work, I realized one of my co-worker's last day was today. She is retiring. She wants to spend time with her beautiful grandchildren and her sister. She says they are planning a road trip. Busting a right from Texas, through Florida, and all the way up to see her other sister in Maine. Possibly making a pit stop in North Carolina to see her brother.

Before she left, she made her final good-byes known in letter form to each of us individually.

Mine read:

"Jessica-

You are a wonderful person. You have a heart as big as any I've seen. You have dreams and look to the future with a smile. One day I hope to sit down and read your books.

You will go many places in your life, but never forget where you came from.

Always dream.

Your friend,
Mary"

It is hard to believe that my coffee-making friend will not be here in the morning when I get to work. She was always the first one here in the morning. Always had a smile on her face.

It makes me happy that her family will get to see more of it, even if we have to see less.

Jessica In Wonderland.

2009-10-14T08:15:00.000-07:00

My mom found a quote, and it absolutely pertains to me.

“If you don’t know where you are going,
any road will get you there.”

The Chesire Cat

I have a new found respect for Alice in Wonderland.

Today Is The Day!

2009-10-14T06:31:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning so excited!

I have been blogging for roughly a week now, and the best blogging-related thing has happened to me! Aside from somehow managing to have 2 followers (yay!), I am being featured on someone elses blog!!!

This girl named Heather is a very dear friend of mine. She took me under her wing, when all I wanted to do was move out. She let me live with her, and together, we battled boys, bills, doctors, more boys, and Target! She is the person that I really started my adult life out with.

She taught me so many neat values, like:
-When decorating for Halloween, if you let Heather decorate it will be decorated in full force!
-Friends is an addiction, one most people cannot resist!
-It's really ok to be yourself, because true friends will not judge you.
-New things are scary, but REALLY rewarding if you do it right.
-Calendars are a MUST!
-Love is truly a battlefield, but if you have a cup of coffee, a journal, and a comfy bed...nothing can hurt you!
...My list could go on and on.

This amazing girl has featured me in her blog, http://thenheathersaid.blogspot.com and I think this may be one of the most thrilling days of my life. I know I must be a real nerd, because when I went over to her page and saw my writing I literally squeaked for joy!
(Yes, I squeak sometimes when my excited emotions get the better of me.)

Anyway, please read it! She is amazing. I love her dearly.

Operation Beautiful.

2009-10-13T12:25:00.000-07:00

Ok, so if you don't read http://thenheathersaid.blogspot.com/ , well you are missing out.

She talks all the time about this wonderful project called Operation Beautiful.

Operation Beautiful, in a very condensed version, is a book that will hopefully be coming out in the very near future, and it is a compilation book made up of post-it notes that promote any kind of self confidence or beauty.

I made my submission, and you should too. http://operationbeautiful.com/submissions

A Look Inside My ADD Brain.

2009-10-13T08:59:00.000-07:00

(This post will cover about 15 different topics.)

Today is not a good day.

Today is sick. My stomach is sick. The weather here looks as if it has the flu. The atmosphere at my work is dreary and sickly. Everything seems to be sick today. Ergo my conclusion, it is not a good day.

And so the saying goes, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." And while that may be fine for the optimists of the world, today that is not me. Today, I think, should be a lemon day, but instead of lemonade, I would like to make a citrus martini. That is about all of the lemony goodness I can stand right now.

I have been having writer's block for the last 20 or so hours, and I am about to go crazy. There are so many things I want to write about, but for the sake of those who read, I dare not.

How are people supposed to go through life knowing exactly what they want the whole time? I have a friend that does, and it blows my mind. There are so many different possibilities out there, how can someone have one single goal and then full-speed ahead go after it? It really does not make any sense to me.

Now if you are one of those people I am very sorry if I have thrown you for a loop. I do not want to discourage you for pursuing that which I have not achieved yet, even though I would love to know what I really want, I am afraid I will never find it. I am so indecisive, it is kind of nerve-wracking. I always manage to hurt the ones around me, because of my incessant mind changing.

