New Things To Come.

I am excited about so many things right now!

I am becoming an adult, and while I'm experiencing many growing pains along the way, I am enjoying myself probably more than I should.

- I have started seeing an improvement on the bills that I am slowly but surely paying off.
- I am joining a book club! [ thenheathersaid.com ]
- I am baking something for the greater good at the Haiti Online Bake Sale! [ see widget ]
- I got a semi-promotion.
- I am learning patience.
- I have made a decision to be healthier, and stuck with it.
- I have made a point to be around my family more, and followed through.
- My book's plot is starting to take shape.
- I am investing in the best decisions for my adult life, not just for what I want right now.
[ SEE Patience ]

Everything is starting to look up. I find myself MANY times a day realizing that I am happier now than I have been since childhood.

I can't remember a time in my life where I was actually afraid of sadness. I lived in it for so long, I didn't even realize I was there. Now I do. I realize where I was and how far I've come. I still have a long way to go, but I'm on track.

To most I will probably still seem like a bubbly cheerleader. Those people have only known me for 5-7 years, if that. [ Excluding my family, I tend not to have very long term relationships. ] In that short period of time, I am the same person these people have always known on the outside. Most don't know the gloom of the inside and that is my fault. I don't like for people to know the inner workings of stressful torment I bring on myself.

But the inside matches the outside now.

As much as I have always resented the people who wear their feelings on their sleeves, I realize now that being emotionally fragile is much healthier than building up a wall not even a 3 year relationship can break down.

There is something liberating in introducing your true self to people you have known for years.

Just walking up to your best friend for 5+ years and saying:
"Hey there, remember how we went to high school? How we have been friends for so long and we shared so many things, well I kinda lied. Deep down I'm not the girl you've always known, I'm better. I have the ability to prioritize correctly. I know what I want out of life. And even though it's a bit deceiving, seeing as how I even thought you knew me all these years, I never even knew myself. I'm sorry I haven't been fair to you, but I am being 100% up front now. My name is Jessica and I'm brand new."

Of course, I wouldn't really say that, but my two best friends read this and they will know what I mean.

I can't express how much I love this feeling.

And yes, I'm temperamental at times, I seldom am able to choose a restaurant, I hate being around a bunch of people I don't know, crowded areas make me nervous, I thrive in places when I feel confident, and usually that confidence is derived from an outfit of cotton shorts and a high school t shirt, this is the real me now.

I can be very hard to handle or hold onto, but I like to think I'm worth it in the long run.

Just ask my BFF's.

Just a side note: I know I refer to "the real me" often, but that's only because I just found me, and it's new, and I love it! I named this blog on impulse and never imagine it would be this fitting.

Epiphany.

I finally dug deep.

I started drawing things from within. I decided I didn't want to wait on depression to strike, I wanted to be able to find motivation from myself while I was happy. That was the challenge I put my writing up to this week.

It wasn't until late last night that I was stressing about SO many things, when I had a savior send me a great comment. I mean like the chill bumps all over, "Oh my God, she's right?!" sort of feeling.

My Facebook status last night: Jessica Yates has so much on her mind that sleep right now is no where near an option.

I was commented by one of my oldest friend's moms. Who is actually one of my mom's oldest friends. She said: Meditate on happy thoughts...cant do anything about anything till tomorrow so you might as well have sweet dreams.

I realized she was so right. It was as simple as that. I make my life WAY more complicated than it needs to be. Had I not taken this new initiative, accompanied by a new outlook on life, I would have blown past this cliche' comment. But I couldn't. It really made me think that if I hadn't started my year the way I did 2010 would already be 100 times different.

[ How? Well, I would have said yes on New Year's Eve. I would have caved to peer pressure the weekend following my favorite holiday. I wouldn't have texted him that message and embarked on what may be considered my first real spontaneous adventure. I wouldn't have the patience I have. I wouldn't trust like I do. I wouldn't have the pride in myself I am told I should have had my whole life. I wouldn't be me. ]

This year is refreshing on so many levels because I'm not afraid to be who I want to be anymore. When I say I'm not walking on eggshells, I'm not. Just ask my friends and family. I love this feeling and even though it kick started back in November [a thank you goes out to one of my best guy friends who is self described as an "asshole"], I have really embraced it with the new year.

So after listening to her last night, I figured why not. Why shouldn't I meditate on the things that make me happy instead of dwelling on the things I cannot change right then?

