Monday, October 26, 2009

A Proclamation Among Blogs.

"Oh, the weather outside is frightful." The dreary atmosphere of my small town cannot help but remind me of the inner workings of a Poe short story. The ghastly clouds and roaring winds are just perfect for the setting of today's topic.

This is not a written pity party. I actually feel this way. I believe every word. I am not fishing for sympathy or empathy. I am simply stating facts.

I used to be obsessed with love, being in a relationship, and what not. Since I was 16, and allowed to date, I have not been single for longer than a month. My step dad used to tell me if a guy liked me, I would give him a chance. Secretly hinting at the fact that I had low self esteem and in turn must be desperate for love, affection, acceptance, etc.

I have realized in the last few days that that isn't good for me or anyone that I cross paths with that may or may not take an interest in me. I can't resist attention. I like it. Everyone likes it. It's human nature. But I don't want to hurt anyone else that may house potential feelings for me.

Therefore I am making this proclamation. I will not again, (any time soon, because I never say never) tell ANYONE that I love them, unless I already have in the past. I can't fall in love again. Not only for my sake, but for the sake of my potential victim.

I seem to do nothing constructive in relationships. I hurt people, and that's all I seem to be good for.

My friend imparted some valuable wisdom upon me this morning:
"If you always hurt the people close to you, you will never be happy."

My reply:

But even though I may not be happy, I do feel a little better knowing I won't make anyone elses life miserable. I am an optimist turned cynic.

I really want someone to brave this, a strong knight in shining armor to ride up and prove me wrong. I dare him.

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