Monday, January 25, 2010

New Things To Come.

I am excited about so many things right now!

I am becoming an adult, and while I'm experiencing many growing pains along the way, I am enjoying myself probably more than I should.

- I have started seeing an improvement on the bills that I am slowly but surely paying off.
- I am joining a book club! [ ]
- I am baking something for the greater good at the Haiti Online Bake Sale! [ see widget ]
- I got a semi-promotion.
- I am learning patience.
- I have made a decision to be healthier, and stuck with it.
- I have made a point to be around my family more, and followed through.
- My book's plot is starting to take shape.
- I am investing in the best decisions for my adult life, not just for what I want right now.
[ SEE Patience ]

Everything is starting to look up. I find myself MANY times a day realizing that I am happier now than I have been since childhood.

I can't remember a time in my life where I was actually afraid of sadness. I lived in it for so long, I didn't even realize I was there. Now I do. I realize where I was and how far I've come. I still have a long way to go, but I'm on track.

To most I will probably still seem like a bubbly cheerleader. Those people have only known me for 5-7 years, if that. [ Excluding my family, I tend not to have very long term relationships. ] In that short period of time, I am the same person these people have always known on the outside. Most don't know the gloom of the inside and that is my fault. I don't like for people to know the inner workings of stressful torment I bring on myself.

But the inside matches the outside now.

As much as I have always resented the people who wear their feelings on their sleeves, I realize now that being emotionally fragile is much healthier than building up a wall not even a 3 year relationship can break down.

There is something liberating in introducing your true self to people you have known for years.

Just walking up to your best friend for 5+ years and saying:
"Hey there, remember how we went to high school? How we have been friends for so long and we shared so many things, well I kinda lied. Deep down I'm not the girl you've always known, I'm better. I have the ability to prioritize correctly. I know what I want out of life. And even though it's a bit deceiving, seeing as how I even thought you knew me all these years, I never even knew myself. I'm sorry I haven't been fair to you, but I am being 100% up front now. My name is Jessica and I'm brand new."

Of course, I wouldn't really say that, but my two best friends read this and they will know what I mean.

I can't express how much I love this feeling.

And yes, I'm temperamental at times, I seldom am able to choose a restaurant, I hate being around a bunch of people I don't know, crowded areas make me nervous, I thrive in places when I feel confident, and usually that confidence is derived from an outfit of cotton shorts and a high school t shirt, this is the real me now.

I can be very hard to handle or hold onto, but I like to think I'm worth it in the long run.

Just ask my BFF's.

Just a side note: I know I refer to "the real me" often, but that's only because I just found me, and it's new, and I love it! I named this blog on impulse and never imagine it would be this fitting.