"Oh, the weather outside is frightful." The dreary atmosphere of my small town cannot help but remind me of the inner workings of a Poe short story. The ghastly clouds and roaring winds are just perfect for the setting of today's topic.
Forward:
This is not a written pity party. I actually feel this way. I believe every word. I am not fishing for sympathy or empathy. I am simply stating facts.
I used to be obsessed with love, being in a relationship, and what not. Since I was 16, and allowed to date, I have not been single for longer than a month. My step dad used to tell me if a guy liked me, I would give him a chance. Secretly hinting at the fact that I had low self esteem and in turn must be desperate for love, affection, acceptance, etc.
I have realized in the last few days that that isn't good for me or anyone that I cross paths with that may or may not take an interest in me. I can't resist attention. I like it. Everyone likes it. It's human nature. But I don't want to hurt anyone else that may house potential feelings for me.
Therefore I am making this proclamation. I will not again, (any time soon, because I never say never) tell ANYONE that I love them, unless I already have in the past. I can't fall in love again. Not only for my sake, but for the sake of my potential victim.
I seem to do nothing constructive in relationships. I hurt people, and that's all I seem to be good for.
My friend imparted some valuable wisdom upon me this morning:
"If you always hurt the people close to you, you will never be happy."
My reply:
"Obviously."
But even though I may not be happy, I do feel a little better knowing I won't make anyone elses life miserable. I am an optimist turned cynic.
I really want someone to brave this, a strong knight in shining armor to ride up and prove me wrong. I dare him.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Crossing Off Four.
So, I figured today I would use my blog to catch up on my 25 in 365 list.
I am able to cross off four items.
8. Buy a one-way ticket somewhere
So this was accomplished by me going to see my Army man-friend. I will be flying there and then driving back with him so he does not have to drive it alone. We are making a road trip out of it, which leads me to my next item to cross off.
11. Take a road trip
I have already taken a road trip once this month, so that I may cross it off my list. A good guy friend of mine and I went down to Corpus Christi, and drove back but not before detouring to San Antonio. It was great fun. This upcoming road trip, however, will be much longer and spanning over about six states and three days. I CAN NOT WAIT!!
15. Go in Target, and spend nothing
I figured that this, by far, would be the hardest thing for me to accomplish on my list. Well, aside from the infamous #25 (Keep myself from falling too hard for anyone). But it really wasn't. I didn't plan on not spending money. I went in to look. Found a few shirts I liked. But when I went to check out, I put them back. That is some strong will power, let me just tell you.
21. Go camping
And this one, well I half way did it. I realized that this was stupid to put on my list because I will never actually sleep outside. I did go to a campsite with some friends. We made hot dogs with zig zaggy mustard, s'mores, and took lots of pictures. But when it got to be about 2 a.m. I was exhausted and cranky. I did not want to sleep in a damp tent/truck bed. But this is as close as I am going to get to completing this so, I am crossing it off of my list.
On a way more excited note, I can't wait for this weekend. Get ready for a lengthy recap on Monday morning!!
I am able to cross off four items.
8. Buy a one-way ticket somewhere
So this was accomplished by me going to see my Army man-friend. I will be flying there and then driving back with him so he does not have to drive it alone. We are making a road trip out of it, which leads me to my next item to cross off.
11. Take a road trip
I have already taken a road trip once this month, so that I may cross it off my list. A good guy friend of mine and I went down to Corpus Christi, and drove back but not before detouring to San Antonio. It was great fun. This upcoming road trip, however, will be much longer and spanning over about six states and three days. I CAN NOT WAIT!!
15. Go in Target, and spend nothing
I figured that this, by far, would be the hardest thing for me to accomplish on my list. Well, aside from the infamous #25 (Keep myself from falling too hard for anyone). But it really wasn't. I didn't plan on not spending money. I went in to look. Found a few shirts I liked. But when I went to check out, I put them back. That is some strong will power, let me just tell you.
21. Go camping
And this one, well I half way did it. I realized that this was stupid to put on my list because I will never actually sleep outside. I did go to a campsite with some friends. We made hot dogs with zig zaggy mustard, s'mores, and took lots of pictures. But when it got to be about 2 a.m. I was exhausted and cranky. I did not want to sleep in a damp tent/truck bed. But this is as close as I am going to get to completing this so, I am crossing it off of my list.
