<3.

Maybe it's supposed to hurt.
Maybe it's supposed to be terribly painful...
That way we wouldn't do it again.
But we do.
We can't help it.
Love should be a form of self mutilation.

New Year's Eve.

It has been four weekdays since my last post. That is the longest I have gone [except for when I had the flu] that I have not written anything.

Yesterday, I had it suggested to me that I should just make something up, because it would be interesting and it didn't matter anyway. I should just draw inspiration from surroundings and make-believe situations. So what if they aren't real?

Well I am sorry, and I think I just found a trigger for my next topic.
I will get to my New Year's resolutions shortly, but I would like to say something first.

I am a romantic.

I like to think I will be sought after one day. I want to dream that even though he and I aren't close, that he thinks about me. He may not even know it's me...just that he wants someone with my qualities, and when he finds me he will know he's found love.

Like most women, even though I don't show it, I think my prince is out there. He hasn't swept me off my feet just yet, but he will. And when he does, I will be the happiest girl in the world and we will live happily ever after.

Quite a change from my Love Cynic post, but hey a girl's views can change right?

I have high expectations for whomever is brave enough to attempt falling for me. I admit I am a bit of a handful. "But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure don't deserve me at my best." --One of the quotes I live by.

Back to the head over heels, imaginary love thing. A few posts back I was left a comment by an anonymous person. And when going over comments I always imagine who the anonymous ones are. If it's about love, I imagine they are somewhere, earnestly reading my blogs, loving my writing style, and anticipating meeting me in real life.

I know that he doesn't dream about me. He is probably someone I already know that was just too lazy to set up a Google account. But the fact that I create this far-fetched idea almost makes me think I am crazy.

I just want that kind of love. The love that drives you mad and crazy. The love that makes your heart beat faster when you think about each other. Rachel said, "I believe that when I stop looking for true love it will find me. That's why I have stopped looking for Russel Crowe."--This is why I love Friends.

It is very true. Stop looking for something and you will find it. Unexpected surprises are the best apparently, I just can never be surprised because I am too busy trying to figure everything out.

Come to find out, my anonymous commenter was a guy, which only spurs on my fantasy. If you are reading this, I'm really not crazy. I am just using you as an example of how wide-spread my imagination wanders.

This is really sad. I know it is.

I have way way way too high of expectations of my love life. I rarely show them to anyone. I would rather not make them known, that way I am not let down. But today is special. Today it's okay to talk abou things you want that are unseen. Today is the last day of the past, and tonight will start a fresh new year. Today is my favorite day. I love it more than my birthday, or Christmas, or any other spectacular holiday.

Today is the start of fresh things.

[[Now, on the topic of that resolution:]]

I don't have the perfect body.
I don't have the perfect smile.
I don't have the perfect personality.
I don't have the perfect outlook on life.
Sometimes I am mean, or spiteful, and more often than not I am wrong.

So, with that being said, my New Year's resolution is this:

In the mist of all these things, it is my many imperfections that make me who I am today.
I have decided to embrace who and what I am for exactly what that is. This year I want to be me. Crazy, stubborn, impatient, loving, scattered me.

That is my New Year's resolution.

Stronger Than Before.

I'm stronger than I used to be
I've let go of the old parts of me
I decided it's way past time to get on with my life

I want to get back to the basics
And get rid of all the extra things
I need to drain myself of any un-necessity

Youthfulness may have it's perks
But I only know it's quirks
Here lately recapping the past has consumed me

Because, at the time, everything seemed a mess
And I thought I wouldn't be happy unless
I could just make it to the future

But now the past's future is the present
And I am still living for something different
Seeking a different time or a different place

And everything that once was
And everything happened because
I couldn't and wouldn't wait patiently

But everything has made me better, stronger
It has made me persevere longer
Than I ever thought I could

Thank you.

Fate.

Everything happens for a reason.

I can not emphasize this enough. And as much as I would like to give credit where credit is due, I am not exactly sure who the original quote belongs to. Whoever he/she is/was, it could not be more true.

Sometimes we may not like it. Sometimes we may hate it. We may loathe it, despise it, scoff about it, cry over it, be pissed about it, act like it doesn't matter, try to forget it, push it back in our minds, make ourselves believe we are over it, pretend like it didn't happen, but at the end of the day it did. No matter how sad/resentful/angry/whatever we are, it did.

There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to change the past. It doesn't matter how badly you want to. The forces that hold the past in the past don't give a damn. They don't care if you are sorry or want to go back and change things. They don't care if you have regrets you won't admit out loud. They don't even care if you find a temporary happiness in something or someone that won't last.

You can't fool the past. Speaking, of course, as if it is an actual living, breathing object. It is just easier that way.

"Forgive and forget, relive and regret."

Again, this goes without a credited author, but is still one of my favorite quotes of all time.

I have done things in my life that I am not very proud of. I have also done some things in my life that I wouldn't change for anything. And while I shouldn't want to change those bad things, because they molded the person I am (and who I want to be) today, I still can't help but to wonder what if I had reacted differently to the things I handled badly?

Would I be a better or worse person today for it?
Would he still be here?
Would I live somewhere else?
Would I be going to school and working at the same places?
Does fate mean that no matter what I have done, I would end up the same in the outcome of it all?

The fact that I will NEVER be able to answer those questions pecks at my sanity. That is, if I'm even sane...Who knows?

I am trying some home remedies to see if they help.
Hello dear Friends, let me introduce you to Malibu.

Santa and the Holiday Armadillo.

There is nothing like working on Christmas Eve to put one in the festive spirit.

Of course, that was sarcastic.

However, since I am the only one in the office, I have opted to spend the day catching up on Glee, and now that I have completed that, I will spend from now [1:35] until 3 pm watching re runs of Christmas episodes of Friends.

Something finally put a holly jolly smile on my face. I'm watching "The One With Christmas In Tulsa".

Chandler has been transferred from NYC to Tulsa, and thus far has been going back and forth every weekend to see Monica. It hasn't been so bad yet, but now it's Christmas and he has to be there. (Sounds a little familiar, but on a much smaller scale for me.)