It is all I can do to sit here and blab on and on about what is not really real.
Sitting here typing, that's real.
Thinking, well that is questionable.
Making decisions, that requires thinking, so again...questionable.
But this. Here and now is real. Me sitting at my desk, wanting to get out of this job, this city, and this life. That is really real. I just wish I could make up my mind and pick a lane, choose a path, make a decision, even if it scares the shit out of me, and just freakin do it.

I wanna be like Nike.

That "Help" song by The Beatles is replaying itself in my head.

My dream, if I choose to accept it, is to move to a large town. New York perhaps. Become a writer, get a degree if I so wish, and live my life doing what I want to do. Should I choose to accept it, I must complete it before I fall in love again. Because if not, that will cause self destruction in T-Minus _____ days/months/years.

I have the ability to go "to infinity, and beyond."
But the question is, do I really want to?
The sad part is, only I know. And I don't know.

The Plot Thickens.

2009-10-12T14:37:00.001-07:00

I spent the better part of the afternoon looking for a pen that was hooked on my shirt, and thinking...

I thought about everything, except my work, today. I think I am going to start my book soon. I am getting together some pretty neat plot ideas. At least I think so.

The one that sticks out the most, now don't laugh, is kinda corny:

A woman wants to write out her life's story, even though she is only in her thirties. So she hires a young writer to help her illustrate her life through words. The main character, "the woman", is from some high class town with lots of old money. The young writer someone who has put their college life on hold to travel and pursue his/her dreams. He just wants to freelance write.

The writer is hoping that writing this book will make him an accredited writer in his own light.
The woman wants only to be remembered and loved.

It could turn into a love story, but I don't know yet.

Recapping The Weekend.

2009-10-12T06:29:00.000-07:00

This weekend was almost indescribable.
My words will not quite do it justice, but I will try.

This weekend, I stood in attendance for one of my best friend's weddings. It was small, quaint, and very romantic. With a mere 30 people, maximum, we all watched as two people's lives change forever.

Later, I began our road trip, and while the majority of the details will not be expressed in words to protect certain parties, it was amazing. We drove for what seemed like an hour, but in reality was closer to four or five.

We talked and laughed, just relaxed. We ate some really interesting food, I learned a little Spanish. I rode in a questionable elevator. I also learned how to make fun of people only using the words "uh huh" and "cool". We listened to all kinds of music. And I do mean all kinds. He had me listening to The Steve Miller Band, Bob Marley, Kings of Leon, and George Strait, interspersed with some random 60's, 70's, and 80's tunes. The inventor of the iPod and iTunes should rest happy, one single radio station will never again suffice mankind.

We had a terrific time, and while neither of us wanted it to end, it had to. I pointed out before returning home that Monday (today) was Columbus Day, and we could just stay because we were probably off. Neither of us really were.

I am so glad I got this weekend for many reasons, but here is a blog related one.
I can scratch #11 off of my list.

Summer, Please Read.

2009-10-10T09:14:00.000-07:00

This is a morning, just like any other morning, but today is special.

Today one extra special thing is happening, and then a pretty fun thing is taking place after.

Extra Special Thing:

One of my dearest friends are getting married! (One of my two, or three, depending on how you look at it.)

She doesn't know it, but she is one of my role models. She is twenty years old. Named after a season, and blessed with the most beautiful, free-spirited personality. If life gives this girl lemons, she can make pizza...Yes, she is that good.

She has been through quite a bit of struggles in her life. "Trials and tribulations" would be an understatement. And now, even though she is the source of the predicament she is is (well, her and Mr. Fun) she is making the best of it.

My seasonal friend and I graduated, both with great big dreams, and almost no money. But somehow we both got together the funding and grades to get into one of our local colleges. She had bigger dreams though. She aimed for an out of town school, and while that seemed to be nearly unheard of in our circle of friends, she marched on. She saved the money, busted her ass, and got accepted. Found a great apartment with another friend of ours, and began what she thought was her life. Little did she know, fate had other plans. Two weeks into school, things changed. She was now responsible for her life, as well as Mr. Atticus'/Ms. Bella's. She moved back home, confronted her night of fun with a brave look in her eye and confidence only known to some 18th century soldiers.

