<3.

Maybe it's supposed to hurt.
Maybe it's supposed to be terribly painful...
That way we wouldn't do it again.
But we do.
We can't help it.
Love should be a form of self mutilation.

New Year's Eve.

It has been four weekdays since my last post. That is the longest I have gone [except for when I had the flu] that I have not written anything.

Yesterday, I had it suggested to me that I should just make something up, because it would be interesting and it didn't matter anyway. I should just draw inspiration from surroundings and make-believe situations. So what if they aren't real?

Well I am sorry, and I think I just found a trigger for my next topic.
I will get to my New Year's resolutions shortly, but I would like to say something first.

I am a romantic.

I like to think I will be sought after one day. I want to dream that even though he and I aren't close, that he thinks about me. He may not even know it's me...just that he wants someone with my qualities, and when he finds me he will know he's found love.

Like most women, even though I don't show it, I think my prince is out there. He hasn't swept me off my feet just yet, but he will. And when he does, I will be the happiest girl in the world and we will live happily ever after.

Quite a change from my Love Cynic post, but hey a girl's views can change right?

I have high expectations for whomever is brave enough to attempt falling for me. I admit I am a bit of a handful. "But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure don't deserve me at my best." --One of the quotes I live by.

Back to the head over heels, imaginary love thing. A few posts back I was left a comment by an anonymous person. And when going over comments I always imagine who the anonymous ones are. If it's about love, I imagine they are somewhere, earnestly reading my blogs, loving my writing style, and anticipating meeting me in real life.

I know that he doesn't dream about me. He is probably someone I already know that was just too lazy to set up a Google account. But the fact that I create this far-fetched idea almost makes me think I am crazy.

I just want that kind of love. The love that drives you mad and crazy. The love that makes your heart beat faster when you think about each other. Rachel said, "I believe that when I stop looking for true love it will find me. That's why I have stopped looking for Russel Crowe."--This is why I love Friends.

It is very true. Stop looking for something and you will find it. Unexpected surprises are the best apparently, I just can never be surprised because I am too busy trying to figure everything out.

Come to find out, my anonymous commenter was a guy, which only spurs on my fantasy. If you are reading this, I'm really not crazy. I am just using you as an example of how wide-spread my imagination wanders.

This is really sad. I know it is.

I have way way way too high of expectations of my love life. I rarely show them to anyone. I would rather not make them known, that way I am not let down. But today is special. Today it's okay to talk abou things you want that are unseen. Today is the last day of the past, and tonight will start a fresh new year. Today is my favorite day. I love it more than my birthday, or Christmas, or any other spectacular holiday.

Today is the start of fresh things.

[[Now, on the topic of that resolution:]]

I don't have the perfect body.
I don't have the perfect smile.
I don't have the perfect personality.
I don't have the perfect outlook on life.
Sometimes I am mean, or spiteful, and more often than not I am wrong.

So, with that being said, my New Year's resolution is this:

In the mist of all these things, it is my many imperfections that make me who I am today.
I have decided to embrace who and what I am for exactly what that is. This year I want to be me. Crazy, stubborn, impatient, loving, scattered me.

That is my New Year's resolution.

Stronger Than Before.

I'm stronger than I used to be
I've let go of the old parts of me
I decided it's way past time to get on with my life

I want to get back to the basics
And get rid of all the extra things
I need to drain myself of any un-necessity

Youthfulness may have it's perks
But I only know it's quirks
Here lately recapping the past has consumed me

Because, at the time, everything seemed a mess
And I thought I wouldn't be happy unless
I could just make it to the future

But now the past's future is the present
And I am still living for something different
Seeking a different time or a different place

And everything that once was
And everything happened because
I couldn't and wouldn't wait patiently

But everything has made me better, stronger
It has made me persevere longer
Than I ever thought I could

Thank you.

Fate.

Everything happens for a reason.

I can not emphasize this enough. And as much as I would like to give credit where credit is due, I am not exactly sure who the original quote belongs to. Whoever he/she is/was, it could not be more true.

