A Very Short Blog.

I am suffering from writer's block.

The type that won't let you hone in on any specific topic and just write, instead it makes your fingers run around the keyboard like headless chickens. And I have got to say, this is growing very old.

I suppose I could just write about things I know. That would be a very short blog seeing as how many things I thought I knew, have proven false.

Before now, I knew that when you say "I love you." it would be something worth fighting for.

Before now, I knew that if I ever fell out of an impossible love, I would be devastated.

Before today, I knew that my whims were nothing more than just me being fickle.

But I was sick of fighting, so scratch the first one.
And I am not so much devastated as I am ironically happy, so mark off the second.
And as far as my fickle abilities, speaking of them as some super human power of course, I am growing a little tiresome of my whims being whims.

I want the things I grow fond of to stick around. I hate that I push things away. I hate that I overthink EVERYTHING. I hate that I dream big and then settle for less.

But I guess I don't know anything anymore.

Guilty Pleasures.

(written earlier this afternoon via Blackberry)

There is something so liberating about an afternoon bath.

After being sick, warmth always feels as though it has never felt so good. Just laying here, soaking in nature.

This is not supposed to be sexual in any context, so please don't take it as such. But it just feels amazing to be free, just basking in the wonderful water God created, and enjoying it with the body he created especially for you to enjoy.

My mother's bathroom is set up to where the window is high enough no one can see in, but wide enough to let enough light fill the room so that you don't have to use a manmade light.

You can just enjoy the simple pleasures we take for granted each day. For example: the laughter of children playing across the street, the pitter patter of squirrels running up trees... It astounds me that I never got this much joy out of this place until this house.

Maybe it's a compilation of things. Or maybe it is simply the simplicity of water, nakedness, a breeze, and pleasure.

Just the guilty pleasures of staying home with the flu.

--And for a sidenote..
Things right now in my life seem to be going according to plan. As weird as it sounds, they really are.

The weirdest part is, I don't really have a "plan" per say, I am winging it. But my "plan" is to do exactly what I want to do.

"Do you want some great life advice? Be selfish. Because the minute you start asking yourself 'What about me?' Everything changes for the better."- Bette Midler

A Night To Feel Alive.

I am having the time of my life just living!

Going out every night was getting exhausting, then I was reminded of a very important point:
"You will get all the sleep you need when you're dead."
-Thank you to my dear friend, Mr. A&M.

I was exhausted, and getting sick, but I pushed through it. After an hour and a half power nap post-8 hour work day, I was rejuvenated! I, energetically, got up, got ready, and had fun last night.

I went to a local bar. Even though it is pretty pointless to, being that I'm 20, but still. Some friends and I got together prior to going out. They made dinner and we just sat and talked for hours. Those girls will never know how much I needed that.

After everyone got ready, we drove in the pouring rain to our destination.
It was a blast.

Everyone was drunk by the time we got there. And that makes for GREAT entertainment.

I think I am starting to love this town after all. As small as it is, it is really starting to take a liking to me, and I am having fun returning the favor.

I saw everyone I wanted to, and some I didn't. Overall it was super fun.
Not to mention I got walked to my car at the end of the night under my small umbrella.

Nothing beats a first kiss in the rain. <3

He is great. I can't help but smile every time I think about last night. I love this feeling.

(And as much as I love seeing people out that don't approve of my situation, I am learning to live my life according to my standards and do what makes me happy. It's a really great change.)

Now, to wrap up a bit, the moral of this story is that college kids can run on Ramen noodles and 3 hours of sleep a night. We are the future, and you should be very afraid.

Oh, and P.S.- Tomorrow is Halloween and I am dressing up for the first time in my life! I am going to be a Regal Queen. The Queen of Halloween. It combines all of my favorites: the color purple, animal print, and authority. Bring on my royal subjects.

So Happy It's Sick.

I've decided I need a tape recorder to keep in my purse.

Last night on the way home, and then again this morning I had the best mini paragraphs, word for word, planned out in my head. And as soon as something took my attention away from it, my thoughts remain permanently lost. That is why I think I should write short stories instead of a novel.

Too many ADD thoughts running through this brain.

I have also recently realized that if you don't pay attention to signals your body sends you, you will pay the consequences. I have been feeling yuck for about 3-4 days now. I have so many things I have to do and participate in. My body is saying slow down, but my mind is telling it to just wait until after Halloween.