She revamped her life here, with our small town, Mr. Fun, little Atticus or Bella, and has challenged it to see what else can be thrown at her that she cannot handle.

She is getting married today, and she deserves a lifetime of happiness. And even though her life has been turned upside down, this woman remains grounded. Standing firm in her faith, love, and holding on to the support that all of us give her.

She is amazing. I wish her all the best.

P.S.- That fun thing is my ROAD TRIP! Hooray for leaving this place and filing for a bit of liquid induced temporary insanity.

The Countdown Starts, Now.

2009-10-09T06:45:00.000-07:00

I wake up this morning, and I almost made the mistake of thinking it was Saturday, but no. It is Friday.

7 am on a Friday morning and 8 more hours of work, plus 1 hour of getting ready and another 1 hour of lunch (boredom). In case you are slow on this Friday morning or may not work in this lovely corporate world, that is 10 more hours. TEN.

I get to work, and usually Friday's are laid back, but my boss has an appointment at 9 this morning with a client. So he is here, blaring his music and distracting me from my morning blog. How dare he. Just kidding, but seriously.

So I am still counting down from this 10 hour process, right now I am at 8 hours and 20 minutes. I can do it. I usually am not this antsy at work, or in the morning, but this weekend has potential, unlike many others I have had in the past.

Yesterday at work, someone, (and you will probably be able to guess who), decided it would be of the utmost intelligence and respect to drop six boxes off of my things next to my car.

Did he come in to my place of business to make me aware of the garage sale practically going on next to my SUV in our parking lot? No.

Instead, I am assuming (because the mid morning dew had set in) about an hour after having his unloading party, one of my morning clients walks in and asks "Um, do you have an ex boyfriend you pissed off?" And I laughed a little, and asked, "Why?". He replies, "Well someone dropped off some stuff outside next to your car."

I walk outside, to find just that. While I am trying to fit these boxes into my car, the one at the base of the pile is excruciatingly heavy. Just then, my boss pulls up. Early again, who knows why. He sees me, even though I am leaning into my car hoping that I will blend in. He comes over, I explain the situation. He has to help me lift the final box into my car.

That is how my yesterday started. I did not write about it yesterday for fear that I may not have been this nice about it.

After explaining this, is much less detail, to a very good friend of mine, I close my story with "I need to get out of here."
He replies, "Out of work, or out of town?"
I say, "Both."
He then progresses to plan a road trip, invites me, and we are going to get the hell outta dodge this weekend. Turning off phones (at least I am), no Facebook, nothing. I just want to get away.

My best friend, one of two, is getting married Saturday, and then "We are hauling ass and not looking back, until Monday."

That is why I continue to count down, 7 hours and 54 minutes, until the weekend.
That is when my fun, and release begins.
That is when I can let go and just be free from dumb things of drama.

7 hours and 52 minutes until then.

AD/OC D.

2009-10-08T11:56:00.000-07:00

I need help,
mentally, physically, emotionally..
I really need help.

I want to do so many things but:
-my mind moves too fast for me to process them,
-my body can't keep up with my mind, and
-my heart surpasses both my mind and body, leaving it in the dust.
Which brings me to the conclusion that I will continue to travel in this vicious circle and that is why I posted this.

I need help.

I believe my situation could be best described as Attention Deficit/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

My Slightly Shorter 101.

2009-10-08T06:29:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are reading my friends wonderful blog, http://thenheathersaid.blogspot.com/, I shortened her 101 things to do in 1001 days, down to 25 things to do in a year.

