V-Day Drama.

Today is the last day of the work week pre-V-day. The area of my desk where flowers are supposed to go is bare.

And, since I am technically single until that beautiful, eclectic ring lands on just the right finger, today is the day I was a bit thrown.

Everyone in the office was getting flowers. Even the ladies we thought were single. Well apparently we thought wrong.

It was down to me and two other ladies, and as the clock creeped past 2 p.m., we started penis bashing. I mean really hard core, dropping words only the saltiest of sailors use, and cursing the men who were supposed to be chivalrous but were not. They were just men.

Distraught, I leave on a quest to abandone the one goal I set for myself in the foodie area. NO FAST FOOD. Well, it's amazing how quickly one can forget those once, ever-so-important rules to live by. Good bye healthy, hello yummy.

I got deep fried, breaded chicken nuggets, steamy, delicious waffle fries and an ice cold lemonade. Mmm mm good.

I pull back into my office parking lot, totally satisfied with my choice for lunch, because in my eyes depression TOTALLY justifies eating unhealthily every once in a while. I waltz back to my desk, with a smile on my face, only to find a bouquet of a dozen dark pink long stem roses, wrapped in tissue paper.

I love wrapped in tissue paper. You could hand me long stemmed anything as long as it's wrapped in some form of paper. Brown paper is my favorite, but any paper will do.

Anyway, they are gorgeous, and smell fabulous.


Happy Valentine's Day to me!

Losing Control.

I have realized when I just let go and stop trying to control every little situtation, things actually work themselves out.

Well, not things because they can't work. God works. He does everything in His time, even if we wish he could just hurry up sometimes. God teaches us patience, and that is the one virtue I couldn't figure out how to master all by myself.

It wasn't meant to be learned alone, that's why it took me so long. I was impatient to learn patience. It's ironic, really.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
James 1:2-4

As hard as it is to understand, that's really true. It's only through pain and suffering do we learn to truly appreciate anything.

The relationship, yes relationship to all of you shocked handful of viewers out there, that I'm in now came totally unplanned, but it happened all the same.

Now I am where I should have been all along. I am happy with myself, learning patience hand in hand with someone I could see spending the rest of my life with, and knowing that every day is a choice.

It's not all about "the spark" that comes with newfound love, it's about choices.

It's not about what you may or may not miss out on, but the adventure you can embark on together.

Life is all about what you make of it. When you know something is right, try not to fight it. Allow yourself to just go with the flow, knowing that everything will work out.

Everything happens for a reason. God doesn't give you anything you can't handle, even if you wish He didn't trust you as much as He did.

Breathing.

So it's been a week. An incredibly LONG, trying past seven days.

I feel the same about this week, and it's only Monday.

I feel bad that I haven't posted anything lately, but to tell the truth, I have written some things. Though after reading them I realized they were me just venting and being spiteful, so those things will not make it to the public eye. They will stay in my special folder on my desktop where I keep all of my written tantrums.

Trust me, you don't want to go in that folder.

I am torn right now. I am torn between school, what's right and what's easier/cheaper/better for me in the long run. My heart is torn between doing what I know I'm supposed to do by taking things slow and just running full force like I always do. And my body is torn between working out, and my work opportunities, and just everything and everywhere I need to be at once.

I'm just torn.

And I don't like to be torn. But if I'm going to stay true to myself, then I know then I know what I have to do.

I have to stick with school the way I should.

I have to follow my heart, even if that means jumping in with both feet. If I didn't make hasty, yet whole hearted decisions, then I wouldn't be me.

And I have to pace my stress level. There is no way to eliminate my stress completely, it's a neccessary evil. As much as I hate it, it motivates me. It keeps me moving and going like I need to, even if I don't really want to, but I have noticed that I can't bombard my subconscious by worrying constantly if I am getting every little thing crossed off my checklist. I have to slow down or that damn checklist will be the death of me.

I think the goal for this week should be breathing.

Just remembering to breathe and realizing it's okay if it's not all done right now.
After all, even Rome wasn't built in a day.

Faith, Love and Happiness.

Where do I even begin?

I have been trying so hard to find something that inspires me. Something that tugs at my core. Then it happened. I had to make a concious effort to stop thinking on my car ride home. I had no tape recorder, no pad and paper, and even if there were the last two things, I was on the highway.

Would my epiphany grant me to be so bold as to say I think I have figured it out?

By it I do mean everything. The very purpose to life, happiness, everything that is worth having, giving or doing.

I figured it out.

It's not money.
It's not power.
It's not fame or fortune or "luck" as some may call it.

It's faith, love and happiness.

I don't want to sound too green-peace, earth-child, tree hugging lunatic who smoked one too many bundles of grass, but think about it.

1. You can't be happy with ANYTHING until you find happiness in yourself first.
[Trust me, I've been there.]

Now, even though it may seem as such, key word being seem, you can't pick something and make yourself happy with it.