Her baby shower can't be planned when most of the world is sleeping. Class can't be paid for at midnight. Money can't be made while I'm laying in my bed. My clients wouldn't answer their phones if I called them. Studying was an option, but after taking a test nine times, I was not studying at that hour. Other people's marital problems can NEVER be solved by me. Even Sweden got to sleep.

Just breathe.

I started thinking about nice things, happy things. [Like getting to help TWO friends work on things for TWO different newspapers, both of which will publish some of my edits :) ] Things I couldn't wait to do. [Like traveling :) ] Things I am ready to do and will do because of the before mentioned "How?".

After meditating on pleasant and forgetting sad and depressing situations that would usually overtake me and keep me awake at 11:30 p.m., I realized the plot for my book.

It dawned on me like this crazy ray of sunshine through my pitch black window. I jotted it all down, even though I contemplated not moving because I was just so darn comfortable. I knew if I didn't put it on paper, I would NEVER remember it in the morning.

But I did. It's there. And I can't wait to start working on it.

ADD and Impatience.

I'm not sure why, but lately I have been very happy. The only downside to my enjoyment of life is that when I am happy, it makes for a rough writing experience.

I can never seem to draw out my raw passion for words when I am content, yes content, with the way my life is going.

Let's see, I'm supposed to be "Finding Myself Through Words" so what would I consider myself right now? Hmm.

-Can't really focus on anything for too long, and generally, that isn't out of the ordinary for me. The only difference now is where my extra attention span is going.

-My impatience is overtaking my sanity. It's just that I know there are great things to come and I can't stand waiting. Not even a little bit. Not even at all. (A little 10 Things I Hate About You quote thrown in the mix there.)

So I guess that about sums it up. I'm ADD and impatient, which were two things I already knew. Therefore, today's short post really didn't assist me in finding myself at all.

Oh well, the last few months overshadow my slight writer's block by a country mile.

Distance.

Phone conversations will be the death of me, and being apart like this is not easy. I never realized what people meant when they said long distance anything (i.e. friendships, relationships, families, etc.) were that hard. I always thought It's just distance, that's what phones are for... Wrong.

I have a new respect for anyone that cares for anybody that is not within driving distance of them. I have never in my whole life lived terribly far from anyone with whom I am close. I am fortunate in that aspect of my life and I never realized it until now. Any time I want to see someone, I could just hop into my car and drive roughly 30 minutes, if that, to see whoever I wanted, when ever I wanted. But now, it seems that distance is the demon seed that is teaching me patience. That taboo virtue that I never quite mastered.

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, I will be one very fond girl in a few weeks.

Helping Haiti.

Many of you out there have heard about the disaster in Haiti, and although I try to steer clear of the depressing stories and photos, I want to help. As much as the world would like to wish the catastrophic event didn't occur, it did. It has reshaped the lives of many, and all for the worse.

All too often things like this happen, and all too often we [as middle class members of society] have our hands tied and are unable to help, even though some of us would love nothing more than to pitch in and make their lives as good as new. If this sounds like you, your helpfulness may be put too good use.

There is a way to help Haiti now!

No sending money to third party collectors who may or may not follow through with the donation. No having to gather money together to fly to Haiti to physically be the one cleaning up debris or rebuilding churches, homes, and schools. Most of us don't have the funding or the vacation time saved up, but there is a way you can do your part.

HELP WITH THE ONLINE
BAKE SALE FOR HAITI.

And all you have to do is make the decision:
bid or bake.

If you choose to bake:
1. Visit Diana's blog: http://thechiclife.typepad.com
2. Leave her a comment stating what you would like to bake, if it's vegan, vegetarian, or neither, and if you are willing to ship in the U.S., Canada, or both.

If you choose to bid:
1. On Wednesday, January 27, 2010, visit http://thechiclife.typepad.com
2. Bidding will be open from 12:01 a.m. until 11:59 p.m.

Please help out the less fortunate. This is your way to contribute to the greater good without having to leave your laptop.

Thank you in advance.

Both Feet.

It never ceases to amaze me how fast everything changes in my life. Now sure, I'm the one in "control", if that is even the right thing to call it, but it always seems as if things are way beyond my grasp.

Everything changes. Things never stay the same. Whether they are progressive or backpeddling, things in life never really stay in one place.

I am choosing to quote the ever famous Phoebe Buffay. Her boyfriend says to her, "We have to move forward, because if we aren't moving forward then we are just moving backward." And her reply, "Well no that's not true. If we aren't moving forward we are just staying still, and staying still is ok. See watch." She sits extremely still, but deep down she is worried that he is right.