This is one of those Friends episodes that has A LOT of flashbacks, most of them in the last few seasons get this way. It just flashed back to when Ross was trying to get his son, Ben, interested in Hanukkah. So, instead of dressing up like Santa and telling Ben how much better the traditional Jewish holiday is better than the impossible holiday we call Christmas, he can only find a Armadillo costume on December 23rd. He is the "Holiday Armadillo, Santa's helper from Texas" and just as he starts to go on about The Festival of Lights, Santa [Chandler, who borrowed the costume from a co-worker] walked in.

The following conversation takes place, which jump starts me right back into the Christmas-ee spirit.


Ross: (to Chandler) Dude you have to leave, I was just getting Ben interested in Hanukkah.

Chandler: Awe, man. I didn't even get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.

Monica: (who pulls Chandler off to the side as Ross goes back to Ben) So, do you think you can keep that suit for another night? (winking and getting all worked up..)

Chandler: Santa? Really?!...Did your dad ever dress up like Santa?

Monica: No...

Chandler: Ha ha well alright then.

Merry Christmas everyone!!

Sweet Sixteen.

There are LOTS of things in this world that irk my nerves.
People asking stupid questions that don't matter is definitely very high on that list.

So, I frequently am cornered with one of these unneccessary questions. Which one you may ask? Well I will tell you, since that is the point of this whole blogging business anyway.

"HOW OLD ARE YOU?"
(And the "are" is italicized due to the drawn out oomph people give it.)

Scenario A:
When working at Silver, Etc., my job prior to Allstate, I was often asked to help choose gifts for different lady loved ones of customers. This did not bother me at all. I loved it. That was actually the high point of my job there. Well, that and the yummy shrimp fried rice lunches from down the street, but that's beside the point. I had many customers that would ask for my help to pick something out for their daughter, neice, girlfriend, etc. I had a lady ask me one time if I went to school. I replied with a yes, and further explained that I was a sophomore. I didn't think about including the part about it being a sophomore in college, but it was about 10 or so in the morning, and I didn't think this lady was that ignorant. Wow she proved me wrong. She got closer and whispered to me that it was wrong to skip school and that the owner of the company could get into trouble if anyone were to find out. It took me a second, but I realized what she meant, quickly pointed out that I was 19 and she stared in awe. She literally stepped back and said, "No...really?" like I was lying or something. Well when I went on to tell her that I was being truthful, she "swears I look like I'm about 14." Thank you laziness for not putting on any eye makeup.

Scenario B:
This time I was dressed up for work. Slacks, a black blouse, boots, and a leopard pashmina. I have to say I look pretty cute, minus eye makeup. I went into Target to visit my favorite barrista at Starbucks. She always makes the BEST tall iced white chocolate mocha, non fat, no whip. I mean she should recieve a medal. Again, beside the point. I stood at the counter, ordered my favorite drink, all the while pleased to see that she is working. I swipe my card for $3.73, high I know, but it is so so worth it. I smile, feeling pleased with spoiling myself a little. Just when I am near sweet coffee bliss, she asks how old I am. I tell her that I am 20. She looks embarrassed because apparently she thought I was 15, actually 16 because she saw my car keys. Come to find out she is newly 18. I didn't realize you could get carded for coffee.

I would tell more stories but I don't want to bore you. Needless to say I look a lot younger than I thought. That will continue to teach me a valuable lesson in always putting on my makeup.

Good to know.

MONICA'S RING.

Oh d-d-d-dear!!

(in the words of Winnie the Pooh bear and my sister who quotes him frequently)

I nearly had an "myo-cardial infarction" this morning...that's a fancy Friends quote for heart attack. You see, Joey goes into a hospital room to see if this guy is legit, because Phoebe met him on the elevator and just wants to make sure he is a "stand up guy". Meanwhile Chandler is trying to knock Monica up and Rachel and Ross are trying to "light a fire up there and smoke [Emma] out."

I know all Friends episodes all too well. Thank you Miss Heather Shugarman. My love has turned into a mild obsession, one which most everyone closest to me knows about. I LOVE Friends, and I cannot stress that enough.

Now, with that said, here's a little background:

--Chandler was shopping for Monica's ring in an antique pawn shop. When he found a "1920's 1.5 carat round diamond center stone with .5 carat sapphire trillions on either side" he nearly started crying. He even had the British salesman "propose" to him with it. When he almost told the jewelry shop employee "YES!!" he realized he

had to have that ring.

Well there was a big stink about how Phoebe was trying on a musket and tiara, got distracted, so the ring was sold to another man. So, Chandler bought a "cheap gumball machine looking ring", contemplated giving it to Monica, but instead tracked the man down to Le Spas where he would be proposing, and had Phoebe pretend like she was his dying fiance...ALL just to get this ring back.

THAT IS HOW AMAZING THIS RING IS!!

Ok, so you wanna know the heart-attack worthy news??

I FOUND IT!!!!!!!!

The ex, errr not so much ex right now as an unoffical-official boyfriend/fiance/love o' mine...anyway, him and I talked for the past few days about one day possibly getting to that point where we were. The part about planning to walk down the aisle and what not. Well, he said that since he sold my ring back we would have to find another ring, but it would be a while because we would have to save up for it and the wedding stuff (since now we know how expensive it gets).

I found this GORGEOUS ring this morning, by accident, online and I couldn't be more thrilled. I was looking for some man-made diamond earrings, clicked on celebrity inspired jewelry and voila!

Soooo instead of a regular "Good Morning :)" text, he definitely got "I'm sorry, I knew I said I wouldn't talk about ring stuff, but I FOUND MONICAS RING!!" [and of course the picture was attatched].

Thank goodness he is so patient with me. Lord knows if this does work out, because we are taking it day by day, that he will have his poor hands full.

This is proof that everything happens in due time, and for a reason. Not just the ring, but the feeling it brought with it. Don't get me wrong, I want this ring, but I love the fact that I feel this way again...it just took a minor shared obsession to get this way.

Bah-Humbug.

As I sit here, enjoying my own individual sized cranberry sweet-bread loaf, I can't help but not want to be be sitting here.