25 in 365

1. Go 6 months without cutting my hair
2. Get a paycheck and put half in savings
3. Sing in a kareoke bar
4. Buy a stranger a cup of coffee
5. Go to an airport and hop on the first plane pulling out
6. Start writing a book
7. Go a week without wearing any makeup
8. Buy a one-way ticket somewhere
9. Go to The Vattican
10. Figure out what I want to do, career wise
11. Take a road trip
12. Have a birthday party with more than 10 in attendance
13. Stick to my list at the grocery store
14. Collect money for a charity
15. Go in Target, and spend nothing
16. Get one more tattoo
17. Play football
18. Write a letter
19. Buy an expensive bottle of wine
20. Go to an outdoor movie
21. Go camping
22. Attend a major league baseball game
23. Make cupcakes from scratch
24. Serve dinner at a soup kitchen
25. Keep myself from falling too hard for anyone

Anyone game?

Epiphany Strikes Again.

2009-10-08T06:03:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and realized something. There is more to life than my exsistence, and as selfish as that sounds, think about it.

All of our lives revolve around ourselves because that is our comfort zone. Here lately I have been sidestepping the boundaries of the before said zone, and it is really scary.

----> About to open up, please pay attention.
After breaking off the wedding, I didn't know what I wanted because when I said yes to his proposal, the rest of my life had already been decided for me. I would wake up in the morning, go to work, come home from work only to make dinner for the two of us, do some wifely chores, and then sleep. Wake up the next morning, repeat.

For those of you who think I am a bad person for backing out on my word, I really am not. I made a spur of the moment answer when I was caught up in a life that I thought I wanted. But I didn't. It is not fair to him that I did this, and I regret every day making him feel as badly as I think he does. I have tried so hard to accept the wife role over the last four months, but there is something in me that wants more.

I want to get out of my comfort zone. I want to branch out and touch something extraordinary. I want to make something happen for myself, please myself, pick one of my crazy dreams and actually plan it out and follow through. Because, as together and strong as I may make myself out to be, I am really not. I pride myself on being together and a firm decision maker, but what most people don't see is that my decisions change as often as I change my underwear. No, wait...a little more often than that.

A friend of mine yesterday described me as a "free spirit". I had never thought of myself that way. She said, "You are the type of person who could hop on a plane and go somewhere, just because you want to. And hell, if it didn't work out, you would come back home and try again later."

She is right.

I want to hop on a plane. My life's dream, as far-fetched as it may be, is to be like Carrie in Sex and the City. Travel to New York, become a writer, become successful (which in turn allows me to buy mulitple pairs of shoes) and fall in love with my Mr. Big.

Until my epiphany this morning, I never really thought I had it in me to go anywhere for longer than a weekend, but I think if I want to I can. It is scary and crazy, but I can. And I will.

In the Beginning.

2009-10-07T06:26:00.000-07:00

I have decided, after much consideration and self-judgement, to start a blog. I enjoy writing and always have. And since the chances of me becoming a successful published writer are slimmer than none, I assume a blog is the next best thing.

People have always said that I am never at a loss for words, but how often do my words actually mean something? I mean sure, words in general can either be pointless or heavily meaningful, but that doesn't mean just because I am always talking that my words are of the highest importance.

I feel like this is going to be an amazing journey for me. Finally able to voice all of the thoughts surrounding my head and putting them out there and giving complete strangers the option to read them. Part of me hopes that no one will ever follow, that way I can build humility, but the boastful part of me (and perhaps the larger part) wants people to read, follow, and become enthralled with my life. Because, as interesting as I may make it out to be, it is not.

I live in a small town, and for the sake of safety, I will call it Smithville. That is the most generic name I can think of for the town that has given me nothing but judgement and boredom, with the exception of some of my family and close friends.

I am brutally honest. I say things as they are, and sometimes I lie. I sometimes say things as I wish they could be. I am self-diagnosed as an ADD/OCD moody young woman who longs for something more. I am afraid of some things, but usually, more than anything I am just wanting to make an impression on someone. Anyone. I want to be known as someone unique, and while blogging isn't unique anymore, I fear this need for attention may be the death of me.

I am stealing this quote from my dear friend, Heather.
"But I'm not. We're not. I am still a Miss and we are no longer a 'we'. "

I want something more, but not that something. I called off my wedding, and I will get into that more on another day. It seems like no matter how much more I want, I'm never satisfied. One day I will be though. I will be so satisfied with my life that I will be perfectly content and self sufficient.

I long for that day.