Friday, October 30, 2009
Going out every night was getting exhausting, then I was reminded of a very important point:
"You will get all the sleep you need when you're dead."
-Thank you to my dear friend, Mr. A&M.
I was exhausted, and getting sick, but I pushed through it. After an hour and a half power nap post-8 hour work day, I was rejuvenated! I, energetically, got up, got ready, and had fun last night.
I went to a local bar. Even though it is pretty pointless to, being that I'm 20, but still. Some friends and I got together prior to going out. They made dinner and we just sat and talked for hours. Those girls will never know how much I needed that.
After everyone got ready, we drove in the pouring rain to our destination.
It was a blast.
Everyone was drunk by the time we got there. And that makes for GREAT entertainment.
I think I am starting to love this town after all. As small as it is, it is really starting to take a liking to me, and I am having fun returning the favor.
I saw everyone I wanted to, and some I didn't. Overall it was super fun.
Not to mention I got walked to my car at the end of the night under my small umbrella.
Nothing beats a first kiss in the rain. <3
He is great. I can't help but smile every time I think about last night. I love this feeling.
(And as much as I love seeing people out that don't approve of my situation, I am learning to live my life according to my standards and do what makes me happy. It's a really great change.)
Now, to wrap up a bit, the moral of this story is that college kids can run on Ramen noodles and 3 hours of sleep a night. We are the future, and you should be very afraid.
Oh, and P.S.- Tomorrow is Halloween and I am dressing up for the first time in my life! I am going to be a Regal Queen. The Queen of Halloween. It combines all of my favorites: the color purple, animal print, and authority. Bring on my royal subjects.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Last night on the way home, and then again this morning I had the best mini paragraphs, word for word, planned out in my head. And as soon as something took my attention away from it, my thoughts remain permanently lost. That is why I think I should write short stories instead of a novel.
Too many ADD thoughts running through this brain.
I have also recently realized that if you don't pay attention to signals your body sends you, you will pay the consequences. I have been feeling yuck for about 3-4 days now. I have so many things I have to do and participate in. My body is saying slow down, but my mind is telling it to just wait until after Halloween.
Last night, on the way home I saw four deer during my long drive down the infamous dark HWY 105. Four of them. Scattered over a few miles, but they all looked so peaceful.
I ended up driving home, my long 40 minute drive, without even having any music playing at all.
I was just enjoying where I was, emotionally, physically, everything.
Happiness is a really great thing.
-My friends and I are closer than I have ever been to them.
-I am enjoying EVERY aspect of my life right now. (Even the sick part, believe it or not.)
-I LOVE my job, even though it stresses me out.
-My family is all healthy and happy for the most part.
-And there's this boy... <3
I couldn't see how this could get better.
I want it to stay this way, pretty please.
P.S.-Updates about the boy to come.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
This is not a written pity party. I actually feel this way. I believe every word. I am not fishing for sympathy or empathy. I am simply stating facts.
I used to be obsessed with love, being in a relationship, and what not. Since I was 16, and allowed to date, I have not been single for longer than a month. My step dad used to tell me if a guy liked me, I would give him a chance. Secretly hinting at the fact that I had low self esteem and in turn must be desperate for love, affection, acceptance, etc.
I have realized in the last few days that that isn't good for me or anyone that I cross paths with that may or may not take an interest in me. I can't resist attention. I like it. Everyone likes it. It's human nature. But I don't want to hurt anyone else that may house potential feelings for me.
Therefore I am making this proclamation. I will not again, (any time soon, because I never say never) tell ANYONE that I love them, unless I already have in the past. I can't fall in love again. Not only for my sake, but for the sake of my potential victim.
I seem to do nothing constructive in relationships. I hurt people, and that's all I seem to be good for.
My friend imparted some valuable wisdom upon me this morning:
"If you always hurt the people close to you, you will never be happy."