I love the yummy goodness of a homeade bread, and a well-deserved thank you goes out to my boss' wife and all, but just because there is a delicious baked good wrapped in cellophane on my desk does not make me want to be here any more than usual. Even if it is supposed to encourage us to "work ten times harder for the end of the year numbers." Umm no, so go roast your chestnuts on that.

It's Christmas time. Actually, it's one week and one day away from being Christmas day. And while I am still slightly depressed that I am unofficially single this holiday season, my whole "Bah-humbug" complex is starting to wear off.

Someone very dear to me made me aware yesterday that above all else, following your heart should be a rule to live by. And while it is good to make your self happy, that's only step one. The steps that must follow are taking what you've learned about not letting other people's opinions influence you so much, and enhance that by following your heart.

When you can do what you want to do, for yourself, making yourself happy and simultaneously making your heart happy, you have reached the peak of emotional maturity in the field of happiness. There are many other areas that I have yet to master, but I do believe happiness is a key one.

This holiday season I am doing things that are bringing a smile to my face. I am not thinking about anything sad.

I am letting the past be the past and the future be exactly what it is...unwritten.

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas.

My co-worker is depressed. And I know, everyone has their own special remedies to make themselves feel better, but her's is tap dancing on my last nerve.

She is about 40, newly single, and (you will see why this matters in a minute) a very very strong willed black woman. Her way of coping with the pain her asshole of an ex caused her is replaying her favorite love song, "My Heart" by Anthony Hamilton.

Now, I am not exaggerating, I know she played that song at least 16 times yesterday. Those were just the times I heard the beginning start, so I counted it. I officially know that song. People my age should not know this song. To be fair, it is a sweet song. And now that I know it, I am pretty sure if I am ever depressed about my love life, or anyone elses for that matter, this song will appear in my head and begin playing.

It's amazing how some people's remedies start out as other people's annoyances, and then become shared memories.

I am officially beginning to feel like it's Christmas. I'm not sure if it's The Tempations' Christmas music, thank you to that same co-worker, or the nasty egg nog I tried for the first time yesterday. It could be the fact that when I go make my daily browse of Target I have to park in the back of the parking lot due to all of the spaces taken by holiday shoppers.

I'm not sure if it's the weather getting colder, and yes the fact that it is getting colder in southeast Texas when it's supposed to is a Christmas miracle, or what it is...but it is starting to feel like the holiday season to me.

I have LOTS to be thankful for. Great friends, two in particular I love dearly, an amazing family, a job that still allows me to work 40 hour weeks, my car is alive and well, my love life is picking up in the best of ways...Life is good and it's about DAMN time.

Merry Christmas! Only 9 more days.

New Recipe Wednesday.

So, it's that time again. And this week I didn't forget!

Two days ago I was trying to think of a warm, yummy dinner that wasn't too difficult that I could sip on while wrapping gifts and watching Christmas movies. I didn't have the hours to make a good gumbo, I wasn't really in a stew kinda mood, and chili just would not have hit the spot.

I stumbled across this recipe, and it was a hit! It is delicious, super super easy to make, and did I mention it was delicious? Just make this quick and easy bisque, boil some rice, possibly have some good bread handy, and you've got yourself a great cold-day meal!



Creole Lobster and Shrimp Bisque

Ingredients
2 steamed fresh lobster tails**
4 tablespoons butter
1 small white onion, finely chopped
2 stalks celery, finely chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/3 cup all-purpose flour
3 cups chicken broth
1/2 pound steamed medium size fresh shrimp, peeled, deveined, and chopped
2 cups half-and-half
2 teaspoons Creole seasoning

Directions

Remove lobster meat from shell; coarsely chop and set aside.
In a large saucepan, melt butter over medium heat. Add onion, celery, and garlic; cook for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Stir in flour, and cook for 2 minutes. Stir in chicken broth; cook for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally, until thickened.

Add lobster meat and shrimp. Stir in half-and-half and Creole seasoning; cook for 10 minutes, or until heated through, stirring occasionally. Serve immediately.

**I replaced lobster tails with a bag of frozen scallops. They are easier, cheaper, and it was phenomenal.

(courtesy of Food Network and Paula Deen)

12/12.

So, over the last few days I have tried to decide how to exactly put what I went through this weekend into words. It is VERY uncharacteristic of me to not know what to say, or at least make up something to say just to suffice the silence. But this weekend was different. I was, for once in my life, speechless.

This weekend was the weekend.
If you pay attention, then you know what that means.
If not, then let me clue you in..

This weekend, had I not screwed things up, I would have stopped being a Miss, and became a Mrs.

Reality checks are hard enough when you have to experience them, but this particular spawn of evil just made me cry uncontrollably. No words, not even sounds. Just tears and sobbing. Realizing, at 5:51 in my Jeep, driving home from work, that in nine minutes I would not be meeting with my girls at the church.

I would not be stressing out about whether or not it would look right, or if someone would be late. I would not be going over and over and over again in my head "right foot, left foot, right foot..." so that I would not trip in my gorgeous dress. I would not even get the opportunity to put my dress on. I would not be a Mrs. I would not get to go to the fabulous party after with all of my friends taking pictures and watching us have our first dance as "the bride and groom".

No honeymoon suite, no honeymoon.

To everyone else, this was just another Saturday before Christmas. And while they were wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, I was crushed. This is why it doesn't feel like the holidays to me. And while this is all my fault, and I get that, I just wish I hadn't called it off. Assuming that the statement "Everything happens for a reason." is true, than this was for the best. I hope that it's true, for my sanity's sake.

This is a difficult topic for me to discuss. Not the above topic, as hard as it is to talk about, I have come to terms with it. The following topic is even harder.

I never in my life have had regrets. Some say I act too hastily, but it's only because once I know what I want, I go after it. And I do so whole-heartedly. There were people that did not think the wedding should happen 7 months after the engagement, but to those people I would now like to say, I believe that was too long. When given the chance, I get scared. I let stupid, ignorant people and their stupid, ignorant opinions get the better of me. I let what they think matter more to me that what I think. But not anymore.