---> Example: My whole life I wanted to find a guy to make me happy like in fairytale books. I thought if I just picked a guy, everything else would fall into place. Well, I picked, then I picked some more. I realized that just because I picked, doesn't mean I was right by any means.

Adulthood kicks in, way too early I might add, and BAM! you realize fairy tales really don't exist. Thus beginning a lifetime of settling because you think since fairy tales don't exist, the happiness you felt when the glass slipper fit perfectly couldn't possibly exist either.
WRONG. It is our fault for allowing ourselves to settle and believe that true, honest-to-goodness, head over heels, giddy all the time, rosy cheeks and click of the heels happiness went away with our beloved fairy tales.

I have always wondered, until now, why I was fascinated with the story of Cinderella. Sure, I may be partial to it, believing that it is the greatest love story ever told, ever. But it's more than that. It's the feeling I got that gave me chills up my arms when the Duke realized that the two ugly step sisters feet weren't the right size.

Somewhere over time I lost my faith in faith. I forgot that it's not all about what actually is happening, but what could be happening, or has the potential to happen.

At the end of the story Cinderella and the Prince live happily ever after, and while I am not so naive to think that everyone gets a happily ever after because obviously that's not the case, everything is what you make it.

"One shoe can change your life." -Cinderella
Just think about it, there's a hidden meaning in there.

2. Once you find that happiness in yourself, embrace it.

Don't be afraid of the natural high loving life brings. Take ahold of it like a two year old grabs onto his mother's hair. Grasp it and go.

It can be intimidating and downright frustrating when you see what you have been missing out on your whole life, and never even realized it. Knowing that all it took was time. Patience. Just a little while to allow yourself to look inside. [Again, not creepily...] But to dig deep.

You are supposed to know yourself better than anyone else.
Well, besides Jesus because He and His dad created you and have known you from the womb.

I used to think that if I blindly believed in an almighty power, that made me ignorant. To just assume because someone wrote it down in a book thousands of years ago, that it is ultimately correct. The way, the truth and the life. I thought that believing in something without being able to grasp it made me naive.

It doesn't, it makes me child-like.

NEVER make the mistake of confusing a maintained child-like innocence with ignorance.

Jesus smiled on those who could believe like children. Those who had that fairytale belief system still implanted in their hearts.

Maybe now I realize, that with a sincere love and happiness with myself, I can have that Father-daughter relationship that I have been missing for so long.

It's not about not having sex, or not cursing, or going to church every Sunday, or reading the Bible religiously, or even religion itself. It's about a relationship. [While those are all good rules to live by, again, when followed properly.] But it's how you find and make your own path to happiness, how to maintain that happiness through Him, and realizing that no matter how hard it gets, you really NEVER have to be alone.

It's like the old saying goes:
Those who can believe without seeing have the greatest gift of all.

And I finally understand.

Blind faith should not be frowned upon. Innocence is a blessing for those who embrace it correctly.

Love can be shared in many ways, but before you can give real love, you must first have it to give.

Happiness comes from within. Some find it sooner than others, and sadly, some never find it.

Anything is possible when you're patient.

Another List.

I feel like I have been neglecting this.

I have had so many other things going on in my life, I have put my blog on the backburner. Not anymore. I will do better and write everyday. This is teaching me discipline and getting me ready for when I commit to the idea of my book.

Things going on this week:
-Making yummy treats to send to my winner of the Bake Sale!
-Planning, oh so much planning, for the beautiful baby girl coming in April.
-Studying for the damn test I have been trying to pass for months.
-Getting ahead of the school work, for once.

And as much as it pains me to see my "important" To-Do list rapidly growing, I quote important because I have many To-Do lists, I breathe a sigh of relief every time I get to transfer something from my To-Do to my Completed list.

Ahhhhhhhh...

Things I completed that are weights off my shoulders:
-Taxes: filed.
-FAFSA: done.
-Invitations: chosen.
-Baby Shower meeting: arranged and taking place today.
-Bullshit: cleared up.

I have learned that I must transfer things to that coveted Completed list or I will go crazy.

My Ultimate All.

First and foremost, a thank you extends to all of the lovely bidders and bakers of yesterday's Online Bake Sale for Haiti!

Bonnie is the proud winner of my yummy fruity granola bars. Her winning bid of $15 brings us that much closer to improving the lives of others.

Check out this awesome librarian's storytelling blog at:
[ http//bonnierankin@blogspot.com/ ]

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Ok, I swore up and down that the only thing on my Facebook, Twitter, and Blogger accounts yesterday would be the promotion of the Bake Sale, and it worked! We raised a ton of awareness and a nice chunk of change thanks to:
Diana at http://thechiclife.com who put this all together,
&& Heather at http://thenheathersaid.com who "online introduced" us.