But even though I may not be happy, I do feel a little better knowing I won't make anyone elses life miserable. I am an optimist turned cynic.
I really want someone to brave this, a strong knight in shining armor to ride up and prove me wrong. I dare him.
Friday, October 23, 2009
I am able to cross off four items.
8. Buy a one-way ticket somewhere
So this was accomplished by me going to see my Army man-friend. I will be flying there and then driving back with him so he does not have to drive it alone. We are making a road trip out of it, which leads me to my next item to cross off.
11. Take a road trip
I have already taken a road trip once this month, so that I may cross it off my list. A good guy friend of mine and I went down to Corpus Christi, and drove back but not before detouring to San Antonio. It was great fun. This upcoming road trip, however, will be much longer and spanning over about six states and three days. I CAN NOT WAIT!!
15. Go in Target, and spend nothing
I figured that this, by far, would be the hardest thing for me to accomplish on my list. Well, aside from the infamous #25 (Keep myself from falling too hard for anyone). But it really wasn't. I didn't plan on not spending money. I went in to look. Found a few shirts I liked. But when I went to check out, I put them back. That is some strong will power, let me just tell you.
21. Go camping
And this one, well I half way did it. I realized that this was stupid to put on my list because I will never actually sleep outside. I did go to a campsite with some friends. We made hot dogs with zig zaggy mustard, s'mores, and took lots of pictures. But when it got to be about 2 a.m. I was exhausted and cranky. I did not want to sleep in a damp tent/truck bed. But this is as close as I am going to get to completing this so, I am crossing it off of my list.
On a way more excited note, I can't wait for this weekend. Get ready for a lengthy recap on Monday morning!!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Well there is no more married life, and definitely no need for a serious career right now...especially when there are so many wonderful things I want to do.
I put in my application at this new chic, up and coming bar/grill/steakhouse and had an interview today. I got the job!
I was nervous about giving my two weeks notice, especially since Mary just left two weeks ago and he has still yet to fill her position. Her's was more tidious, but it's whatever. That's neither here nor there. Lola and I had lunch a few days ago, and I swung by just to pick up and application. Well, that turned into turning in the application, which led to an interview, that turned into a job!
I am so excited because it is much more laid back than this high stress situation I have found myself in. The only downside was breaking the news to my great boss. He, coincidentally, called me into his office for a raise. He knew I was leaving though, he could tell on my face. That, and because I had been talking about it off and on since the ex and I split.
I told him:
"I want to travel. If I stay here I will only stay here and that's not what I want. I need to figure out my life. And when I go back to school in the spring I need a less high profile job. School needs to come first."
(I knew that last sentence would bag and tag my double-bachelor degree earning boss.)
"I understand. You are a great employee. If you decide in 6 months or whatever that you haven't accomplished what you wanted to, come see me. I would rehire you on the spot. You are one of the best employees I have ever had. You are driven and obsessive compulsive and can multi-task. And that is very important to me."
Today could not have taken a turn for the better in any greater possible way.
So now I am:
-NC -Thanksgiving week
-TN -Christmas time/ish (hopefully)
-NY -whenever NJ has a 5k suitable for me and Heather :)
Yay for following through with my life.
School in the spring.
Trips planned galore.
My life is getting on track.
Need I ask for more?
Yes, I know that rhymed.
Today I am a little frustrated. Yesterday, while sitting in line at the bank I thought of the most amazing topic to cover that would probably retrieve close to one hundred comments, in turn would catch the eye of some big writer executive somewhere, and thus forth would launch my career. But thank you ADD brain for allowing me to be distracted, and now I am back to square one.
No awesome blog.
No future writing career set in stone.
Not even the satisfaction of "Hey, I remembered that!"
Oh well, the pitter patter of the rain just keeps egging me on to push myself in the direction of a great story. Now I just have to sit in one place, and focus on one thing long enough so that maybe, just maybe, I can be great one day. I want greatness. I want everything. Everything and greatness. Is that too much to ask?