If there is one thing I have learned from this mess is that I need to make myself happy, and not care what other people think about it. It is hard though, especially when the people that are frowning upon what you are doing think they are doing what's best for you, and they think they conceal it well. But they don't. The people closest to me, with the exception of my dad, are terrible liars. I mean absolutely atrocious at lying. Err, I'm sorry, concealing their emotions to "protect me".

I wish that I had never called it off. I wish that I could go back in time, realize what I have realized now, and just slapped myself...or something. I wish I could undo what I have done, and I wish I hadn't spent my whole life trying to make other people happy.

But I can't now. There are no time machines in life, but luckily there are second chances if you find someone gracious enough.

Only time will tell.

Healthier Me.

Starting today, I have decided to go back on my healthy kick. Not only because it's good for me, but also because it makes my life just a little cheaper.

Breakfast: Yogurt

Lunch: Healthy Choice or Smart Ones meal and fruit

Snack: Yogurt or Skinny Cow Ice Cream

Dinner: Smaller portions of regular food

PLUS: Acai Vitamins and only one soda/tea per day

When I document things, it makes me really feel like I have to stick to it. Hence, the short post.

10 Things.

10 Things I bet you didn't know:

1. I love to make lists, but I'm very scatterbrained.

2. My favorite spot in the whole world [that I've visited] is the Santa Monica Pier.

3. My favorite spot in the whole world [that I've yet to visit] is the Vatican.

4. I secretly want to try out for American Idol, but only to be on the bloopers.

5. I want to get married on New Years.

6. My favorite drink is a good, spicy Bloody Mary.

7. I stole mascara once when I was younger.

8. I am weirdly addicted to checking the time on my phone.

9. I am deathly paranoid of being a victim of burglary/assault.
(I check every room if I am home alone. I pretend to talk on my cell phone when I walk by myself in parking lots. The first thing I am doing on my 21st birthday is getting a concealed handgun license. Yeah...told you.)

10. When I was younger I wanted to be a massage therapist, and I have never quite given up on that dream.

Goals and Praises.

I have hit my goal that I set out to accomplish for the blogging world.

1. 50+ posts,

2. 100+ views, and

3. 5+ followers [that created an account]

I am so proud :)

In other news, there is nothing like a kind word from a friend, or friends, to brighten your day.

Someone I didn't even think knew I had a blog, has been following it via Facebook. [Gosh I love Facebook, hence the addiciton.] She shared a few words about how I was a great writer, and that she hopes everything works out for me. That in itself proves there are still nice, sweet people in this world. She has been a friend since high school, older, and always kinda been there for me even though we aren't as close as we'd like to be.

I envy her already being done with school, as well as her ability to maintain her togetherness even if sometimes it's actually the exact opposite. She's a great friend. :)

This post just picked up my mood about 100,000%.

There is nothing like a couple kind words that can bring a smile to your face. After all, writing is the best medicine...or something like that.

Chandler & Monica.

Yesterday marked my 50th post...
and I didn't even realize it until this morning.
Another thing I realized was that I didn't post a recipe yesterday.

I really need another planner. I am so so ADD that as soon as I think of something I have to do or buy or attend, if I don't write it down it never happens. SOMEONE make a suggestion please!!

I am so excited. I feel like I am really breaking through into the writing world this way, even if only a couple of people follow it.

I had an interesting weekend. A loving weekend. A reminescent weekend. One that I didn't quite know how to approach until the night I had last night.

[[STORYTIME]]

This past Saturday I went out with some friends for a 21st birthday party at a local club. And because I live in a smaller town, the ex was there with a group of his friends as well. Since we have maintained our friendship over the last couple months, I walked over to say hi. We talked, and then I went back to my birthday friends. And all night I went back and forth from my 20-something friends, to the group of my married friends + the ex, and it made me think. I had crazy kinds of fun with the younger friends, but I didn't really fit in. Even though I was the youngest of the whole group, I still felt like the mom.

I have spent my whole life being older than everyone in my family, and acting older than the majority of my friends. (I was born in August, so when I started school I was younger than all of my friends. In a graduating class of 555, I was one of about 20 who were still 17.) But past that, past the age, the maturity, the life experience, past everything...I have always felt older than I am. The fact that my last birthday didn't have a set of candles that started with something other than a "one" was baffling enough, but to think that I am only 20. It sounds so young, but I feel so old.

I thought I was ready for a marraige, but with a best friend who thought I believed her fake support from the get-go, and another best friend that was drifting away, all I had was him. That scared me to death. I pulled away from my family, because I knew that half of them really didn't support my decision either, and the other half lived far enough away that I made an excuse not to visit as often as I should. I let myself drowned alone, just becoming overwhelmed by all the bullshit.

But this weekend was so much fun. There was no bullshit, no drama. It was just how it was supposed to be. How we were when we got back together. Before the proposal, before the planning, before the dresses and appointments and in-laws and cakes and shows and deposits.

Before it all, we had each other. The "stuff", for lack of a better word, pushed us apart.

I let my friends influence my opinion of my life. I let a wall build in between the one guy I know deep down that I am meant to be with. I let the money and the stress come between us, all the while he was willing to do whatever I needed him to do to make me happy.

I let it all happen.

That's why I'm not getting married this weekend. That's why I'm not engaged. That's why my bridesmaids aren't bridesmaids anymore, they are just friends again. That's why I'm not a bride...just a girl.

This weekend made me see that I want to be that bride again, if we get there. It's extremely hard because of my personality and general quickness to rush into things, but we are taking it one day at a time. We are just friends for now, maybe more later. But for now, JUST FRIENDS.

We had a couple long talks this past weekend over a couple different meals, and we have come to the realization that I rush things and I am impatient. Two characteristics that aren't so bad alone, and aren't too terrible when put together. But when a bride-to-be has these characteristics, the combination can be life-threatening. We joked that if we ever got engaged again, that I would have to be the one to propose.

I've always thought we were like Ross and Rachel, with the whole back and forth.

But who knows...maybe we could be like Chandler and Monica.

Love Cynic.

I am absolutely loving my life right now.

Everything that I have ever wanted, I have.