Sometimes we may not like it. Sometimes we may hate it. We may loathe it, despise it, scoff about it, cry over it, be pissed about it, act like it doesn't matter, try to forget it, push it back in our minds, make ourselves believe we are over it, pretend like it didn't happen, but at the end of the day it did. No matter how sad/resentful/angry/whatever we are, it did.

There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to change the past. It doesn't matter how badly you want to. The forces that hold the past in the past don't give a damn. They don't care if you are sorry or want to go back and change things. They don't care if you have regrets you won't admit out loud. They don't even care if you find a temporary happiness in something or someone that won't last.

You can't fool the past. Speaking, of course, as if it is an actual living, breathing object. It is just easier that way.

"Forgive and forget, relive and regret."

Again, this goes without a credited author, but is still one of my favorite quotes of all time.

I have done things in my life that I am not very proud of. I have also done some things in my life that I wouldn't change for anything. And while I shouldn't want to change those bad things, because they molded the person I am (and who I want to be) today, I still can't help but to wonder what if I had reacted differently to the things I handled badly?

Would I be a better or worse person today for it?
Would he still be here?
Would I live somewhere else?
Would I be going to school and working at the same places?
Does fate mean that no matter what I have done, I would end up the same in the outcome of it all?

The fact that I will NEVER be able to answer those questions pecks at my sanity. That is, if I'm even sane...Who knows?

I am trying some home remedies to see if they help.
Hello dear Friends, let me introduce you to Malibu.

Santa and the Holiday Armadillo.

There is nothing like working on Christmas Eve to put one in the festive spirit.

Of course, that was sarcastic.

However, since I am the only one in the office, I have opted to spend the day catching up on Glee, and now that I have completed that, I will spend from now [1:35] until 3 pm watching re runs of Christmas episodes of Friends.

Something finally put a holly jolly smile on my face. I'm watching "The One With Christmas In Tulsa".

Chandler has been transferred from NYC to Tulsa, and thus far has been going back and forth every weekend to see Monica. It hasn't been so bad yet, but now it's Christmas and he has to be there. (Sounds a little familiar, but on a much smaller scale for me.)

This is one of those Friends episodes that has A LOT of flashbacks, most of them in the last few seasons get this way. It just flashed back to when Ross was trying to get his son, Ben, interested in Hanukkah. So, instead of dressing up like Santa and telling Ben how much better the traditional Jewish holiday is better than the impossible holiday we call Christmas, he can only find a Armadillo costume on December 23rd. He is the "Holiday Armadillo, Santa's helper from Texas" and just as he starts to go on about The Festival of Lights, Santa [Chandler, who borrowed the costume from a co-worker] walked in.

The following conversation takes place, which jump starts me right back into the Christmas-ee spirit.


Ross: (to Chandler) Dude you have to leave, I was just getting Ben interested in Hanukkah.

Chandler: Awe, man. I didn't even get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.

Monica: (who pulls Chandler off to the side as Ross goes back to Ben) So, do you think you can keep that suit for another night? (winking and getting all worked up..)

Chandler: Santa? Really?!...Did your dad ever dress up like Santa?

Monica: No...

Chandler: Ha ha well alright then.

Merry Christmas everyone!!

Sweet Sixteen.

There are LOTS of things in this world that irk my nerves.
People asking stupid questions that don't matter is definitely very high on that list.

So, I frequently am cornered with one of these unneccessary questions. Which one you may ask? Well I will tell you, since that is the point of this whole blogging business anyway.

"HOW OLD ARE YOU?"
(And the "are" is italicized due to the drawn out oomph people give it.)

Scenario A:
When working at Silver, Etc., my job prior to Allstate, I was often asked to help choose gifts for different lady loved ones of customers. This did not bother me at all. I loved it. That was actually the high point of my job there. Well, that and the yummy shrimp fried rice lunches from down the street, but that's beside the point. I had many customers that would ask for my help to pick something out for their daughter, neice, girlfriend, etc. I had a lady ask me one time if I went to school. I replied with a yes, and further explained that I was a sophomore. I didn't think about including the part about it being a sophomore in college, but it was about 10 or so in the morning, and I didn't think this lady was that ignorant. Wow she proved me wrong. She got closer and whispered to me that it was wrong to skip school and that the owner of the company could get into trouble if anyone were to find out. It took me a second, but I realized what she meant, quickly pointed out that I was 19 and she stared in awe. She literally stepped back and said, "No...really?" like I was lying or something. Well when I went on to tell her that I was being truthful, she "swears I look like I'm about 14." Thank you laziness for not putting on any eye makeup.