What if it's not ok to stay in the same place? What if we are supposed to move forward and not stay put? Is that why it's referred to as a "slump" or "rut"? [ or a rump or slut :) ]

All I know it that even though I know it is frustrating for the people close to me to see my life change constantly, and that those who don't keep in touch with me on a bi-weekly basis usually find themselves behind in my life. It has to be exhausting trying to keep up with me. My ADD overflows from my brain to my everyday life, and it wears me out. I could only imagine how others feel. Maybe it's just such a tiresome thing to be close to me that no one really wants to get too close anymore.

Or, the more likely reason is that my life changes so frequently, and for whatever reason I don't keep everyone up to date, I get embarrassed when I have to admit that I have failed. I hate not being able to follow through on my dreams, even though they are subject to change as the wind blows. I am a constant person on the important things, it's just what I want out of life that I am undecided. And while I'm not 100% sure about myself, or my dreams, I do know that I want to do something. I want to leave a legacy. Touch someone. BE someone.

To quote Chandler Bing, "The only way people would know if I were gone today would be by the ass print in this chair!"

I don't just want to leave an ass print. But I guess if I don't stick to things I don't earn the right to leave anything more than that. I need to incorporate time for the people I love into my life and honestly include them. I am tired of leaving people in the dark and having to play catch-up everytime I run into someone I haven't seen in weeks.

I just want to keep feeling like this. Feeling alive and spontaneous. I feel amazing and free and exciting. So what if I wait a little longer to go to school? So what if I want to leave in the middle of the night to go on an unplanned adventure? So what if I jump into everything with BOTH feet?

THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT ME:
-When I jump, I jump far.
-When I fall, I fall hard.
-When I go after something, I use my whole heart.
-And when I break, I crumble.

I have figured out that with me it's all or nothing.
"Balls to the wall" as my guy friends/cousins may say.

But it's those passions that keep me motivated to live each day. To the outside world I may not be living to the fullest, but the littlest decisions, which may seem stupid or rushed to some, are the most important to me, even if I haven't spent my whole life planning them. Sometimes the greatest things in life are unplanned.

Maybe it's okay not to have a map for every little thing.
I'm enjoying this crazy, unprepared, bumpy as hell, wonderful ride.

New Found Spontaneity.

This past weekend was full of adventure, excitement, and just plain fun.

That sentence [minus "This past weekend"] sounded a bit like the preface to a Disney movie, but whatever. I had a great weekend.

My weekend started off with a much needed girly date with one of my best friends and ended just how it should.

Me and my seasonal friend from a few months back had dinner. We gossiped a bit, because that's what girls do, and we enjoyed every minute of it.

After dinner we saw a movie, Leap Year. Absolutely, hands down, one of the best cutesy love stories I have seen in quite some time. Leap Year takes the Irish accent from P.S. I Love You and adds to it the edge-gripping, awe-feeling that The Notebook expresses through literature and the big screen. This could be why Leap Year will probably never surpass these two brilliant romances, but if those movies tie for first place, Leap Year is a very close second.

After the movie, we went to grab some hot chocolate at Starbucks. We could not have coffee since the little momma already maxed out her caffeine intake for the day. It was delicious, and hair free!

I dropped her off, and headed home. But by the time I got home, I had already decided to embark on a "grrrrand" adventure. [I'm quoting the Irishman in Leap Year, it's one of those "had to be there" things.] And while I am not comfortable disclosing all of the intimate details of the spontaneity that overtook who I usually am, I can tell you it was fun.

I went hiking for the first time in forever, even though I would be more inclined to call it trailing. Then, after having to leave to get back to my responsibilities of the adult world, I babysat twin boys. They are four year old handfuls. Beautiful boys and sneaky as ever. They gave me a run for my money, but once they fell asleep for the night, all of the running around was so so worth it.

I got home to a houseful of people excited that the Cowboys pulled out another win somehow. We are wanting them to go all the way to the Superbowl, but will it happen? Nobody knows.

Lazy Sunday came and went too fast if my opinion means anything, and since this is my blog I guess it means everything. So yes, it was way too fast.

However, no matter how much I plead for the weekend not to end, it's back to work for Monday. Long, hectic, crazy Monday. And while I work, I can't help but be distracted by so many other things that entertain my vivid imagination. For example, I am contemplating more tattoos. Tasteful as always. Most of you will think I am crazy for wanting more, seeing as I already have four, but hey...it's my body. And as long as I am happy about it, no one else's opinions really matter.

I don't assume any other examples are required at this time. Tattoos should be enough to hold my focus for a few days, hopefully.
Damn ADD.

