So, over the last few days I have tried to decide how to exactly put what I went through this weekend into words. It is VERY uncharacteristic of me to not know what to say, or at least make up something to say just to suffice the silence. But this weekend was different. I was, for once in my life, speechless.
This weekend was the weekend.
If you pay attention, then you know what that means.
If not, then let me clue you in..
This weekend, had I not screwed things up, I would have stopped being a Miss, and became a Mrs.
Reality checks are hard enough when you have to experience them, but this particular spawn of evil just made me cry uncontrollably. No words, not even sounds. Just tears and sobbing. Realizing, at 5:51 in my Jeep, driving home from work, that in nine minutes I would not be meeting with my girls at the church.
I would not be stressing out about whether or not it would look right, or if someone would be late. I would not be going over and over and over again in my head "right foot, left foot, right foot..." so that I would not trip in my gorgeous dress. I would not even get the opportunity to put my dress on. I would not be a Mrs. I would not get to go to the fabulous party after with all of my friends taking pictures and watching us have our first dance as "the bride and groom".
No honeymoon suite, no honeymoon.
To everyone else, this was just another Saturday before Christmas. And while they were wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, I was crushed. This is why it doesn't feel like the holidays to me. And while this is all my fault, and I get that, I just wish I hadn't called it off. Assuming that the statement "Everything happens for a reason." is true, than this was for the best. I hope that it's true, for my sanity's sake.
This is a difficult topic for me to discuss. Not the above topic, as hard as it is to talk about, I have come to terms with it. The following topic is even harder.
I never in my life have had regrets. Some say I act too hastily, but it's only because once I know what I want, I go after it. And I do so whole-heartedly. There were people that did not think the wedding should happen 7 months after the engagement, but to those people I would now like to say, I believe that was too long. When given the chance, I get scared. I let stupid, ignorant people and their stupid, ignorant opinions get the better of me. I let what they think matter more to me that what I think. But not anymore.
If there is one thing I have learned from this mess is that I need to make myself happy, and not care what other people think about it. It is hard though, especially when the people that are frowning upon what you are doing think they are doing what's best for you, and they think they conceal it well. But they don't. The people closest to me, with the exception of my dad, are terrible liars. I mean absolutely atrocious at lying. Err, I'm sorry, concealing their emotions to "protect me".
I wish that I had never called it off. I wish that I could go back in time, realize what I have realized now, and just slapped myself...or something. I wish I could undo what I have done, and I wish I hadn't spent my whole life trying to make other people happy.
But I can't now. There are no time machines in life, but luckily there are second chances if you find someone gracious enough.
Only time will tell.