Scenario B:
This time I was dressed up for work. Slacks, a black blouse, boots, and a leopard pashmina. I have to say I look pretty cute, minus eye makeup. I went into Target to visit my favorite barrista at Starbucks. She always makes the BEST tall iced white chocolate mocha, non fat, no whip. I mean she should recieve a medal. Again, beside the point. I stood at the counter, ordered my favorite drink, all the while pleased to see that she is working. I swipe my card for $3.73, high I know, but it is so so worth it. I smile, feeling pleased with spoiling myself a little. Just when I am near sweet coffee bliss, she asks how old I am. I tell her that I am 20. She looks embarrassed because apparently she thought I was 15, actually 16 because she saw my car keys. Come to find out she is newly 18. I didn't realize you could get carded for coffee.

I would tell more stories but I don't want to bore you. Needless to say I look a lot younger than I thought. That will continue to teach me a valuable lesson in always putting on my makeup.

Good to know.

MONICA'S RING.

Oh d-d-d-dear!!

(in the words of Winnie the Pooh bear and my sister who quotes him frequently)

I nearly had an "myo-cardial infarction" this morning...that's a fancy Friends quote for heart attack. You see, Joey goes into a hospital room to see if this guy is legit, because Phoebe met him on the elevator and just wants to make sure he is a "stand up guy". Meanwhile Chandler is trying to knock Monica up and Rachel and Ross are trying to "light a fire up there and smoke [Emma] out."

I know all Friends episodes all too well. Thank you Miss Heather Shugarman. My love has turned into a mild obsession, one which most everyone closest to me knows about. I LOVE Friends, and I cannot stress that enough.

Now, with that said, here's a little background:

--Chandler was shopping for Monica's ring in an antique pawn shop. When he found a "1920's 1.5 carat round diamond center stone with .5 carat sapphire trillions on either side" he nearly started crying. He even had the British salesman "propose" to him with it. When he almost told the jewelry shop employee "YES!!" he realized he

had to have that ring.

Well there was a big stink about how Phoebe was trying on a musket and tiara, got distracted, so the ring was sold to another man. So, Chandler bought a "cheap gumball machine looking ring", contemplated giving it to Monica, but instead tracked the man down to Le Spas where he would be proposing, and had Phoebe pretend like she was his dying fiance...ALL just to get this ring back.

THAT IS HOW AMAZING THIS RING IS!!

Ok, so you wanna know the heart-attack worthy news??

I FOUND IT!!!!!!!!

The ex, errr not so much ex right now as an unoffical-official boyfriend/fiance/love o' mine...anyway, him and I talked for the past few days about one day possibly getting to that point where we were. The part about planning to walk down the aisle and what not. Well, he said that since he sold my ring back we would have to find another ring, but it would be a while because we would have to save up for it and the wedding stuff (since now we know how expensive it gets).

I found this GORGEOUS ring this morning, by accident, online and I couldn't be more thrilled. I was looking for some man-made diamond earrings, clicked on celebrity inspired jewelry and voila!

Soooo instead of a regular "Good Morning :)" text, he definitely got "I'm sorry, I knew I said I wouldn't talk about ring stuff, but I FOUND MONICAS RING!!" [and of course the picture was attatched].

Thank goodness he is so patient with me. Lord knows if this does work out, because we are taking it day by day, that he will have his poor hands full.

This is proof that everything happens in due time, and for a reason. Not just the ring, but the feeling it brought with it. Don't get me wrong, I want this ring, but I love the fact that I feel this way again...it just took a minor shared obsession to get this way.

Bah-Humbug.

As I sit here, enjoying my own individual sized cranberry sweet-bread loaf, I can't help but not want to be be sitting here.