I just love doing what I want to do, with nothing holding me back. No restrictions. Thinking and doing what I want, when I want to do it. Having the freedom to change my mind just because I feel like it. Taking off at the drop of a hat just to go somewhere. I guess my ADD is a blessing in disguise, if it even is ADD. I'm self diagnosed, so maybe I just use it as my excuse. Either way, what ever is making me tick and feel this alive, I don't want it to go away.

Living for me in 2010. It's a great feeling.

This Rhyme.

I'm not speeding up,
But I'm not slowing down.
I'm through building bridges
In this flat-landed town.

I wish to mentally stay here
Enjoying this moment in time.
Where all of my joys
Come from writing this rhyme.

The One with the Outline.

So much has happened in the last few days, my fingers can barely keep up. Today's post will consist of numerous bullets and numbers that break down things and make them more appealing to the eye.

I. School.

A. School has been a roller coaster for me for a few reasons.

--1. I have had a hard time deciding to go with my gut and just go after the major I have a passion for, regardless of what others say.
--2. Paying for school is not the easiest when you have no money, no credit, and no co signers.
--3. As if (1) and (2) weren't enough, I find it hard to get motivated to pursue things when the end result seems forever away. [My impatientence and ADD come into play a little here.]
--4. I am considering transferring, but I have yet to decide on where.

II. Being Healthy.

A. I can't just call it running anymore, because it has surpassed that point. Now, I do many things to keep in shape.

--1. I am eating better. Usually I have granola and yogurt for breakfast, a small healthy meal for lunch, and then post run I enjoy something full of yummy goodness.
--2. I am running. Not necessarily every day because the cold temperatures have reached lows that this part of Texas has not seen in my lifetime.
--3. My brother is my "personal trainer." He pushes me to work out with him. He does it every night anyway so I figured why not bond over something he enjoys? Plus, I will get to benefit in the end. It's a win-win situation.

III. Personal Life.

A. Things are actually beginning to pick up quite nicely in this department, and while I am not sure where it's going, or really what to say (because I know he reads this) I don't want to mess it up. So, for now, let's just say I am happy and I like being happy.

IV. UT v. Bama.

A. Yes, this gets it's own special Roman numeral because it is that big of a deal at my house. UT is huge deal to my sister and step-dad, and when you throw in an incredible SCC team like Alabama into the mix, well let's just say last night es no bueno en mi casa.

[These will be short]
--1. McCoy was hurt.
--2. They put in a true freshman, Gilbert, who was terrified and rightfully so.
--3. Ingram is a beast.
--4. The loss was devastating, but I am just happy McCoy will recover. Even if my sister doesn't.



And that is all, but I wish to depart on this one special note.

"It's 8 a.m. in the morning, and I'm walking towards the door.
Whether or not I've seen you here, I really can't be sure."

See What I See.

I don't do picture posts very often, but yesterday I had a semi-brilliant idea. I have made friends from all over, and most of them haven't been to my little nook of Texas. Or they haven't been back in a while. So, before I went for my run, I grabbed my camera and decided to do a makeshift documentary!

For those of you who wish to have a little more in depth view of my life, here is the first aspect I wish to share in detail for 2010: RUNNING.

It has become my passion, and even though it has been a love/hate relationship, running has become a huge part of my life. And sure, I am not that fast. I have to stop about every half or quarter mile, depending on the weather. I roll my ankles often because I run on the side of my road [which you will see in just a second]. But this year I am interested in doing things that liberate me. Things that throw me out of my cookie cutter five day workweek.

Be it running, thinking for myself, traveling, speaking what's on my mind, or just being spontaneous, I want to love my life. To me, loving something is just having the gumption to get out there and go for it. So I am going for it. I am running again.

Here are some things I see when I walk out of my house for my after work run:

[P.S.-Don't let me fool you, I only say "after work" because that is the time of day I run. I don't run in the mornings and don't intend to.]

The road [that was] less traveled.

Me getting ready to run with Mr. Buble' in the 28 degree weather.

Dedication? I think so.

My runner's legs covered in tights.

They need a little work.

I see the cemetery, which may be a little creepy, but it's so peaceful.

I thought this picture was beautiful,

because even in death there is life.

I wanted to get a picture to show that I have will power.

The smaller sign says "Bruno & George Winery."

The sun setting over the water tower and baseball park.

Though you can't see the ballpark, take my word that it's gorgeous at night.

Another sunset.

And me, ALL DONE!

In case you were wondering...

the run from my drive way to the very end of the street and back is roughly 1.9 miles.