I finally dug deep.
I started drawing things from within. I decided I didn't want to wait on depression to strike, I wanted to be able to find motivation from myself while I was happy. That was the challenge I put my writing up to this week.
It wasn't until late last night that I was stressing about SO many things, when I had a savior send me a great comment. I mean like the chill bumps all over, "Oh my God, she's right?!" sort of feeling.
My Facebook status last night: Jessica Yates has so much on her mind that sleep right now is no where near an option.
I was commented by one of my oldest friend's moms. Who is actually one of my mom's oldest friends. She said: Meditate on happy thoughts...cant do anything about anything till tomorrow so you might as well have sweet dreams.
I realized she was so right. It was as simple as that. I make my life WAY more complicated than it needs to be. Had I not taken this new initiative, accompanied by a new outlook on life, I would have blown past this cliche' comment. But I couldn't. It really made me think that if I hadn't started my year the way I did 2010 would already be 100 times different.
[ How? Well, I would have said yes on New Year's Eve. I would have caved to peer pressure the weekend following my favorite holiday. I wouldn't have texted him that message and embarked on what may be considered my first real spontaneous adventure. I wouldn't have the patience I have. I wouldn't trust like I do. I wouldn't have the pride in myself I am told I should have had my whole life. I wouldn't be me. ]
This year is refreshing on so many levels because I'm not afraid to be who I want to be anymore. When I say I'm not walking on eggshells, I'm not. Just ask my friends and family. I love this feeling and even though it kick started back in November [a thank you goes out to one of my best guy friends who is self described as an "asshole"], I have really embraced it with the new year.
So after listening to her last night, I figured why not. Why shouldn't I meditate on the things that make me happy instead of dwelling on the things I cannot change right then?
Her baby shower can't be planned when most of the world is sleeping. Class can't be paid for at midnight. Money can't be made while I'm laying in my bed. My clients wouldn't answer their phones if I called them. Studying was an option, but after taking a test nine times, I was not studying at that hour. Other people's marital problems can NEVER be solved by me. Even Sweden got to sleep.
I started thinking about nice things, happy things. [Like getting to help TWO friends work on things for TWO different newspapers, both of which will publish some of my edits :) ] Things I couldn't wait to do. [Like traveling :) ] Things I am ready to do and will do because of the before mentioned "How?".
After meditating on pleasant and forgetting sad and depressing situations that would usually overtake me and keep me awake at 11:30 p.m., I realized the plot for my book.
It dawned on me like this crazy ray of sunshine through my pitch black window. I jotted it all down, even though I contemplated not moving because I was just so darn comfortable. I knew if I didn't put it on paper, I would NEVER remember it in the morning.
But I did. It's there. And I can't wait to start working on it.