I wanted love. [check]
I wanted passion. [check]
I wanted adventure. [check]
I wanted financial stability. [almost check]
I wanted freedom from a tied down life. [check check!]

I know I keep talking about things I have realized over the last few months, but they are all so incredible. I always thought that if I moved to a new place I could find adventure, when in actuality if I move it would be fun at first, but if I wasn't happy with myself I would be in the same stressful state as before.

My long for a freedom from a tied down life overcame me.
I viewed marriage, scratch that, relationships as a way to be constricted for a period of time, because deep down I'm a cynic and believe that nothing can truly stand the test of time. Thinking two people can be in love with the same person for all eternity kinda seems too good to be true to me. I'm not as naive as I used to be and I'm sorry if you believe in deep whole-hearted love, but like I said, I am a cynic.

A love cynic.

However, if you can persuade your heart and mind to comprehend that forever love, be my guest.

All I know is that loving someone else doesn't bring happiness, you must first love yourself. Loving yourself brings an unbelievable amount of joy, which eventually is accompanied by passion, adventure, and all kinds of stability. And if you are truly happy in your relationship with the one you love, then marriage won't seem like a death sentence. It will not seem like an ending to something.

A great spider-like man once quoted his father figure. He said:
"With great power comes great responsibility."

I don't believe that only applies for superheroes.

Love is the greatest power on Earth. If you can find it, harness it, and work your damnedest at making sure the person you have that love for is happy, you will never be sorry that you tried to make it last "forever".

Forever isn't conceivable, but love can be...if you let it.

Oh yeah, and Happy Thanksgiving.

Playing Holiday Catch-Up.

It's definitely a Tuesday.

It is not quite Monday, the fresh start to the week we all enjoy.
It's not Wednesday, the hump day that marks the mid week glee.
It isn't quite Thursday, the marking of how the week is ALMOST over.
And it's certainly not Friday...this post is too sober.

My weekend was full of ups and downs.
Many realizations. Many feelings I didn't realize I had/have.

I decided months ago that I would start a new year in a new place.

I am pretty sure that, while the idea had good basis, it was unrealistic.
I think that it doesn't matter if the place I start the year off in is physical, or emotional. As long as I am happy, I think the place I live doesn't matter as much as my center of happiness...my very being.

I realized over the last few months that blogging makes me very happy, so does running, and my family, friends, and making an effort to make myself happy.

I will start officially writing my book January 1, 2010.

I don't need to be in a far off setting to be an author, I can find my raw materials right here. I love being able to wake up and watch Food Network with my mom. I love being able to go to a club downtown and know half the people there. (Secretly it makes me feel important.) I love school, as much as I hate paying for it. And I love the serenity of knowing that no matter what happens, at the end of the day I have a home to go to...or actually two homes. I am extremely lucky and very blessed to have as many people love me that I do.

Sure, we have problems, but what family doesn't?
I will tell you...boring ones. And we are FAR from boring.

I guess what I am trying to say is that the journey to happiness is not a road that is paved, or one that lacks it's potholes. But it's an adventure you are supposed to take because you are the ONLY one who gets to live your life. No one else. Your life was given to you for a reason: You are the sole person fit to live it to the fullest.

I told you my body was running behind on the whole "getting into the holiday mood". I just admitted what I am thankful for, so that means my body is in Thanksgiving mode. By the time New Years rolls around I should be singing Christmas carols, and hopefully by Valentine's Day I will be all ready for this new year.

(2010: The Year of Jessica, a couple posts back)

Scratch That.

WE ARE OFF AT FOUR!!
Usually off at five, so only one hour.
But hey...I'm not complaining :)

It is snowing. I am heading home in 30 minutes to take pictures of the legendary snow flurries of Southeast Texas.

Update later!!

Unforseeable Forcast.

I'm pretty much fed up with selfish people.

It is snowing for the first time this year. The ONLY time this year.

It snowed once last year, and before that it had been 19 YEARS since snow has stuck to the ground in good ol' Blowmont, TX.

Does my boss care that my whole family has either left work/school to go home and enjoy this miracle?
NO.

Does he care that it will probably happen once more in my lifetime?
NO.

Is he here, on a Friday, boxed up in this stuffy office?
HELL NO.

But I am here, wanting him to jump with both feet into the Christmas spirit.
Not being a grinch, NOT BEING SELFISH!!

Even if I was off, I would still only go curl up in bed, but hey...that's my perrogative.

TABASCO.

So I guess it's official. I am moving.
I am sick of talking about it, so I am just going to do it.

However, I would appreciate someone's insight on how to break this to my dad and step-mom. They are going to be the hardest ones to convince that I am not being stupid.

The day is set. Thursday, January 28th is when I will be "shipping out" and driving cross country. That will put me in NY probably in the late afternoon of Friday, January 30th.

My resolution to start a new year in a new place is only postponed by one month...and I am very very pleased with myself. I can't believe I am actually doing this. Although, this would NEVER be possible without the TREMENDOUS help from an INCREDIBLE FRIEND!!

LOVE Heather!!
http://thenheathersaid.blogspot.com

I am extremely lucky/blessed/surprised.
Sad endings really do bring happy beginnings.

I thought that when I broke off my wedding I would break down.
-It just made me stronger.

I thought when I let someone that I love/loved in again I would fall apart if he rejected me.
-It happened. It hurt, bad. But it made me wiser.

I thought if I was ever offered this kind of opportunity, I would be too afraid to JUMP!
-Boy, was I wrong.

[Yes, that is one for the history books. I admitted I was wrong.]

I am literally living life to the fullest. Before today, I really never knew what it meant to just open my wings and fly. I know it sounds corny, but I feel just like a bird about to take off.

The world is my oyster and I have a BIG bottle of Tabasco**.

(**DISCLAIMER: For those of you not from the south, Tabasco is delicious concoction of spiciness.)

Air & You.

High tide is coming in,
The walls are beginning to crumble.
Fighting to get to the surface
Is an unlikely sort of struggle.

It shouldn't be this hard
To pursue something so right.
All I want is air, and you.
Please lift me up tonight.

It is hard to comprehend
That everything is falling down.
Somehow, I am still here
Helplessly screaming-
But you don't hear a sound.