I love the yummy goodness of a homeade bread, and a well-deserved thank you goes out to my boss' wife and all, but just because there is a delicious baked good wrapped in cellophane on my desk does not make me want to be here any more than usual. Even if it is supposed to encourage us to "work ten times harder for the end of the year numbers." Umm no, so go roast your chestnuts on that.

It's Christmas time. Actually, it's one week and one day away from being Christmas day. And while I am still slightly depressed that I am unofficially single this holiday season, my whole "Bah-humbug" complex is starting to wear off.

Someone very dear to me made me aware yesterday that above all else, following your heart should be a rule to live by. And while it is good to make your self happy, that's only step one. The steps that must follow are taking what you've learned about not letting other people's opinions influence you so much, and enhance that by following your heart.

When you can do what you want to do, for yourself, making yourself happy and simultaneously making your heart happy, you have reached the peak of emotional maturity in the field of happiness. There are many other areas that I have yet to master, but I do believe happiness is a key one.

This holiday season I am doing things that are bringing a smile to my face. I am not thinking about anything sad.

I am letting the past be the past and the future be exactly what it is...unwritten.

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas.

My co-worker is depressed. And I know, everyone has their own special remedies to make themselves feel better, but her's is tap dancing on my last nerve.

She is about 40, newly single, and (you will see why this matters in a minute) a very very strong willed black woman. Her way of coping with the pain her asshole of an ex caused her is replaying her favorite love song, "My Heart" by Anthony Hamilton.

Now, I am not exaggerating, I know she played that song at least 16 times yesterday. Those were just the times I heard the beginning start, so I counted it. I officially know that song. People my age should not know this song. To be fair, it is a sweet song. And now that I know it, I am pretty sure if I am ever depressed about my love life, or anyone elses for that matter, this song will appear in my head and begin playing.

It's amazing how some people's remedies start out as other people's annoyances, and then become shared memories.

I am officially beginning to feel like it's Christmas. I'm not sure if it's The Tempations' Christmas music, thank you to that same co-worker, or the nasty egg nog I tried for the first time yesterday. It could be the fact that when I go make my daily browse of Target I have to park in the back of the parking lot due to all of the spaces taken by holiday shoppers.

I'm not sure if it's the weather getting colder, and yes the fact that it is getting colder in southeast Texas when it's supposed to is a Christmas miracle, or what it is...but it is starting to feel like the holiday season to me.

I have LOTS to be thankful for. Great friends, two in particular I love dearly, an amazing family, a job that still allows me to work 40 hour weeks, my car is alive and well, my love life is picking up in the best of ways...Life is good and it's about DAMN time.

Merry Christmas! Only 9 more days.

New Recipe Wednesday.

So, it's that time again. And this week I didn't forget!

Two days ago I was trying to think of a warm, yummy dinner that wasn't too difficult that I could sip on while wrapping gifts and watching Christmas movies. I didn't have the hours to make a good gumbo, I wasn't really in a stew kinda mood, and chili just would not have hit the spot.

I stumbled across this recipe, and it was a hit! It is delicious, super super easy to make, and did I mention it was delicious? Just make this quick and easy bisque, boil some rice, possibly have some good bread handy, and you've got yourself a great cold-day meal!



Creole Lobster and Shrimp Bisque

Ingredients
2 steamed fresh lobster tails**
4 tablespoons butter
1 small white onion, finely chopped
2 stalks celery, finely chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/3 cup all-purpose flour
3 cups chicken broth
1/2 pound steamed medium size fresh shrimp, peeled, deveined, and chopped
2 cups half-and-half
2 teaspoons Creole seasoning

Directions

Remove lobster meat from shell; coarsely chop and set aside.
In a large saucepan, melt butter over medium heat. Add onion, celery, and garlic; cook for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Stir in flour, and cook for 2 minutes. Stir in chicken broth; cook for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally, until thickened.

Add lobster meat and shrimp. Stir in half-and-half and Creole seasoning; cook for 10 minutes, or until heated through, stirring occasionally. Serve immediately.

**I replaced lobster tails with a bag of frozen scallops. They are easier, cheaper, and it was phenomenal.

(courtesy of Food Network and Paula Deen)