"I seem to want everything too much." -Rachel, from Glee's episode last night
By the way, I love Glee. It's kind of dorky, and that's ok for me. It makes me feel better about my life. I do believe that if I went to high school there I could have gotten a slushie facial pretty much daily. But that's beside the point.
My best friend (one of two, next to my seasonal friend from a few posts back) wrote something today on her Facebook, and I think it is definitely mention-worthy. We will just call her Lola, because that used to be her nickname anyway.
"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."
Now, I am not sure if she wrote this, but it sure made me think.
I don't want to admit that I have no courage, but I like the shore. I think that the shore is awesome, and that if it got me this far, it should stay in my sights. But I want to cross the ocean.
I am torn.
Ocean crossing possibilities? Yes.
Shore sight losing? Hmmm, maybe.
Courage? Not so much.
I don't even have the courage to act on what I know I want, and have wanted, for the last 3-4 years of my life. Everything has revolved around this, and the funny thing is, not even my closest, best friends know.
Reverting back to yesterday. The heart wants what it wants. The mind is what makes it confusing. Gosh I hate my mind right now.
Too bad the one person I want to read this the most, won't.
And the rain. Damn that pitter patter.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
This sister has not been a sister of mine for my whole life. Well, technically she has I just didn't find her until I needed her. She is an amazing girl, fellow writer, and one of the most well-rounded people I know.
Her quote on her Facebook status this morning said:
"The heart is always right-- if there's a question of choosing between the mind and the heart-- because mind is a creation of the society. It has been educated. You have been given it by the society, not by existence. The heart is unpolluted."-Osho
"I have a question though...My heart always wants what it can't seem to get. Why is that? :( "
So, she says:
"nope, that's your mind thinking you can't get it.. your heart says you can :) "
Lately, it has been a struggle to see exactly what I want.
After my unengagement, my life's goals became much more clear. Here lately, I seem to allow things and people cloud the air in my mind's atmosphere.
My goals post-non wedding:
-Take better care of myself
-Get all of my financial things in order
-Figure out what I want to do with my life.
That last one has been my heavy struggle. I can't seem to figure out what I want out of life. I know that I am destined for greatness in one way or another, but which way?
Just food for thought. Yummy food!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Today, I am working. I am doing my best to refrain from all that is not considered work.
Obviously I am lacking the most important ingredient of refrain, will power.
Oh well, besides this, twittering, facebooking, and streaming audio from my favorite artists on my desktop, I am totally and completely...100% focused.
--Oh look a squirrel.
They should not have put me next to the huge window at work today. It is just way too beautiful outside. How will I ever get ANYTHING done?
I just realized that I am pretty much obsessed with my new routine.
I LOVE love LOVE organization.
7:20- Wake up
7:30- Leave for work (yes, I only take 10 minutes to get ready)
12:00-1:00- Lunch break
6:30-6:45- Shower, figure out dinner
6:45-? - Eat, and then whatever
Yesterday I ran/walked, but mostly ran for the better part of TWO miles! And for all you athletic divas out there eating your healthy food, running marathons, and being awesome...well I'm not there yet, but I plan to be by next summer. I decided it's pointless to try and diet, but the more and more I thought about it, I do need a stress relief.
I want a stress relief.
I love my iPod.
I immensely enjoy time alone.
I want to get healthier.
I live on a nearly secluded street.
Hey, maybe I should run!! So I started last week. I ran every other day last week, a total of twice because I ran on Tuesday (and again on Thursday). This week I am pushing for every day. I am so excited. And the weather is just perfectly perfect for it. Crisp, cool, football season with miniature child teams practicing in the open field on my run way.
Hey run way...runway. It's like I'm a model. Haha, anywho..I should probably get focused.
Ok, back to work.
Ooooh. And speaking of an inability to focus, I am so very excited about my trip to good ol' NC coming up in November. I am thinking of planning a trip to TN sometime in late December.