It was a great success.

All of that food blogging made me think, should that be what I'm doing? Should I food blog and gear more of my things to what readers obviously want? [Heather and Diana are both supremely popular bloggers and when I grow up I want to be just like them.]

But I thought, no. I'm not a foodie. Readers rely on food blogs to be healthy and yummy all at the same time. Someone with a food purpose and great recipes to accompany an even greater success story.

For some reason I don't think I'm that girl, but I do love good food. Usually my favorite foods are healthy, but I am human and do enjoy that occasional indulgence of greasy pizza or a hefty scoop of ice cream!

And I do work out now. Actually, it's reading all of these success stories of multiple blogging sites that made me want to get up and go. Until I started this blog, I always hated running. I thought of it as my arch nemeses, and it's evil powers included, but weren't limited to: Taking my breath away (and not in a romantic sense). Shooting lightening rays into my knee caps and hips which would ultimately cause me to crumble. And possibly the worst one of all, self doubt.

But I think running and I have this love/hate relationship.

It is a much more productive bond than it used to be. I have been to my limits and back. I know what I can, and more importantly, cannot do. I have had success in learning the ins and outs of what helps me to de-stress while running.

[[**Story-time**]]
One of my best friends and I enrolled in the same class this semester, and it just so happens that after our mutual last class of the day, we have the perfect opportunity to work out at the Recreational Center on campus. We figured, we pay for it in our tuition, so why not get some use out of it?

She sticks to the track and I like my precor machine. We both do the elliptical, and try very hard not to look too unfeminine on the weights. It's good, quality bonding time.

And since I am partially known for my list-making abilities, I will show-off right about now.

Running helps me in these ways:
-It helps me realize that I'm only human, and I can't do everything.
-It pushes me until I break.
-It gets me into shape (which was the reason I started in the first place.)
-It gives me something constructive to do when I get emotional.
-It allows me to look forward to something even when the rest of the day is sour.
-It frustrates me, kills me, hurts me, makes me ache, pisses me off, and at the end of the day I can't wait to do it again.

[ Sadly, this kind of sounds like the majority of my relationships. No wonder I subject myself to misery over and over and over again. I like it. I really like it. I must have a sick, twisted mind. I like things that torment me and that cause me pain. Things that challenge me to do better, be better. I just might have an unhealthy love for adversity. ]

To me, running is much more complex than just putting on some shorts and a t-shirt, lacing up shoes, and jamming out to angry girl music. While that is fun, running is so much more. It's a relationship I have attained with myself. It has help me figure myself out. It's opened my mind and freed my spirit, because when I'm doing it, the only thing I'm concerned with is how much longer until I have reached my goal.

On a side note: I reached my first stepping stone!
I ran 3 miles in 38 minutes earlier this week!
[[ Less than 45 was my first timed goal for 3 miles! ]]
My ultimate goal? To run 5 miles in an hour. I can do it.
Nike's helping.

Haiti Bake Sale!

Today's the day!!

The Online Bake Sale for Haiti!!

http://thechiclife.com/2010/01/online-bake-sale-for-haiti-bid-here.html

Step one: Go.

Step two: Bid.

Step three: Get yummy treats!!

[Bidding starts at $10.]

ALL THE PROCEEDS GO TO THE AMERICAN RED CROSS!

[and be sure to check out my delicious fruity granola bars,

recipe courtesy of Food Network, Barefoot Contessa.]

New Things To Come.

I am excited about so many things right now!

I am becoming an adult, and while I'm experiencing many growing pains along the way, I am enjoying myself probably more than I should.

- I have started seeing an improvement on the bills that I am slowly but surely paying off.
- I am joining a book club! [ thenheathersaid.com ]
- I am baking something for the greater good at the Haiti Online Bake Sale! [ see widget ]
- I got a semi-promotion.
- I am learning patience.
- I have made a decision to be healthier, and stuck with it.
- I have made a point to be around my family more, and followed through.
- My book's plot is starting to take shape.
- I am investing in the best decisions for my adult life, not just for what I want right now.
[ SEE Patience ]

Everything is starting to look up. I find myself MANY times a day realizing that I am happier now than I have been since childhood.

I can't remember a time in my life where I was actually afraid of sadness. I lived in it for so long, I didn't even realize I was there. Now I do. I realize where I was and how far I've come. I still have a long way to go, but I'm on track.

To most I will probably still seem like a bubbly cheerleader. Those people have only known me for 5-7 years, if that. [ Excluding my family, I tend not to have very long term relationships. ] In that short period of time, I am the same person these people have always known on the outside. Most don't know the gloom of the inside and that is my fault. I don't like for people to know the inner workings of stressful torment I bring on myself.

But the inside matches the outside now.

As much as I have always resented the people who wear their feelings on their sleeves, I realize now that being emotionally fragile is much healthier than building up a wall not even a 3 year relationship can break down.