On a way more excited note, I can't wait for this weekend. Get ready for a lengthy recap on Monday morning!!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
New Job & Much Much More.
So, I am working at Allstate because, back when I was job hunting, I was in search of a career that would carry me through my married life.
Well there is no more married life, and definitely no need for a serious career right now...especially when there are so many wonderful things I want to do.
I put in my application at this new chic, up and coming bar/grill/steakhouse and had an interview today. I got the job!
I was nervous about giving my two weeks notice, especially since Mary just left two weeks ago and he has still yet to fill her position. Her's was more tidious, but it's whatever. That's neither here nor there. Lola and I had lunch a few days ago, and I swung by just to pick up and application. Well, that turned into turning in the application, which led to an interview, that turned into a job!
I am so excited because it is much more laid back than this high stress situation I have found myself in. The only downside was breaking the news to my great boss. He, coincidentally, called me into his office for a raise. He knew I was leaving though, he could tell on my face. That, and because I had been talking about it off and on since the ex and I split.
I told him:
"I want to travel. If I stay here I will only stay here and that's not what I want. I need to figure out my life. And when I go back to school in the spring I need a less high profile job. School needs to come first."
(I knew that last sentence would bag and tag my double-bachelor degree earning boss.)
He said:
"I understand. You are a great employee. If you decide in 6 months or whatever that you haven't accomplished what you wanted to, come see me. I would rehire you on the spot. You are one of the best employees I have ever had. You are driven and obsessive compulsive and can multi-task. And that is very important to me."
Today could not have taken a turn for the better in any greater possible way.
So now I am:
-NC -Thanksgiving week
-TN -Christmas time/ish (hopefully)
-NY -whenever NJ has a 5k suitable for me and Heather :)
Yay for following through with my life.
School in the spring.
Trips planned galore.
My life is getting on track.
Need I ask for more?
Yes, I know that rhymed.
Well there is no more married life, and definitely no need for a serious career right now...especially when there are so many wonderful things I want to do.
I put in my application at this new chic, up and coming bar/grill/steakhouse and had an interview today. I got the job!
I was nervous about giving my two weeks notice, especially since Mary just left two weeks ago and he has still yet to fill her position. Her's was more tidious, but it's whatever. That's neither here nor there. Lola and I had lunch a few days ago, and I swung by just to pick up and application. Well, that turned into turning in the application, which led to an interview, that turned into a job!
I am so excited because it is much more laid back than this high stress situation I have found myself in. The only downside was breaking the news to my great boss. He, coincidentally, called me into his office for a raise. He knew I was leaving though, he could tell on my face. That, and because I had been talking about it off and on since the ex and I split.
I told him:
"I want to travel. If I stay here I will only stay here and that's not what I want. I need to figure out my life. And when I go back to school in the spring I need a less high profile job. School needs to come first."
(I knew that last sentence would bag and tag my double-bachelor degree earning boss.)
He said:
"I understand. You are a great employee. If you decide in 6 months or whatever that you haven't accomplished what you wanted to, come see me. I would rehire you on the spot. You are one of the best employees I have ever had. You are driven and obsessive compulsive and can multi-task. And that is very important to me."
Today could not have taken a turn for the better in any greater possible way.
So now I am:
-NC -Thanksgiving week
-TN -Christmas time/ish (hopefully)
-NY -whenever NJ has a 5k suitable for me and Heather :)
Yay for following through with my life.
School in the spring.
Trips planned galore.
My life is getting on track.
Need I ask for more?
Yes, I know that rhymed.
Pitter Patter Goes The Rain.
Okay, so it is raining cats and dogs on top of my questionable office building. Everytime the water pours harder it seems to make this establishment shift a tad to the left, or right. Like I said, which ever way the water feels like pouring.
Today I am a little frustrated. Yesterday, while sitting in line at the bank I thought of the most amazing topic to cover that would probably retrieve close to one hundred comments, in turn would catch the eye of some big writer executive somewhere, and thus forth would launch my career. But thank you ADD brain for allowing me to be distracted, and now I am back to square one.
No awesome blog.
No future writing career set in stone.