Yay for fun trips. I just love to travel, especially when there is a promise of a good friend at the end of the road.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Friday night - I got my nights mixed up, so instead of attending a friend of mine's 21st birthday party, I went out with another group of friends to a bar to celebrate my friend's husband's 23rd birthday.
--We still had a blast but I am pretty sad I missed that animal print drinking bash.
Saturday day- I cleaned all the live long day. I went through box after box. Unpacking and hanging up things. I actually got to the point where I wanted to hang something on the wall so badly, but found myself without a hammer, I used the end of a hairbrush! That's good girl innovation if there ever was any.
Saturday night - I went to eat sushi with a close friend and his brother and sister. We ate quite a bit...well one of us did. After, his brother thought it would be a good idea to go walk around the mall. And it was. We went from store to store looking at all kinds of things. I even tried something at this Asian drink shop, "Cha Cha Teahouse", called Watermelon Juice. And generally, I do not go anywhere near anything with Watermelon in the flavoring title, or Grape, but this was amazing. It was made with actual watermelons and it was fabulous. I tried his sister's Watermelon Juice, but I was stubborn, prior to tasting it, and stuck with my Mocha Slushie with Tapioca..which was also quite delicioso.
Later Saturday night - We dropped the siblings off at his house and went to enjoy the great outdoors. We loaded the car, met at a haunted gas station, and left to embark on a huge piece of slightly cleared land. We roasted hot dogs, used zig-zagging mustard, made s'mores, and told stories. It was just a blast. Way too much fun for 7 people and a German Shepard to have in the middle of nowhere.
Sunday (Funday) - I woke up, had a little dose of morning cartoons with the little brother, and then we went across the street to the local elementary school to play on the swing set. And if any of you out there think that they are not meant for the 20+ crowd, you are wrong. After, I cleaned up and a few of us went to eat at a Mexican restaurant in town. Upon returning to my house, that good friend from Friday's dance party night, and Saturday's sushi night and camp out, brought bicycles over and we trekked down to the hike and bike trail where we rode for 8 miles. It was amazing.
Later Sunday - We ate potato salad, gumbo, and cookie dough truffles. Then sat out by a bonfire where we sipped hot chocolate and again, roasted marshmallows.
Needless to say this was an eventful weekend.
Come on Friday.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Today is such a beautiful day. The beginning of a cold front came in last night, and will be finishing tonight. Tomorrow is going to be in the 50's! And for those of you who don't know, Texas does not have but two seasons...really hot and kinda cold. They are interchangeable at times.
Last year we had a cold front one night, the next day it snowed, and by the end of our first snow day in 30 years it was in the upper 70's.
I started out my morning by being exhausted and not wanting to wake up, but then I realized IT'S FRIDAY!!...and then everything got better. So far my morning chores have consisted of, but are not limited to: running to the bank, going to the post office, waiting in line a the post office (gosh I loathe that place), working, cleaning up the work kitchen, putting away work groceries, and spending another 7 hours here...in a cleverly decorated corporate jail surrounded by customers who don't know their head from their ass.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
There are 8,760 hours in one year.
If you work a 40 hour week, you work roughly 2,080 hours in one year.
That means only 6,680 hours per year are for things other than work.
Conclusion. We work about 25% of our lives.
When I got to work, I realized one of my co-worker's last day was today. She is retiring. She wants to spend time with her beautiful grandchildren and her sister. She says they are planning a road trip. Busting a right from Texas, through Florida, and all the way up to see her other sister in Maine. Possibly making a pit stop in North Carolina to see her brother.
Before she left, she made her final good-byes known in letter form to each of us individually.
You are a wonderful person. You have a heart as big as any I've seen. You have dreams and look to the future with a smile. One day I hope to sit down and read your books.
You will go many places in your life, but never forget where you came from.
It is hard to believe that my coffee-making friend will not be here in the morning when I get to work. She was always the first one here in the morning. Always had a smile on her face.
