I'm sitting here, in my bed. I am awake and it's 12:18 AM.
I have to be at work in less than 8 hours.
I am tired, but not sleepy. I cannot stop thinking.
My mind is like a small snowball at the top of a mountain.
Everything starts off small, but as the thought starts to tumble through other thoughts, down the hill and around the corner, it ends up being this great big jumble of thoughts that I am thinking. Never ending thoughts. I just want a little peace.
So for those of you who read this blog, I might as well fill you in.
I did go on my trip.
I went for a two hour car ride, to hop onto a combined six hour plane ride, to hop back into another car and go for another two hours just to face my worst fear thus far in my life. I have never been able to love with my whole heart. I gave a piece of it, no matter how small or large the piece was, to someone when I was young and stupid. And I was ready to either give the rest of it or get that piece back.
(I somehow fell really in love with a boy who over the last three years has morphed into a man. A wonderful man who is the exact same deep down, just a little rougher. Thank you U.S. Army and life experiences. We were friends first, even though from the first time I saw him in high school I had the biggest crush on him. He was a year older, a football player, and dated one of the prettiest girls in school...but back to the point. My senior year he and I started dating, but only a month before he left for the Army. I was manipulated into thinking I could not handle that kind of pressure, so I sent him a letter full of lies, explaining that I did not love him like I thought I did. He came home eventually and I so badly wanted him, but again, stupid me just thought I was doing him a favor by not giving him any strings that would tie him back to his God awful hometown. We stayed friends through each others relationships, break ups, and drunken nights. The whole time, then and now, I still get butterflies each time he calls or texts. I guess I held on this long because I never got closure. I really don't have a reason to have held on. He had moved on. I seemed like I had. We were growing up, apart.)
Back to my trip...After this day long transportation, I got to spend the evening with someone I would have walked all of those miles for. My heart goes out to him and he had no idea.
See, after traveling, and rekindling over small talk on the ride back to base from the airport, we had a wonderful night. It was probably the most fun I have ever had. I think it was because of all the built up anticipation. Anyway, I believed, in my narrow mind, that if he could just see me again. If we could have that night that maybe, somewhere deep down, he would rediscover what he used to feel, and feel it again.
I was wrong.
Not only does he not feel the same way about me, he hasn't for quite some time. He has gotten past it. He doesn't have the feelings. He doesn't care the way I would like him to. However, he does care in the greatest friend-way possible. After our first long day of packing then driving, we stop to get some sleep and after some good company, bad TV and yummy pizza, somehow he knew that I felt for him the way I did. I don't know, but it seemed obvious enough to him that you would have thought I had it written on my forehead. He asked, and I coyly denied it for a little while, but then when I realized I frustrated him, I gave in. I spilled my guts. I let it ALL out. Stupid, stupid girl.
He welcomed my explanation, combatted my reasonings for us being together, and then convinced me why it would be such an atrocious idea. He said we are friends, close friends. He cares about me. He shows he cares by not letting me get close to him. He said that if I got close, I would only get hurt and he doesn't want to hurt me. I know he is right, but I can't help but cry.
Even though it's dark, he again just knows. We know each other all too well.
I cry, and even though it hurts to admit it, that conversation brought me the most unsettling kind of closure. But still I cry. I feel that it was my fault we never made it where we should have. I wish I could go back and just see how it might be now if things were different then. If I hadn't ruined everything. This is possibly the hardest thing I have ever come to terms with in my life. It's even harder than someone close to me dying, because in a way part of me has.
I will never get that back. Ever. No questions asked. I screwed it up years ago, and he built a wall that not even he can or wants to find a way through to get back to me.
He said if it's one thing he has learned in his relationship experience, it's never to give second chances. I hate that bitch for teaching him that. Just because she doesn't deserve one doesn't mean I should be grouped in with her.
That is just the young, bitter side of me voicing opinions.
If it's one thing that I have learned from him and all of this, I can really do anything. I need to take care of myself because no one else will. I need to make sure my wall stays up until someone who really pushes hard enough may break it down. I know now that getting over someone is a necessary evil. And even though it's hard as hell, I can do it. I have pretty much done the majority of it already. It was just that final closure part.
And that was the smart, mature side.
I love that he is my friend, and a very good friend at that. And even though we are just friends, I wouldn't trade or change anything that has happened up until now. It was a learning experience. One that is still teaching me and will continue to teach me until I have mastered the art of the games we, as adults and members of a functioning society, play.
I guess this is just the wheel of the world, the way the snow rolls on down the hill.
I'm just going to have to "Put my boots on and get over it."