Therapeutic Tuesday.

I want to know why I get frustrated, with everyone but you.
I want to know what makes your eyes so blue.
I want to know how I find another love this true.
I wish I could know if you are feeling this too.

Just trying out a little of therapeutic poetry.
If I get good responses I will continue.
(You can respond on my facebook as well.)

Laugh More, Stress Less.

It has been ten days since my last post. Ten days! I feel like I have not only neglected the blogging world, but I have cheated on myself. (Even though I am at work usually when I post, I really view this as my "alone time".)

So much has happened in the last week and a half. So much has been realized.

This path to self-discovery I embarked on a few months ago has taught me a few things:

1. The heart wants what it wants, there is no changing that.
2. It is OKAY to not be a size 4.
3. I truly believe the #2 statement.
4. Making my number one priority putting myself first has made my life so much better.
5. Money does not grow on trees, and if you need help, asking for it doesn't make you weak.
6. Family should be a very close second to the most important thing in your life, yourself.
7. If I don't like myself/can't make myself happy/don't think I am pretty, how in the world should I expect anyone else to?

As selfish as the above statements may sound, I really don't care. I know that sounds bad , and I may sound like a lesser person for it, but I have spent so much of my life trying to be a "people-pleaser" that I wasn't a "me-pleaser".

I am the most vital person in my life because without me, my life wouldn't exsist.

Things in my life aren't going according to "a plan" anymore. My whole semi-adult life I have bounced around this plan, stressed when it didn't work out, and then stressed some more when I had to revamp "the plan". No more. I am a self-establishing "go-with-the-flow" person.

No more "people-pleasing".
No more stressing unneccessarily.
No more trying to force the heart to want what it just can't.
No more telling my damn heart "No"...it really just makes it want what it wants even more.
No more living for anyone but myself.

I know it's a little premature, but one of my New Year's resolutions:
LAUGH MORE, STRESS LESS.

Ok...and go, it's time.

Week Recap.

This has been a pretty refreshing week. Usually I do a weekend recap on Monday morning, and I probably still will, but this is a week recap. I'm just trying something new out for today.

Monday
-Work
-Found out I had the flu
-Stayed home

Tuesday
-Stayed home because of the flu

Wednesday
-Went back to work, even though I still felt terrible
-Got to go shopping for a movie that didn't exsist
-Had an ice cream date
-Watched Friends with a friend until I fell asleep

Thursday
-Work and felt much better
-Got ready at my house with my sister and cousins for a concert
-Went to eat for a long overdue girls dinner at one of my FAVORITE places
-Met up with another group of great girls and attended a Texas country concert
-Bar hopped, hung out, went home and to bed

Friday
-Work and feel 100% better
-Road tripping to another town to meet up with my Aunt
-Having a girls night date

Saturday
-Waking up early (9 am)
-Running/Walking the American Heart Association 5k!! (My first 5k!!)
-Then who knows....

The point is, even though my week seemed like it sucked up until about after work Wednesday, it really didn't. I was sick, yes. And I did feel like death. But I am starting to look at the bright side of everything. I had the opportunity, on my sick days, to catch up on some much needed sleep.

Everything has it's silver lining. And even though I may not be singing that tune come Saturday afternoon when my legs want to run away from my body, I know it will be worth it.

A Very Short Blog.

I am suffering from writer's block.

The type that won't let you hone in on any specific topic and just write, instead it makes your fingers run around the keyboard like headless chickens. And I have got to say, this is growing very old.

I suppose I could just write about things I know. That would be a very short blog seeing as how many things I thought I knew, have proven false.

Before now, I knew that when you say "I love you." it would be something worth fighting for.

Before now, I knew that if I ever fell out of an impossible love, I would be devastated.

Before today, I knew that my whims were nothing more than just me being fickle.

But I was sick of fighting, so scratch the first one.
And I am not so much devastated as I am ironically happy, so mark off the second.
And as far as my fickle abilities, speaking of them as some super human power of course, I am growing a little tiresome of my whims being whims.

I want the things I grow fond of to stick around. I hate that I push things away. I hate that I overthink EVERYTHING. I hate that I dream big and then settle for less.

But I guess I don't know anything anymore.

Guilty Pleasures.

(written earlier this afternoon via Blackberry)

There is something so liberating about an afternoon bath.

After being sick, warmth always feels as though it has never felt so good. Just laying here, soaking in nature.

This is not supposed to be sexual in any context, so please don't take it as such. But it just feels amazing to be free, just basking in the wonderful water God created, and enjoying it with the body he created especially for you to enjoy.

My mother's bathroom is set up to where the window is high enough no one can see in, but wide enough to let enough light fill the room so that you don't have to use a manmade light.

You can just enjoy the simple pleasures we take for granted each day. For example: the laughter of children playing across the street, the pitter patter of squirrels running up trees... It astounds me that I never got this much joy out of this place until this house.

Maybe it's a compilation of things. Or maybe it is simply the simplicity of water, nakedness, a breeze, and pleasure.

Just the guilty pleasures of staying home with the flu.

--And for a sidenote..
Things right now in my life seem to be going according to plan. As weird as it sounds, they really are.

The weirdest part is, I don't really have a "plan" per say, I am winging it. But my "plan" is to do exactly what I want to do.

"Do you want some great life advice? Be selfish. Because the minute you start asking yourself 'What about me?' Everything changes for the better."- Bette Midler

A Night To Feel Alive.

I am having the time of my life just living!

Going out every night was getting exhausting, then I was reminded of a very important point:
"You will get all the sleep you need when you're dead."
-Thank you to my dear friend, Mr. A&M.

I was exhausted, and getting sick, but I pushed through it. After an hour and a half power nap post-8 hour work day, I was rejuvenated! I, energetically, got up, got ready, and had fun last night.