It makes me happy that her family will get to see more of it, even if we have to see less.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I have been blogging for roughly a week now, and the best blogging-related thing has happened to me! Aside from somehow managing to have 2 followers (yay!), I am being featured on someone elses blog!!!
This girl named Heather is a very dear friend of mine. She took me under her wing, when all I wanted to do was move out. She let me live with her, and together, we battled boys, bills, doctors, more boys, and Target! She is the person that I really started my adult life out with.
She taught me so many neat values, like:
-When decorating for Halloween, if you let Heather decorate it will be decorated in full force!
-Friends is an addiction, one most people cannot resist!
-It's really ok to be yourself, because true friends will not judge you.
-New things are scary, but REALLY rewarding if you do it right.
-Calendars are a MUST!
-Love is truly a battlefield, but if you have a cup of coffee, a journal, and a comfy bed...nothing can hurt you!
...My list could go on and on.
This amazing girl has featured me in her blog, http://thenheathersaid.blogspot.com and I think this may be one of the most thrilling days of my life. I know I must be a real nerd, because when I went over to her page and saw my writing I literally squeaked for joy!
(Yes, I squeak sometimes when my excited emotions get the better of me.)
Anyway, please read it! She is amazing. I love her dearly.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Today is not a good day.
Today is sick. My stomach is sick. The weather here looks as if it has the flu. The atmosphere at my work is dreary and sickly. Everything seems to be sick today. Ergo my conclusion, it is not a good day.
And so the saying goes, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." And while that may be fine for the optimists of the world, today that is not me. Today, I think, should be a lemon day, but instead of lemonade, I would like to make a citrus martini. That is about all of the lemony goodness I can stand right now.
I have been having writer's block for the last 20 or so hours, and I am about to go crazy. There are so many things I want to write about, but for the sake of those who read, I dare not.
How are people supposed to go through life knowing exactly what they want the whole time? I have a friend that does, and it blows my mind. There are so many different possibilities out there, how can someone have one single goal and then full-speed ahead go after it? It really does not make any sense to me.
Now if you are one of those people I am very sorry if I have thrown you for a loop. I do not want to discourage you for pursuing that which I have not achieved yet, even though I would love to know what I really want, I am afraid I will never find it. I am so indecisive, it is kind of nerve-wracking. I always manage to hurt the ones around me, because of my incessant mind changing.
It is all I can do to sit here and blab on and on about what is not really real.
Sitting here typing, that's real.
Thinking, well that is questionable.
Making decisions, that requires thinking, so again...questionable.
But this. Here and now is real. Me sitting at my desk, wanting to get out of this job, this city, and this life. That is really real. I just wish I could make up my mind and pick a lane, choose a path, make a decision, even if it scares the shit out of me, and just freakin do it.
I wanna be like Nike.
That "Help" song by The Beatles is replaying itself in my head.
My dream, if I choose to accept it, is to move to a large town. New York perhaps. Become a writer, get a degree if I so wish, and live my life doing what I want to do. Should I choose to accept it, I must complete it before I fall in love again. Because if not, that will cause self destruction in T-Minus _____ days/months/years.
I have the ability to go "to infinity, and beyond."
But the question is, do I really want to?
The sad part is, only I know. And I don't know.
Monday, October 12, 2009
I thought about everything, except my work, today. I think I am going to start my book soon. I am getting together some pretty neat plot ideas. At least I think so.
The one that sticks out the most, now don't laugh, is kinda corny:
A woman wants to write out her life's story, even though she is only in her thirties. So she hires a young writer to help her illustrate her life through words. The main character, "the woman", is from some high class town with lots of old money. The young writer someone who has put their college life on hold to travel and pursue his/her dreams. He just wants to freelance write.
The writer is hoping that writing this book will make him an accredited writer in his own light.
The woman wants only to be remembered and loved.