It's getting darker now.
The crashing waves are devouring my being
But I keep swimming, paddling
Striving to fight my way to the surface.

All I need is air, and you
That is all I need.
You would make this life
Feel so much more complete.

But for now I am sitting here
Surrounded by this storm,
Destined to fend for myself
Riding out this hell...alone.

New Recipe Wednesday.

So, if you keep up, you know there are lots of things going on in my life. However you only know what I tell you...so I am here to fill you in a bit on what I have neglected to tell you thus far.

-You know, hopefully that I live in Texas.

-I also, if everything goes according to plan, will be moving to NY in January.

-I have a job, where I Facebook and Blogger all day and somehow still meet my quota...so that's awesome.

-Here is something you may not have known though:

I LOVE TO COOK/BAKE/BROIL/GRILL and D ALL THE ABOVE!!

I am not so much in the Christmas spirit due to all of the heartbroken-ness I have experienced since the month of August (two heartbreaks in 3 1/2 months will pretty much kill any jolliness).

But in order to force myself to enjoy the holidays, I ventured out into something I have never done before. I have decided to find the best Christmas cookie.

[[ Background ]]

It's a bit of tradition that my mother and I have cooked up that on Saturday mornings when I wake up, I get my cup of coffee (that has been Christmasy lately, mmm peppermint mocha) and I crawl into bed with her. We sit and watch Food Network and our favorite Saturday morning chef line-up. Down Home With The Neely's has gotten to be my FAV!! But anyway, we started collectively putting together a list of our favorite cookie and holiday treat recipes, and then we look them up online, visit the grocery store, and come home to make them.

From now on Wednesday is going to be New Recipe Wednesday.

This month it will be cookies and Christmas things most likely.

Today it will be my GINGERBREAD COOKIES!!

Ingredients

Gingerbread cookies:

1 package sugar cookie mix
1 egg
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 cup melted butter
2 tablespoons pumpkin pie spice
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 cup dark molasses
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Royal Icing

2 large egg whites or 5 tablespoons meringue powder
2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice or 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3 cups confectioners' sugar, sifted
Food coloring, if desired
For Gingerbread Cookies:

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
In a large mixing bowl, blend all ingredients together and chill for up to 1 hour. Roll dough out on floured board about 1/8-inch thick. Cut desired shapes with cookie cutters and place onto sheet pan. Bake for 8 minutes in preheated oven.

For Royal Icing:

With a hand mixer, beat the egg whites with the lemon juice or extract until frothy. Add the sifted powdered sugar and beat on low speed until combined, smooth, and shiny. Turn to high and beat approximately 5 minutes till stiff and glossy. Add food coloring, if desired, and transfer to a pasty bag to pipe onto cookies.

A thank you goes out to Sandra Lee from Semi-Homeade Cooking.

To My Bloggie Secret Santa.

So, I received my email today for my Bloggie Secret Santa. And let me just say, I am so pumped!!

The girl I got is so wonderful. I have been catching up on her blog and it has just been so fascinating. I was hoping and wishing that whoever I got would be from a totally different area and be someone who is not like me at all.

Wishes do come true.

When Bloggie Secret Santa's are allowed to be revealed I am going to do a feature on her I think, if she will let me.

Anyway, after reviewing her latest post, I saw that she gave some ideas for her BSS gift, and I think I should drop some hints for my girl/guy just in case they are drawing a blank like me.

About me:

I LOVE to write, in case you couldn't tell.
I love poetry and things of that nature.
To me, keepsakes are just the bee's knees. :)
I am not crazy about organics. I like to eat healthy but I do enjoy the occasional fast food.
I live in a small town and hope to move to the big city one day soon.
My family and close friends are my life.
I am twenty years old. A fact that I have never revealed to the blogging world.
Anything else? Just shoot me an email. I won't tell.
<3

2010 And All It Entails.

2010: The Year of Jessica.


I have decided to put the wheels in motion and move toward a change.

I talked heavily about moving to New York a month or two ago, and now my dream is becoming a reality.

Thanks to one of my near and dear friends, this dream is moving closer and closer to reality. Heather is her name and she is beyond great. You should read of her adventures and check out what she will say next at:
http://thenheathersaid.blogspot.com

Everything is crazy right now, but I love this beautiful mess. I am bouncing around topics because I tend to get more ADD when I stress. My stomach is just in knots because I want to know that I am taking this leap for the right reasons.

Five questions only I can answer:
1. Am I doing this just to get out of this town?
2. Can I really do this? (Which was coincidentally answered in the previous blog)
3. Physically, am I up for this?
4. Will I be able to handle all of this change without falling flat on my face?

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION OF ALL:
5. Am I fulfilling my dreams, making myself happy, and doing what I ALONE want to do, without any outside influences?

While I am not 100% sure of the answers to the first four questions, I know for certain that the last question rings in a riveting answer of HELL YEAH!!

In case you were curious...
Answer Key:
1. Maybe.
2. Yes.
3. Probably.
4. I won't know unless I try.

Something that I haven't even shared with some of my closest friends and family is the seriousness of my wanting to move to The Big Apple. [See ____ you were wrong, I can too keep a secret.] I hope all of my close loved ones just read this, some without even letting me know, just so that this breaks the ice. I want this to be as easy and pain free as possible. I know not everyone will support me, but I'm not doing this for everyone.

I am doing this for me.

This is real and I am me. I am exactly who and where I am supposed to be for now. My destiny is mine to decide, and mine alone. I don't need your approval or your condonence. You know who you are, if you even read this. I have my own approval and that is all that matters to me now.

I LOVE this new sensational feeling of confidence mixed with a little cockiness and sprinkled with a touch of sass. It's definitely something worth writing home about. :)

Snowball Effect.

I'm sitting here, in my bed. I am awake and it's 12:18 AM.
I have to be at work in less than 8 hours.
I am tired, but not sleepy. I cannot stop thinking.

My mind is like a small snowball at the top of a mountain.
Everything starts off small, but as the thought starts to tumble through other thoughts, down the hill and around the corner, it ends up being this great big jumble of thoughts that I am thinking. Never ending thoughts. I just want a little peace.