There is something liberating in introducing your true self to people you have known for years.

Just walking up to your best friend for 5+ years and saying:
"Hey there, remember how we went to high school? How we have been friends for so long and we shared so many things, well I kinda lied. Deep down I'm not the girl you've always known, I'm better. I have the ability to prioritize correctly. I know what I want out of life. And even though it's a bit deceiving, seeing as how I even thought you knew me all these years, I never even knew myself. I'm sorry I haven't been fair to you, but I am being 100% up front now. My name is Jessica and I'm brand new."

Of course, I wouldn't really say that, but my two best friends read this and they will know what I mean.

I can't express how much I love this feeling.

And yes, I'm temperamental at times, I seldom am able to choose a restaurant, I hate being around a bunch of people I don't know, crowded areas make me nervous, I thrive in places when I feel confident, and usually that confidence is derived from an outfit of cotton shorts and a high school t shirt, this is the real me now.

I can be very hard to handle or hold onto, but I like to think I'm worth it in the long run.

Just ask my BFF's.

Just a side note: I know I refer to "the real me" often, but that's only because I just found me, and it's new, and I love it! I named this blog on impulse and never imagine it would be this fitting.

Epiphany.

I finally dug deep.

I started drawing things from within. I decided I didn't want to wait on depression to strike, I wanted to be able to find motivation from myself while I was happy. That was the challenge I put my writing up to this week.

It wasn't until late last night that I was stressing about SO many things, when I had a savior send me a great comment. I mean like the chill bumps all over, "Oh my God, she's right?!" sort of feeling.

My Facebook status last night: Jessica Yates has so much on her mind that sleep right now is no where near an option.

I was commented by one of my oldest friend's moms. Who is actually one of my mom's oldest friends. She said: Meditate on happy thoughts...cant do anything about anything till tomorrow so you might as well have sweet dreams.

I realized she was so right. It was as simple as that. I make my life WAY more complicated than it needs to be. Had I not taken this new initiative, accompanied by a new outlook on life, I would have blown past this cliche' comment. But I couldn't. It really made me think that if I hadn't started my year the way I did 2010 would already be 100 times different.

[ How? Well, I would have said yes on New Year's Eve. I would have caved to peer pressure the weekend following my favorite holiday. I wouldn't have texted him that message and embarked on what may be considered my first real spontaneous adventure. I wouldn't have the patience I have. I wouldn't trust like I do. I wouldn't have the pride in myself I am told I should have had my whole life. I wouldn't be me. ]

This year is refreshing on so many levels because I'm not afraid to be who I want to be anymore. When I say I'm not walking on eggshells, I'm not. Just ask my friends and family. I love this feeling and even though it kick started back in November [a thank you goes out to one of my best guy friends who is self described as an "asshole"], I have really embraced it with the new year.

So after listening to her last night, I figured why not. Why shouldn't I meditate on the things that make me happy instead of dwelling on the things I cannot change right then?

Her baby shower can't be planned when most of the world is sleeping. Class can't be paid for at midnight. Money can't be made while I'm laying in my bed. My clients wouldn't answer their phones if I called them. Studying was an option, but after taking a test nine times, I was not studying at that hour. Other people's marital problems can NEVER be solved by me. Even Sweden got to sleep.

Just breathe.

I started thinking about nice things, happy things. [Like getting to help TWO friends work on things for TWO different newspapers, both of which will publish some of my edits :) ] Things I couldn't wait to do. [Like traveling :) ] Things I am ready to do and will do because of the before mentioned "How?".

After meditating on pleasant and forgetting sad and depressing situations that would usually overtake me and keep me awake at 11:30 p.m., I realized the plot for my book.

It dawned on me like this crazy ray of sunshine through my pitch black window. I jotted it all down, even though I contemplated not moving because I was just so darn comfortable. I knew if I didn't put it on paper, I would NEVER remember it in the morning.

But I did. It's there. And I can't wait to start working on it.

ADD and Impatience.

I'm not sure why, but lately I have been very happy. The only downside to my enjoyment of life is that when I am happy, it makes for a rough writing experience.

I can never seem to draw out my raw passion for words when I am content, yes content, with the way my life is going.

Let's see, I'm supposed to be "Finding Myself Through Words" so what would I consider myself right now? Hmm.

-Can't really focus on anything for too long, and generally, that isn't out of the ordinary for me. The only difference now is where my extra attention span is going.

-My impatience is overtaking my sanity. It's just that I know there are great things to come and I can't stand waiting. Not even a little bit. Not even at all. (A little 10 Things I Hate About You quote thrown in the mix there.)

So I guess that about sums it up. I'm ADD and impatient, which were two things I already knew. Therefore, today's short post really didn't assist me in finding myself at all.

Oh well, the last few months overshadow my slight writer's block by a country mile.