It could turn into a love story, but I don't know yet.
My words will not quite do it justice, but I will try.
This weekend, I stood in attendance for one of my best friend's weddings. It was small, quaint, and very romantic. With a mere 30 people, maximum, we all watched as two people's lives change forever.
Later, I began our road trip, and while the majority of the details will not be expressed in words to protect certain parties, it was amazing. We drove for what seemed like an hour, but in reality was closer to four or five.
We talked and laughed, just relaxed. We ate some really interesting food, I learned a little Spanish. I rode in a questionable elevator. I also learned how to make fun of people only using the words "uh huh" and "cool". We listened to all kinds of music. And I do mean all kinds. He had me listening to The Steve Miller Band, Bob Marley, Kings of Leon, and George Strait, interspersed with some random 60's, 70's, and 80's tunes. The inventor of the iPod and iTunes should rest happy, one single radio station will never again suffice mankind.
We had a terrific time, and while neither of us wanted it to end, it had to. I pointed out before returning home that Monday (today) was Columbus Day, and we could just stay because we were probably off. Neither of us really were.
I am so glad I got this weekend for many reasons, but here is a blog related one.
I can scratch #11 off of my list.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
7 am on a Friday morning and 8 more hours of work, plus 1 hour of getting ready and another 1 hour of lunch (boredom). In case you are slow on this Friday morning or may not work in this lovely corporate world, that is 10 more hours. TEN.
I get to work, and usually Friday's are laid back, but my boss has an appointment at 9 this morning with a client. So he is here, blaring his music and distracting me from my morning blog. How dare he. Just kidding, but seriously.
So I am still counting down from this 10 hour process, right now I am at 8 hours and 20 minutes. I can do it. I usually am not this antsy at work, or in the morning, but this weekend has potential, unlike many others I have had in the past.
Yesterday at work, someone, (and you will probably be able to guess who), decided it would be of the utmost intelligence and respect to drop six boxes off of my things next to my car.
Did he come in to my place of business to make me aware of the garage sale practically going on next to my SUV in our parking lot? No.
Instead, I am assuming (because the mid morning dew had set in) about an hour after having his unloading party, one of my morning clients walks in and asks "Um, do you have an ex boyfriend you pissed off?" And I laughed a little, and asked, "Why?". He replies, "Well someone dropped off some stuff outside next to your car."
I walk outside, to find just that. While I am trying to fit these boxes into my car, the one at the base of the pile is excruciatingly heavy. Just then, my boss pulls up. Early again, who knows why. He sees me, even though I am leaning into my car hoping that I will blend in. He comes over, I explain the situation. He has to help me lift the final box into my car.
That is how my yesterday started. I did not write about it yesterday for fear that I may not have been this nice about it.
After explaining this, is much less detail, to a very good friend of mine, I close my story with "I need to get out of here."
He replies, "Out of work, or out of town?"
I say, "Both."
He then progresses to plan a road trip, invites me, and we are going to get the hell outta dodge this weekend. Turning off phones (at least I am), no Facebook, nothing. I just want to get away.
My best friend, one of two, is getting married Saturday, and then "We are hauling ass and not looking back, until Monday."
That is why I continue to count down, 7 hours and 54 minutes, until the weekend.
That is when my fun, and release begins.
That is when I can let go and just be free from dumb things of drama.
7 hours and 52 minutes until then.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
mentally, physically, emotionally..
I really need help.
I want to do so many things but:
-my mind moves too fast for me to process them,
-my body can't keep up with my mind, and
-my heart surpasses both my mind and body, leaving it in the dust.
Which brings me to the conclusion that I will continue to travel in this vicious circle and that is why I posted this.
I need help.