Not even the satisfaction of "Hey, I remembered that!"
Oh well, the pitter patter of the rain just keeps egging me on to push myself in the direction of a great story. Now I just have to sit in one place, and focus on one thing long enough so that maybe, just maybe, I can be great one day. I want greatness. I want everything. Everything and greatness. Is that too much to ask?
"I seem to want everything too much." -Rachel, from Glee's episode last night
By the way, I love Glee. It's kind of dorky, and that's ok for me. It makes me feel better about my life. I do believe that if I went to high school there I could have gotten a slushie facial pretty much daily. But that's beside the point.
My best friend (one of two, next to my seasonal friend from a few posts back) wrote something today on her Facebook, and I think it is definitely mention-worthy. We will just call her Lola, because that used to be her nickname anyway.
"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."
Now, I am not sure if she wrote this, but it sure made me think.
I don't want to admit that I have no courage, but I like the shore. I think that the shore is awesome, and that if it got me this far, it should stay in my sights. But I want to cross the ocean.
I am torn.
Ocean crossing possibilities? Yes.
Shore sight losing? Hmmm, maybe.
Courage? Not so much.
I don't even have the courage to act on what I know I want, and have wanted, for the last 3-4 years of my life. Everything has revolved around this, and the funny thing is, not even my closest, best friends know.
Reverting back to yesterday. The heart wants what it wants. The mind is what makes it confusing. Gosh I hate my mind right now.
Too bad the one person I want to read this the most, won't.
And the rain. Damn that pitter patter.
Today I am a little frustrated. Yesterday, while sitting in line at the bank I thought of the most amazing topic to cover that would probably retrieve close to one hundred comments, in turn would catch the eye of some big writer executive somewhere, and thus forth would launch my career. But thank you ADD brain for allowing me to be distracted, and now I am back to square one.
No awesome blog.
No future writing career set in stone.
Not even the satisfaction of "Hey, I remembered that!"
Oh well, the pitter patter of the rain just keeps egging me on to push myself in the direction of a great story. Now I just have to sit in one place, and focus on one thing long enough so that maybe, just maybe, I can be great one day. I want greatness. I want everything. Everything and greatness. Is that too much to ask?
"I seem to want everything too much." -Rachel, from Glee's episode last night
By the way, I love Glee. It's kind of dorky, and that's ok for me. It makes me feel better about my life. I do believe that if I went to high school there I could have gotten a slushie facial pretty much daily. But that's beside the point.
My best friend (one of two, next to my seasonal friend from a few posts back) wrote something today on her Facebook, and I think it is definitely mention-worthy. We will just call her Lola, because that used to be her nickname anyway.
"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."
Now, I am not sure if she wrote this, but it sure made me think.
I don't want to admit that I have no courage, but I like the shore. I think that the shore is awesome, and that if it got me this far, it should stay in my sights. But I want to cross the ocean.
I am torn.
Ocean crossing possibilities? Yes.
Shore sight losing? Hmmm, maybe.
Courage? Not so much.
I don't even have the courage to act on what I know I want, and have wanted, for the last 3-4 years of my life. Everything has revolved around this, and the funny thing is, not even my closest, best friends know.
Reverting back to yesterday. The heart wants what it wants. The mind is what makes it confusing. Gosh I hate my mind right now.
Too bad the one person I want to read this the most, won't.
And the rain. Damn that pitter patter.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
My Sister Is A Genius.
My sister is a genius.
This sister has not been a sister of mine for my whole life. Well, technically she has I just didn't find her until I needed her. She is an amazing girl, fellow writer, and one of the most well-rounded people I know.
Her quote on her Facebook status this morning said:
"The heart is always right-- if there's a question of choosing between the mind and the heart-- because mind is a creation of the society. It has been educated. You have been given it by the society, not by existence. The heart is unpolluted."-Osho
I replied:
"I have a question though...My heart always wants what it can't seem to get. Why is that? :( "
So, she says:
"nope, that's your mind thinking you can't get it.. your heart says you can :) "
This sister has not been a sister of mine for my whole life. Well, technically she has I just didn't find her until I needed her. She is an amazing girl, fellow writer, and one of the most well-rounded people I know.