Last night, on the way home I saw four deer during my long drive down the infamous dark HWY 105. Four of them. Scattered over a few miles, but they all looked so peaceful.

I ended up driving home, my long 40 minute drive, without even having any music playing at all.
I was just enjoying where I was, emotionally, physically, everything.
Happiness is a really great thing.

-My friends and I are closer than I have ever been to them.
-I am enjoying EVERY aspect of my life right now. (Even the sick part, believe it or not.)
-I LOVE my job, even though it stresses me out.
-My family is all healthy and happy for the most part.
-And there's this boy... <3

I couldn't see how this could get better.

Dear Jesus,
I want it to stay this way, pretty please.
Thanks,
Jessica

P.S.-Updates about the boy to come.

Sickly.

So I have been a little down about writing lately.
I think I am getting the flu or something.
I feel awful.

Life must go on though, right? Ugh..

No posts for the next couple days probably.

A Proclamation Among Blogs.

"Oh, the weather outside is frightful." The dreary atmosphere of my small town cannot help but remind me of the inner workings of a Poe short story. The ghastly clouds and roaring winds are just perfect for the setting of today's topic.

Forward:
This is not a written pity party. I actually feel this way. I believe every word. I am not fishing for sympathy or empathy. I am simply stating facts.

I used to be obsessed with love, being in a relationship, and what not. Since I was 16, and allowed to date, I have not been single for longer than a month. My step dad used to tell me if a guy liked me, I would give him a chance. Secretly hinting at the fact that I had low self esteem and in turn must be desperate for love, affection, acceptance, etc.

I have realized in the last few days that that isn't good for me or anyone that I cross paths with that may or may not take an interest in me. I can't resist attention. I like it. Everyone likes it. It's human nature. But I don't want to hurt anyone else that may house potential feelings for me.

Therefore I am making this proclamation. I will not again, (any time soon, because I never say never) tell ANYONE that I love them, unless I already have in the past. I can't fall in love again. Not only for my sake, but for the sake of my potential victim.

I seem to do nothing constructive in relationships. I hurt people, and that's all I seem to be good for.

My friend imparted some valuable wisdom upon me this morning:
"If you always hurt the people close to you, you will never be happy."

My reply:
"Obviously."

But even though I may not be happy, I do feel a little better knowing I won't make anyone elses life miserable. I am an optimist turned cynic.

I really want someone to brave this, a strong knight in shining armor to ride up and prove me wrong. I dare him.

Crossing Off Four.

So, I figured today I would use my blog to catch up on my 25 in 365 list.
I am able to cross off four items.

8. Buy a one-way ticket somewhere
So this was accomplished by me going to see my Army man-friend. I will be flying there and then driving back with him so he does not have to drive it alone. We are making a road trip out of it, which leads me to my next item to cross off.

11. Take a road trip
I have already taken a road trip once this month, so that I may cross it off my list. A good guy friend of mine and I went down to Corpus Christi, and drove back but not before detouring to San Antonio. It was great fun. This upcoming road trip, however, will be much longer and spanning over about six states and three days. I CAN NOT WAIT!!

15. Go in Target, and spend nothing
I figured that this, by far, would be the hardest thing for me to accomplish on my list. Well, aside from the infamous #25 (Keep myself from falling too hard for anyone). But it really wasn't. I didn't plan on not spending money. I went in to look. Found a few shirts I liked. But when I went to check out, I put them back. That is some strong will power, let me just tell you.

21. Go camping
And this one, well I half way did it. I realized that this was stupid to put on my list because I will never actually sleep outside. I did go to a campsite with some friends. We made hot dogs with zig zaggy mustard, s'mores, and took lots of pictures. But when it got to be about 2 a.m. I was exhausted and cranky. I did not want to sleep in a damp tent/truck bed. But this is as close as I am going to get to completing this so, I am crossing it off of my list.

On a way more excited note, I can't wait for this weekend. Get ready for a lengthy recap on Monday morning!!

New Job & Much Much More.

So, I am working at Allstate because, back when I was job hunting, I was in search of a career that would carry me through my married life.

Well there is no more married life, and definitely no need for a serious career right now...especially when there are so many wonderful things I want to do.

I put in my application at this new chic, up and coming bar/grill/steakhouse and had an interview today. I got the job!

I was nervous about giving my two weeks notice, especially since Mary just left two weeks ago and he has still yet to fill her position. Her's was more tidious, but it's whatever. That's neither here nor there. Lola and I had lunch a few days ago, and I swung by just to pick up and application. Well, that turned into turning in the application, which led to an interview, that turned into a job!