I believe my situation could be best described as Attention Deficit/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
25 in 365
1. Go 6 months without cutting my hair
2. Get a paycheck and put half in savings
3. Sing in a kareoke bar
4. Buy a stranger a cup of coffee
5. Go to an airport and hop on the first plane pulling out
6. Start writing a book
7. Go a week without wearing any makeup
8. Buy a one-way ticket somewhere
9. Go to The Vattican
10. Figure out what I want to do, career wise
11. Take a road trip
12. Have a birthday party with more than 10 in attendance
13. Stick to my list at the grocery store
14. Collect money for a charity
15. Go in Target, and spend nothing
16. Get one more tattoo
17. Play football
18. Write a letter
19. Buy an expensive bottle of wine
20. Go to an outdoor movie
21. Go camping
22. Attend a major league baseball game
23. Make cupcakes from scratch
24. Serve dinner at a soup kitchen
25. Keep myself from falling too hard for anyone
All of our lives revolve around ourselves because that is our comfort zone. Here lately I have been sidestepping the boundaries of the before said zone, and it is really scary.
----> About to open up, please pay attention.
After breaking off the wedding, I didn't know what I wanted because when I said yes to his proposal, the rest of my life had already been decided for me. I would wake up in the morning, go to work, come home from work only to make dinner for the two of us, do some wifely chores, and then sleep. Wake up the next morning, repeat.
For those of you who think I am a bad person for backing out on my word, I really am not. I made a spur of the moment answer when I was caught up in a life that I thought I wanted. But I didn't. It is not fair to him that I did this, and I regret every day making him feel as badly as I think he does. I have tried so hard to accept the wife role over the last four months, but there is something in me that wants more.
I want to get out of my comfort zone. I want to branch out and touch something extraordinary. I want to make something happen for myself, please myself, pick one of my crazy dreams and actually plan it out and follow through. Because, as together and strong as I may make myself out to be, I am really not. I pride myself on being together and a firm decision maker, but what most people don't see is that my decisions change as often as I change my underwear. No, wait...a little more often than that.
A friend of mine yesterday described me as a "free spirit". I had never thought of myself that way. She said, "You are the type of person who could hop on a plane and go somewhere, just because you want to. And hell, if it didn't work out, you would come back home and try again later."
She is right.
I want to hop on a plane. My life's dream, as far-fetched as it may be, is to be like Carrie in Sex and the City. Travel to New York, become a writer, become successful (which in turn allows me to buy mulitple pairs of shoes) and fall in love with my Mr. Big.
Until my epiphany this morning, I never really thought I had it in me to go anywhere for longer than a weekend, but I think if I want to I can. It is scary and crazy, but I can. And I will.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
People have always said that I am never at a loss for words, but how often do my words actually mean something? I mean sure, words in general can either be pointless or heavily meaningful, but that doesn't mean just because I am always talking that my words are of the highest importance.
I feel like this is going to be an amazing journey for me. Finally able to voice all of the thoughts surrounding my head and putting them out there and giving complete strangers the option to read them. Part of me hopes that no one will ever follow, that way I can build humility, but the boastful part of me (and perhaps the larger part) wants people to read, follow, and become enthralled with my life. Because, as interesting as I may make it out to be, it is not.
I live in a small town, and for the sake of safety, I will call it Smithville. That is the most generic name I can think of for the town that has given me nothing but judgement and boredom, with the exception of some of my family and close friends.
I am brutally honest. I say things as they are, and sometimes I lie. I sometimes say things as I wish they could be. I am self-diagnosed as an ADD/OCD moody young woman who longs for something more. I am afraid of some things, but usually, more than anything I am just wanting to make an impression on someone. Anyone. I want to be known as someone unique, and while blogging isn't unique anymore, I fear this need for attention may be the death of me.
I am stealing this quote from my dear friend, Heather.
"But I'm not. We're not. I am still a Miss and we are no longer a 'we'. "
I want something more, but not that something. I called off my wedding, and I will get into that more on another day. It seems like no matter how much more I want, I'm never satisfied. One day I will be though. I will be so satisfied with my life that I will be perfectly content and self sufficient.
I long for that day.