Her quote on her Facebook status this morning said:
"The heart is always right-- if there's a question of choosing between the mind and the heart-- because mind is a creation of the society. It has been educated. You have been given it by the society, not by existence. The heart is unpolluted."-Osho
I replied:
"I have a question though...My heart always wants what it can't seem to get. Why is that? :( "
So, she says:
"nope, that's your mind thinking you can't get it.. your heart says you can :) "
Lately, it has been a struggle to see exactly what I want.
After my unengagement, my life's goals became much more clear. Here lately, I seem to allow things and people cloud the air in my mind's atmosphere.
My goals post-non wedding:
-Start running
-Take better care of myself
-Get all of my financial things in order
-Figure out what I want to do with my life.
That last one has been my heavy struggle. I can't seem to figure out what I want out of life. I know that I am destined for greatness in one way or another, but which way?
Just food for thought. Yummy food!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Focus, Or Lack Thereof.
I am dedicated today.
Today, I am working. I am doing my best to refrain from all that is not considered work.
Obviously I am lacking the most important ingredient of refrain, will power.
Oh well, besides this, twittering, facebooking, and streaming audio from my favorite artists on my desktop, I am totally and completely...100% focused.
--Oh look a squirrel.
They should not have put me next to the huge window at work today. It is just way too beautiful outside. How will I ever get ANYTHING done?
I just realized that I am pretty much obsessed with my new routine.
I LOVE love LOVE organization.
7:20- Wake up
7:30- Leave for work (yes, I only take 10 minutes to get ready)
8:00-12:00 Work
12:00-1:00- Lunch break
1:00-5:00- Work
5:30-6:30- Run/walk
6:30-6:45- Shower, figure out dinner
6:45-? - Eat, and then whatever
10:30ish- Bedtime!
Yesterday I ran/walked, but mostly ran for the better part of TWO miles! And for all you athletic divas out there eating your healthy food, running marathons, and being awesome...well I'm not there yet, but I plan to be by next summer. I decided it's pointless to try and diet, but the more and more I thought about it, I do need a stress relief.
Facts:
I want a stress relief.
I love my iPod.
I immensely enjoy time alone.
I want to get healthier.
I live on a nearly secluded street.
LIGHT BULB!
Hey, maybe I should run!! So I started last week. I ran every other day last week, a total of twice because I ran on Tuesday (and again on Thursday). This week I am pushing for every day. I am so excited. And the weather is just perfectly perfect for it. Crisp, cool, football season with miniature child teams practicing in the open field on my run way.
Hey run way...runway. It's like I'm a model. Haha, anywho..I should probably get focused.
Ok, back to work.
Ooooh. And speaking of an inability to focus, I am so very excited about my trip to good ol' NC coming up in November. I am thinking of planning a trip to TN sometime in late December.
Yay for fun trips. I just love to travel, especially when there is a promise of a good friend at the end of the road.
Today, I am working. I am doing my best to refrain from all that is not considered work.
Obviously I am lacking the most important ingredient of refrain, will power.
Oh well, besides this, twittering, facebooking, and streaming audio from my favorite artists on my desktop, I am totally and completely...100% focused.
--Oh look a squirrel.
They should not have put me next to the huge window at work today. It is just way too beautiful outside. How will I ever get ANYTHING done?
I just realized that I am pretty much obsessed with my new routine.
I LOVE love LOVE organization.
7:20- Wake up
7:30- Leave for work (yes, I only take 10 minutes to get ready)
8:00-12:00 Work
12:00-1:00- Lunch break
1:00-5:00- Work
5:30-6:30- Run/walk
6:30-6:45- Shower, figure out dinner
6:45-? - Eat, and then whatever
10:30ish- Bedtime!
Yesterday I ran/walked, but mostly ran for the better part of TWO miles! And for all you athletic divas out there eating your healthy food, running marathons, and being awesome...well I'm not there yet, but I plan to be by next summer. I decided it's pointless to try and diet, but the more and more I thought about it, I do need a stress relief.
Facts:
I want a stress relief.
I love my iPod.
I immensely enjoy time alone.
I want to get healthier.
I live on a nearly secluded street.
LIGHT BULB!