So for those of you who read this blog, I might as well fill you in.

I did go on my trip.
I went for a two hour car ride, to hop onto a combined six hour plane ride, to hop back into another car and go for another two hours just to face my worst fear thus far in my life. I have never been able to love with my whole heart. I gave a piece of it, no matter how small or large the piece was, to someone when I was young and stupid. And I was ready to either give the rest of it or get that piece back.

(I somehow fell really in love with a boy who over the last three years has morphed into a man. A wonderful man who is the exact same deep down, just a little rougher. Thank you U.S. Army and life experiences. We were friends first, even though from the first time I saw him in high school I had the biggest crush on him. He was a year older, a football player, and dated one of the prettiest girls in school...but back to the point. My senior year he and I started dating, but only a month before he left for the Army. I was manipulated into thinking I could not handle that kind of pressure, so I sent him a letter full of lies, explaining that I did not love him like I thought I did. He came home eventually and I so badly wanted him, but again, stupid me just thought I was doing him a favor by not giving him any strings that would tie him back to his God awful hometown. We stayed friends through each others relationships, break ups, and drunken nights. The whole time, then and now, I still get butterflies each time he calls or texts. I guess I held on this long because I never got closure. I really don't have a reason to have held on. He had moved on. I seemed like I had. We were growing up, apart.)

Back to my trip...After this day long transportation, I got to spend the evening with someone I would have walked all of those miles for. My heart goes out to him and he had no idea.

KEYWORD: HAD

See, after traveling, and rekindling over small talk on the ride back to base from the airport, we had a wonderful night. It was probably the most fun I have ever had. I think it was because of all the built up anticipation. Anyway, I believed, in my narrow mind, that if he could just see me again. If we could have that night that maybe, somewhere deep down, he would rediscover what he used to feel, and feel it again.

I was wrong.

Not only does he not feel the same way about me, he hasn't for quite some time. He has gotten past it. He doesn't have the feelings. He doesn't care the way I would like him to. However, he does care in the greatest friend-way possible. After our first long day of packing then driving, we stop to get some sleep and after some good company, bad TV and yummy pizza, somehow he knew that I felt for him the way I did. I don't know, but it seemed obvious enough to him that you would have thought I had it written on my forehead. He asked, and I coyly denied it for a little while, but then when I realized I frustrated him, I gave in. I spilled my guts. I let it ALL out. Stupid, stupid girl.

He welcomed my explanation, combatted my reasonings for us being together, and then convinced me why it would be such an atrocious idea. He said we are friends, close friends. He cares about me. He shows he cares by not letting me get close to him. He said that if I got close, I would only get hurt and he doesn't want to hurt me. I know he is right, but I can't help but cry.

Even though it's dark, he again just knows. We know each other all too well.

I cry, and even though it hurts to admit it, that conversation brought me the most unsettling kind of closure. But still I cry. I feel that it was my fault we never made it where we should have. I wish I could go back and just see how it might be now if things were different then. If I hadn't ruined everything. This is possibly the hardest thing I have ever come to terms with in my life. It's even harder than someone close to me dying, because in a way part of me has.

I will never get that back. Ever. No questions asked. I screwed it up years ago, and he built a wall that not even he can or wants to find a way through to get back to me.

He said if it's one thing he has learned in his relationship experience, it's never to give second chances. I hate that bitch for teaching him that. Just because she doesn't deserve one doesn't mean I should be grouped in with her.

That is just the young, bitter side of me voicing opinions.

If it's one thing that I have learned from him and all of this, I can really do anything. I need to take care of myself because no one else will. I need to make sure my wall stays up until someone who really pushes hard enough may break it down. I know now that getting over someone is a necessary evil. And even though it's hard as hell, I can do it. I have pretty much done the majority of it already. It was just that final closure part.

And that was the smart, mature side.

I love that he is my friend, and a very good friend at that. And even though we are just friends, I wouldn't trade or change anything that has happened up until now. It was a learning experience. One that is still teaching me and will continue to teach me until I have mastered the art of the games we, as adults and members of a functioning society, play.

I guess this is just the wheel of the world, the way the snow rolls on down the hill.
I'm just going to have to "Put my boots on and get over it."

Fictional Characters And Showtunes.

"I'm leaving, on a jet plane.
I don't know when I'll be back again."

I feel like my soul has been overtaken by show tunes. I can't help but quote this song, and many other ridiculously recognizable songs from yesteryear.

I spent last night watching Friends. I am ever so dedicated to that show. It rocks my world in ways that no man on this earth will ever be able to. My family asks me how I can watch the same season or episode repeatedly, and I honestly don't know how to explain it. There are things that Joey, Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Monica do that just bring me to a place of temporary solace. Happiness that has never been brought on by anyone but fictional characters.

I guess life is supposed to be complicated enough to keep us interested long enough to live our lives.

I just wish mine could be a little less hectic.
I used to love with my whole heart, but it's hard to do that now since it's in pieces.

I'm leaving to go see someone tomorrow. Someone who I always thought I should be with but the timing was never right. It hurts because I know the timing is off, yet again, but I can't help it. I am putting myself out there, one more time. He is the one person I can't tell no. The one person who is my weakness.

I hate having weaknesses.
It shows my mortal side.
I hate having a mortal side.

Asylum.