I am so excited because it is much more laid back than this high stress situation I have found myself in. The only downside was breaking the news to my great boss. He, coincidentally, called me into his office for a raise. He knew I was leaving though, he could tell on my face. That, and because I had been talking about it off and on since the ex and I split.

I told him:
"I want to travel. If I stay here I will only stay here and that's not what I want. I need to figure out my life. And when I go back to school in the spring I need a less high profile job. School needs to come first."

(I knew that last sentence would bag and tag my double-bachelor degree earning boss.)

He said:
"I understand. You are a great employee. If you decide in 6 months or whatever that you haven't accomplished what you wanted to, come see me. I would rehire you on the spot. You are one of the best employees I have ever had. You are driven and obsessive compulsive and can multi-task. And that is very important to me."

Today could not have taken a turn for the better in any greater possible way.

So now I am:
-NC -Thanksgiving week
-TN -Christmas time/ish (hopefully)
-NY -whenever NJ has a 5k suitable for me and Heather :)

Yay for following through with my life.

School in the spring.
Trips planned galore.
My life is getting on track.
Need I ask for more?

Yes, I know that rhymed.

Pitter Patter Goes The Rain.

Okay, so it is raining cats and dogs on top of my questionable office building. Everytime the water pours harder it seems to make this establishment shift a tad to the left, or right. Like I said, which ever way the water feels like pouring.

Today I am a little frustrated. Yesterday, while sitting in line at the bank I thought of the most amazing topic to cover that would probably retrieve close to one hundred comments, in turn would catch the eye of some big writer executive somewhere, and thus forth would launch my career. But thank you ADD brain for allowing me to be distracted, and now I am back to square one.

No awesome blog.
No future writing career set in stone.
Not even the satisfaction of "Hey, I remembered that!"

Oh well, the pitter patter of the rain just keeps egging me on to push myself in the direction of a great story. Now I just have to sit in one place, and focus on one thing long enough so that maybe, just maybe, I can be great one day. I want greatness. I want everything. Everything and greatness. Is that too much to ask?

"I seem to want everything too much." -Rachel, from Glee's episode last night

By the way, I love Glee. It's kind of dorky, and that's ok for me. It makes me feel better about my life. I do believe that if I went to high school there I could have gotten a slushie facial pretty much daily. But that's beside the point.

My best friend (one of two, next to my seasonal friend from a few posts back) wrote something today on her Facebook, and I think it is definitely mention-worthy. We will just call her Lola, because that used to be her nickname anyway.

"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."
Now, I am not sure if she wrote this, but it sure made me think.

I don't want to admit that I have no courage, but I like the shore. I think that the shore is awesome, and that if it got me this far, it should stay in my sights. But I want to cross the ocean.

I am torn.

Ocean crossing possibilities? Yes.
Shore sight losing? Hmmm, maybe.
Courage? Not so much.

I don't even have the courage to act on what I know I want, and have wanted, for the last 3-4 years of my life. Everything has revolved around this, and the funny thing is, not even my closest, best friends know.

Reverting back to yesterday. The heart wants what it wants. The mind is what makes it confusing. Gosh I hate my mind right now.

Too bad the one person I want to read this the most, won't.

And the rain. Damn that pitter patter.

My Sister Is A Genius.

My sister is a genius.

This sister has not been a sister of mine for my whole life. Well, technically she has I just didn't find her until I needed her. She is an amazing girl, fellow writer, and one of the most well-rounded people I know.

Her quote on her Facebook status this morning said:
"The heart is always right-- if there's a question of choosing between the mind and the heart-- because mind is a creation of the society. It has been educated. You have been given it by the society, not by existence. The heart is unpolluted."-Osho

I replied:
"I have a question though...My heart always wants what it can't seem to get. Why is that? :( "

So, she says:
"nope, that's your mind thinking you can't get it.. your heart says you can :) "

Lately, it has been a struggle to see exactly what I want.

After my unengagement, my life's goals became much more clear. Here lately, I seem to allow things and people cloud the air in my mind's atmosphere.

My goals post-non wedding:

-Start running

-Take better care of myself

-Get all of my financial things in order

-Figure out what I want to do with my life.

That last one has been my heavy struggle. I can't seem to figure out what I want out of life. I know that I am destined for greatness in one way or another, but which way?

Just food for thought. Yummy food!