Hey, maybe I should run!! So I started last week. I ran every other day last week, a total of twice because I ran on Tuesday (and again on Thursday). This week I am pushing for every day. I am so excited. And the weather is just perfectly perfect for it. Crisp, cool, football season with miniature child teams practicing in the open field on my run way.
Hey run way...runway. It's like I'm a model. Haha, anywho..I should probably get focused.
Ok, back to work.
Ooooh. And speaking of an inability to focus, I am so very excited about my trip to good ol' NC coming up in November. I am thinking of planning a trip to TN sometime in late December.
Yay for fun trips. I just love to travel, especially when there is a promise of a good friend at the end of the road.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Weekend Recap.
So this weekend, while it was eventful, wasn't necessarily the weekend I had planned out.
Friday night - I got my nights mixed up, so instead of attending a friend of mine's 21st birthday party, I went out with another group of friends to a bar to celebrate my friend's husband's 23rd birthday.
--We still had a blast but I am pretty sad I missed that animal print drinking bash.
Saturday day- I cleaned all the live long day. I went through box after box. Unpacking and hanging up things. I actually got to the point where I wanted to hang something on the wall so badly, but found myself without a hammer, I used the end of a hairbrush! That's good girl innovation if there ever was any.
Saturday night - I went to eat sushi with a close friend and his brother and sister. We ate quite a bit...well one of us did. After, his brother thought it would be a good idea to go walk around the mall. And it was. We went from store to store looking at all kinds of things. I even tried something at this Asian drink shop, "Cha Cha Teahouse", called Watermelon Juice. And generally, I do not go anywhere near anything with Watermelon in the flavoring title, or Grape, but this was amazing. It was made with actual watermelons and it was fabulous. I tried his sister's Watermelon Juice, but I was stubborn, prior to tasting it, and stuck with my Mocha Slushie with Tapioca..which was also quite delicioso.
Later Saturday night - We dropped the siblings off at his house and went to enjoy the great outdoors. We loaded the car, met at a haunted gas station, and left to embark on a huge piece of slightly cleared land. We roasted hot dogs, used zig-zagging mustard, made s'mores, and told stories. It was just a blast. Way too much fun for 7 people and a German Shepard to have in the middle of nowhere.
Sunday (Funday) - I woke up, had a little dose of morning cartoons with the little brother, and then we went across the street to the local elementary school to play on the swing set. And if any of you out there think that they are not meant for the 20+ crowd, you are wrong. After, I cleaned up and a few of us went to eat at a Mexican restaurant in town. Upon returning to my house, that good friend from Friday's dance party night, and Saturday's sushi night and camp out, brought bicycles over and we trekked down to the hike and bike trail where we rode for 8 miles. It was amazing.
Later Sunday - We ate potato salad, gumbo, and cookie dough truffles. Then sat out by a bonfire where we sipped hot chocolate and again, roasted marshmallows.
Needless to say this was an eventful weekend.
Come on Friday.
Friday night - I got my nights mixed up, so instead of attending a friend of mine's 21st birthday party, I went out with another group of friends to a bar to celebrate my friend's husband's 23rd birthday.
--We still had a blast but I am pretty sad I missed that animal print drinking bash.
Saturday day- I cleaned all the live long day. I went through box after box. Unpacking and hanging up things. I actually got to the point where I wanted to hang something on the wall so badly, but found myself without a hammer, I used the end of a hairbrush! That's good girl innovation if there ever was any.
Saturday night - I went to eat sushi with a close friend and his brother and sister. We ate quite a bit...well one of us did. After, his brother thought it would be a good idea to go walk around the mall. And it was. We went from store to store looking at all kinds of things. I even tried something at this Asian drink shop, "Cha Cha Teahouse", called Watermelon Juice. And generally, I do not go anywhere near anything with Watermelon in the flavoring title, or Grape, but this was amazing. It was made with actual watermelons and it was fabulous. I tried his sister's Watermelon Juice, but I was stubborn, prior to tasting it, and stuck with my Mocha Slushie with Tapioca..which was also quite delicioso.
Later Saturday night - We dropped the siblings off at his house and went to enjoy the great outdoors. We loaded the car, met at a haunted gas station, and left to embark on a huge piece of slightly cleared land. We roasted hot dogs, used zig-zagging mustard, made s'mores, and told stories. It was just a blast. Way too much fun for 7 people and a German Shepard to have in the middle of nowhere.