I went to a local bar. Even though it is pretty pointless to, being that I'm 20, but still. Some friends and I got together prior to going out. They made dinner and we just sat and talked for hours. Those girls will never know how much I needed that.

After everyone got ready, we drove in the pouring rain to our destination.
It was a blast.

Everyone was drunk by the time we got there. And that makes for GREAT entertainment.

I think I am starting to love this town after all. As small as it is, it is really starting to take a liking to me, and I am having fun returning the favor.

I saw everyone I wanted to, and some I didn't. Overall it was super fun.
Not to mention I got walked to my car at the end of the night under my small umbrella.

Nothing beats a first kiss in the rain. <3

He is great. I can't help but smile every time I think about last night. I love this feeling.

(And as much as I love seeing people out that don't approve of my situation, I am learning to live my life according to my standards and do what makes me happy. It's a really great change.)

Now, to wrap up a bit, the moral of this story is that college kids can run on Ramen noodles and 3 hours of sleep a night. We are the future, and you should be very afraid.

Oh, and P.S.- Tomorrow is Halloween and I am dressing up for the first time in my life! I am going to be a Regal Queen. The Queen of Halloween. It combines all of my favorites: the color purple, animal print, and authority. Bring on my royal subjects.

So Happy It's Sick.

I've decided I need a tape recorder to keep in my purse.

Last night on the way home, and then again this morning I had the best mini paragraphs, word for word, planned out in my head. And as soon as something took my attention away from it, my thoughts remain permanently lost. That is why I think I should write short stories instead of a novel.

Too many ADD thoughts running through this brain.

I have also recently realized that if you don't pay attention to signals your body sends you, you will pay the consequences. I have been feeling yuck for about 3-4 days now. I have so many things I have to do and participate in. My body is saying slow down, but my mind is telling it to just wait until after Halloween.

Last night, on the way home I saw four deer during my long drive down the infamous dark HWY 105. Four of them. Scattered over a few miles, but they all looked so peaceful.

I ended up driving home, my long 40 minute drive, without even having any music playing at all.
I was just enjoying where I was, emotionally, physically, everything.
Happiness is a really great thing.

-My friends and I are closer than I have ever been to them.
-I am enjoying EVERY aspect of my life right now. (Even the sick part, believe it or not.)
-I LOVE my job, even though it stresses me out.
-My family is all healthy and happy for the most part.
-And there's this boy... <3

I couldn't see how this could get better.

Dear Jesus,
I want it to stay this way, pretty please.
Thanks,
Jessica

P.S.-Updates about the boy to come.

Sickly.

So I have been a little down about writing lately.
I think I am getting the flu or something.
I feel awful.

Life must go on though, right? Ugh..

No posts for the next couple days probably.

A Proclamation Among Blogs.

"Oh, the weather outside is frightful." The dreary atmosphere of my small town cannot help but remind me of the inner workings of a Poe short story. The ghastly clouds and roaring winds are just perfect for the setting of today's topic.

Forward:
This is not a written pity party. I actually feel this way. I believe every word. I am not fishing for sympathy or empathy. I am simply stating facts.

I used to be obsessed with love, being in a relationship, and what not. Since I was 16, and allowed to date, I have not been single for longer than a month. My step dad used to tell me if a guy liked me, I would give him a chance. Secretly hinting at the fact that I had low self esteem and in turn must be desperate for love, affection, acceptance, etc.

I have realized in the last few days that that isn't good for me or anyone that I cross paths with that may or may not take an interest in me. I can't resist attention. I like it. Everyone likes it. It's human nature. But I don't want to hurt anyone else that may house potential feelings for me.

Therefore I am making this proclamation. I will not again, (any time soon, because I never say never) tell ANYONE that I love them, unless I already have in the past. I can't fall in love again. Not only for my sake, but for the sake of my potential victim.

I seem to do nothing constructive in relationships. I hurt people, and that's all I seem to be good for.

My friend imparted some valuable wisdom upon me this morning:
"If you always hurt the people close to you, you will never be happy."

My reply:
"Obviously."

But even though I may not be happy, I do feel a little better knowing I won't make anyone elses life miserable. I am an optimist turned cynic.

I really want someone to brave this, a strong knight in shining armor to ride up and prove me wrong. I dare him.

Crossing Off Four.

So, I figured today I would use my blog to catch up on my 25 in 365 list.
I am able to cross off four items.

8. Buy a one-way ticket somewhere
So this was accomplished by me going to see my Army man-friend. I will be flying there and then driving back with him so he does not have to drive it alone. We are making a road trip out of it, which leads me to my next item to cross off.

11. Take a road trip
I have already taken a road trip once this month, so that I may cross it off my list. A good guy friend of mine and I went down to Corpus Christi, and drove back but not before detouring to San Antonio. It was great fun. This upcoming road trip, however, will be much longer and spanning over about six states and three days. I CAN NOT WAIT!!

15. Go in Target, and spend nothing
I figured that this, by far, would be the hardest thing for me to accomplish on my list. Well, aside from the infamous #25 (Keep myself from falling too hard for anyone). But it really wasn't. I didn't plan on not spending money. I went in to look. Found a few shirts I liked. But when I went to check out, I put them back. That is some strong will power, let me just tell you.

21. Go camping
And this one, well I half way did it. I realized that this was stupid to put on my list because I will never actually sleep outside. I did go to a campsite with some friends. We made hot dogs with zig zaggy mustard, s'mores, and took lots of pictures. But when it got to be about 2 a.m. I was exhausted and cranky. I did not want to sleep in a damp tent/truck bed. But this is as close as I am going to get to completing this so, I am crossing it off of my list.

On a way more excited note, I can't wait for this weekend. Get ready for a lengthy recap on Monday morning!!