I have a headache from the stress
I won't get any rest unless I get away
I need a break from this place
A temporary asylum with padded walls

Taking things day by day really isn't my style
Being patient usually isn't worth the while
Insomnia approaches me, takes me under
And I cant sleep

My Second Song. [Fall]

The leaves are turning brown
It's getting to be fall now
This time of year always reminds me
Of how you aren't here

The holidays are here again
All the gatherings of family and friends
No one knows why I am off in my corner
Mad that you aren't here
------------------------------------------
Chorus:
Because I'm good at hiding my feelings
I pride myself in not letting anyone in
The walls that I put up
I thought wouldn't ever come down
But you showed me how to fall hard
Yeah, you showed me how to break
------------------------------------------
It never fails to amaze me
You're selfishness astounds me
You don't even know that it kills me
To be around everyone now

Because everything is a mess
And I won't be fine unless
We go back to last year
Back when you were with me, here
-----------------------------------------
Chorus:
'Cause I'm great at hiding my feelings
I pride myself in not letting anyone in
The walls that I put up
I thought wouldn't ever come down
But you showed me how to fall hard
Yeah, you showed me how to break
-----------------------------------------
Everything's changing
It's cold now and raining
All I want is you next to me
Here, right now
-----------------------------------------
Chorus:
Yeah, Because I'm good at hiding my feelings
I pride myself in not letting anyone in
The walls I put up
I thought would never come down
But now everything's a mess
And I would expect nothing less
Than you showing me how to break
-----------------------------------------
How to be broken
I fell so hard somehow
I'm so broken now

My First Song. [Just Who I Thought You Were]

I eat ice cream when it's cold out
I don't know why, but I'm always loud
Sleeping doesn't come easily
And nothing ever makes sense to me

I over-analyze everything
And speak critically of anything
I have some self esteem
I don't know why
-------------------------------------
Chorus:
Because I give the very best up
I long for nothing but love
I want the things in life
That everyone wants

I need understanding
Just appreciative caring
And if this blows your mind, then
You are just who I thought you were
-------------------------------------
Every time I try to
Learn to be better, I fall so
Hard I don't know why
Your approval means so much

You are just another person
A plain human being
Living, breathing
Heart beating just like me
-------------------------------------
Chorus:
But I give the very best up
I long for nothing but love
I want the things in life
That everyone wants

I need understanding
Some appreciative caring
And if it blows your mind, then
You are just who I thought you were
-------------------------------------
There's no need for fighting
No use in arguing
Just leave me here waiting
Again and again
Just wait, because one day
I won't be here

Once you're ready, I'll be
-------------------------------------
Chorus:
Giving the very best up
Having nothing but love
Wanting for nothing in life

I found some who is understanding
Gives appreciative caring
And if it blows your mind, then
You are just who I thought you were
-------------------------------------
The same person I thought you were
The simple human I knew you were

"The Dogs" Dream.

I had the craziest two dreams last night.

The latter of the two is not nearly as interesting, so I will start with it.

My Dad and Step-Mom (who are married and have two children together) got married.
It was a small ceremony. Only him, her, her sister, my younger brothers and sister, me, and two of their friends (who are also married). The wedding took place in our driveway, under our basketball goal. After he pronounced them husband and wife everyone got out of their folding chairs and threw petals through the hoop. Then we all went into our backyard, which in my dream was the beach, and had a bar-b-que.

The first one was way fascinating.
It involved me as the main character, unlike the other dream, and I was in school...beauty school. However, my beauty school class was in my old high school. We had some kind of fire drill which forced everyone to leave in a hurry, and I hauled ass for the parking lot. I was leaving school, cutting class...pretty much being a daredevil.

Well while I was rushing off I saw some cops going after the other students attempting to cut class, so I steered off into an abandoned building. Apparently, the walk from the school to the parking lot was forever long. Well, while I was off in this building, hiding from the cops and the crazed people who were leaving the non-buring semi-high school, I hear above me (yes above me) on a concrete slab some guys.

I walk up there, and they get mad. "The Dogs" are self proclaimed ruffians, who consequently had pulled the fire alarm to get the afternoon off. They were definitely not in beauty school, so I guess there were other sorts of classes there. The leader of them took me and beat the crap out of me. Then embarrassed me, though I don't remember how.

He felt bad, so then he liked me. He left his friends for me. He appreciated me, and as time lapsed in my dream, I fell in love with this familiar fictional man. Then he betrayed me.

He lured me into the same room as the beginning of the dream, where he told me to close my eyes, so I did. And I am not sure how I hurt this group of people, but somehow I did and they hated me for it. I was hanging out in their spot, with their leader. And just as I started to peek, I saw him change back into exactly who he was in the beginning of the dream.

I ran to the top of the building, he came after me. I defended myself by pushing him. He fell, and died.

Needless to say his followers were not too happy with this, considering they walked in just as it happened and saw the end of the whole ordeal. So they came after me since him liking me and giving up his friends was some form of cruel joke.

And they are walking towards me, in a hoard...And I wake up.

What does this mean?!!

Therapeutic Tuesday.

I want to know why I get frustrated, with everyone but you.
I want to know what makes your eyes so blue.
I want to know how I find another love this true.
I wish I could know if you are feeling this too.

Just trying out a little of therapeutic poetry.
If I get good responses I will continue.
(You can respond on my facebook as well.)

Laugh More, Stress Less.

It has been ten days since my last post. Ten days! I feel like I have not only neglected the blogging world, but I have cheated on myself. (Even though I am at work usually when I post, I really view this as my "alone time".)

So much has happened in the last week and a half. So much has been realized.

This path to self-discovery I embarked on a few months ago has taught me a few things:

1. The heart wants what it wants, there is no changing that.
2. It is OKAY to not be a size 4.
3. I truly believe the #2 statement.
4. Making my number one priority putting myself first has made my life so much better.
5. Money does not grow on trees, and if you need help, asking for it doesn't make you weak.
6. Family should be a very close second to the most important thing in your life, yourself.
7. If I don't like myself/can't make myself happy/don't think I am pretty, how in the world should I expect anyone else to?

As selfish as the above statements may sound, I really don't care. I know that sounds bad , and I may sound like a lesser person for it, but I have spent so much of my life trying to be a "people-pleaser" that I wasn't a "me-pleaser".

I am the most vital person in my life because without me, my life wouldn't exsist.

Things in my life aren't going according to "a plan" anymore. My whole semi-adult life I have bounced around this plan, stressed when it didn't work out, and then stressed some more when I had to revamp "the plan". No more. I am a self-establishing "go-with-the-flow" person.

No more "people-pleasing".
No more stressing unneccessarily.
No more trying to force the heart to want what it just can't.
No more telling my damn heart "No"...it really just makes it want what it wants even more.
No more living for anyone but myself.

I know it's a little premature, but one of my New Year's resolutions:
LAUGH MORE, STRESS LESS.

Ok...and go, it's time.