Sunday (Funday) - I woke up, had a little dose of morning cartoons with the little brother, and then we went across the street to the local elementary school to play on the swing set. And if any of you out there think that they are not meant for the 20+ crowd, you are wrong. After, I cleaned up and a few of us went to eat at a Mexican restaurant in town. Upon returning to my house, that good friend from Friday's dance party night, and Saturday's sushi night and camp out, brought bicycles over and we trekked down to the hike and bike trail where we rode for 8 miles. It was amazing.
Later Sunday - We ate potato salad, gumbo, and cookie dough truffles. Then sat out by a bonfire where we sipped hot chocolate and again, roasted marshmallows.
Needless to say this was an eventful weekend.
Come on Friday.
Friday, October 16, 2009
First Glimpse Of Fall.
Pictures via Blackberry
Today is such a beautiful day. The beginning of a cold front came in last night, and will be finishing tonight. Tomorrow is going to be in the 50's! And for those of you who don't know, Texas does not have but two seasons...really hot and kinda cold. They are interchangeable at times.
Last year we had a cold front one night, the next day it snowed, and by the end of our first snow day in 30 years it was in the upper 70's.
I started out my morning by being exhausted and not wanting to wake up, but then I realized IT'S FRIDAY!!...and then everything got better. So far my morning chores have consisted of, but are not limited to: running to the bank, going to the post office, waiting in line a the post office (gosh I loathe that place), working, cleaning up the work kitchen, putting away work groceries, and spending another 7 hours here...in a cleverly decorated corporate jail surrounded by customers who don't know their head from their ass.
But one good thing, well a few, but the main good thing coming up the fastest...
My grandmother is taking me to lunch at our favorite (recently re-opened) local Chinese food place!
The other, well I don't know if I should talk about it. Haha, I may discuss it Monday, depending on how tonight goes...we will just have to see. But you should definitely be curious.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Some New Math.
So, sitting here, thinking about my measley paycheck, I started playing with some numbers.
There are 8,760 hours in one year.
If you work a 40 hour week, you work roughly 2,080 hours in one year.
That means only 6,680 hours per year are for things other than work.
Conclusion. We work about 25% of our lives.
There are 8,760 hours in one year.
If you work a 40 hour week, you work roughly 2,080 hours in one year.
That means only 6,680 hours per year are for things other than work.
Conclusion. We work about 25% of our lives.
Goodbye Mary Ann.
My heart broke a little this morning.
When I got to work, I realized one of my co-worker's last day was today. She is retiring. She wants to spend time with her beautiful grandchildren and her sister. She says they are planning a road trip. Busting a right from Texas, through Florida, and all the way up to see her other sister in Maine. Possibly making a pit stop in North Carolina to see her brother.
Before she left, she made her final good-byes known in letter form to each of us individually.
Mine read:
"Jessica-
You are a wonderful person. You have a heart as big as any I've seen. You have dreams and look to the future with a smile. One day I hope to sit down and read your books.
You will go many places in your life, but never forget where you came from.
Always dream.
Your friend,
Mary"
It is hard to believe that my coffee-making friend will not be here in the morning when I get to work. She was always the first one here in the morning. Always had a smile on her face.
It makes me happy that her family will get to see more of it, even if we have to see less.
When I got to work, I realized one of my co-worker's last day was today. She is retiring. She wants to spend time with her beautiful grandchildren and her sister. She says they are planning a road trip. Busting a right from Texas, through Florida, and all the way up to see her other sister in Maine. Possibly making a pit stop in North Carolina to see her brother.
Before she left, she made her final good-byes known in letter form to each of us individually.
Mine read:
"Jessica-
You are a wonderful person. You have a heart as big as any I've seen. You have dreams and look to the future with a smile. One day I hope to sit down and read your books.
You will go many places in your life, but never forget where you came from.
Always dream.
Your friend,
Mary"
It is hard to believe that my coffee-making friend will not be here in the morning when I get to work. She was always the first one here in the morning. Always had a smile on her face.
It makes me happy that her family will get to see more of it, even if we have to see less.
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